Family

in a few hours, i'll be back in the DMV.  after spending the holidays in jersey, i can say that i'm coming back with a new resolve in some areas.  i feel recommitted to Christ in some vital basic areas.

The biggest deal for me during the trip occured towards the end.  my mom planned a holiday party the day after christmas.  my mom's side and my dad's side of the family showed up.  it was a packed house (probably too packed).  i honestly wasn't expecting much.  It would be good to see family in all, but i wasn't expecting fireworks. fortunately, i was pleasantly surprised by an amazing development.

i reconnected with my cousins.

these cousins are on my dad's side.  it was wonderful and jarring at the same time.  wonderful because these are the people that i looked at as brothers since i can remember, but we were never as close as i would have liked. particularly my two older cousins...those were my big brothers in my mind. that was a consistent source of disappointment growing up.  it was jarring because for once i wasn't the one and only.  on my mother's side, i'm the "only" for a lot of things.  i was my grandmother's only grandson, which meant i was usually around a lot of women.  not so on my dad's side.  i'm the third youngest, with two older cousins before me. i was around a bunch of men that looked like me, that had a common connection through blood and experiences. my mom commented and said that you can tell her are all related.

i must admit that it was fun being the "younger" one. i sucked every second of it up.  i waited forever to this to happen.  i wasn't "in charge" or "the leader."  it was fun.  i'm sure it will happen again.

so many emotions were stirred up.  happiness that we reconnected.  saddness that i couldn't have this experience while growing up. bracing myself for disappointment just in case it falls off like it had in the past. Although this time, i think it will stick.

i'm just happy it happened.  when it's all said and done i got something that i asked god for long time ago.  delay is not denial, as the saying goes.

here's to new beginnings...

Shifting Gears

Could stuff be changing...again?

I feel like things just changed not too long ago.  Sure, the only constant thing about life is change, but I just wasn't expecting things to change like that. 

Maybe it's in response to my prayers as of late.  I want to understand more fully who I am, what I am, and what I want to do.  I feel like some things have come info focus, but there is still plenty of room for self-discovery. I'm all for that.  I'm excited for that.  Bring it on!

What concerns me is that my desires have changed.  Things that I would spend a lot of hours and energy now are now on the back burner at best.  At worst, the thought of engaging in them makes me cringe.  That's a little unsettling for me, considering how I drove into those endeavors, situation, etc., with all my might.  I loved every second of it, and I don't regret it.  But the drive is gone.  Usually when that happens, especially in such a drastic way, it means that God is working in and around me to shift some things around for the next scene in my life.

I'm okay with a shift.  God is big on shifts.  The cool thing about it is that God never really shifts; he always has the right perspective on things.  It only looks like change when when you don't know the story, and God clearly does.  I guess that comes with being the Alpha and Omega.  The beauty of it is that God will shift things in your life so that you can see things from different angles and perspectives.  Manual cars have to shift to adjust to different speeds and terrains.  Athletes have to shift their training programs to meet their goals.  In our walks with Christ, God has to change our gears on us so we handle where we're going. 

So what does that mean for me?  I don't totally know yet.  I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of the familiar situations and faces not being as familiar anymore.  But the worse thing would be to sacrifice where God is taking me for the sake of my comfort. Besides, I asked him to take me.  I might as well go. 

There's another cool things about shifts.  On the keyboard, it allows you to make a capital letter, signifying a proper noun, a specific name, and/or the beginning of a new sentence.  Every new piece of revelation comes with a shift.  Just think on that for a second.  You'll get it later...;-)

a new perspective on being alone

so i realized today that i need to prepare myself to do more things alone.  it smacked in me in the face when i prepared to go church searching this morning.  while it was true that my exhaustion from finals left little energy to do anything, it was equally true that i didn't want to go because i would be by myself.  i would be going to these places without anyone else with me. walking through the doors...alone.  being the one person that no one knows. it would be a solo dell adventure.

that was enough to persuade me to get back under the covers.  i just didn't want to face that.  no thanks. 

i thought about it someone and i realized that alone has been par for the course since i moved to the dmv.  there have been people that have been indispensable to me, people that i would not have made without their help.  still, there is a significant part of the growth process that is done alone.  i had to conquer some major demons, and the definitive moments, the moments that represented the beginning of the breakthough, occured with me...alone.  my friends have brought me the sword, but i had to slay the dragon,. if that makes any sense. 

this may sound more depressing than it seems.  it's really just a part of life.  i believe that god allows us those alone times so we become better acquainted with recognizing his presence in our lives. there may not be an abundance of people around that know what you're going through.  it may not be anyone around that understands.  but oddly enough when there is no one else around the extra noise is gone, and all we are left with is truth.  if i can get to the root of some things with some quiet being the price to pay i'm all for it.  show me jesus!

being alone and being lonely are two different things.  i'm not really lonely.  jesus is with me.  however, i'm not like some others that equate the presence of christ with the presence of another tangible human being.  even god saw that it was better to have another person with adam, so i won't try to be more spiritual than god was on the subject.  am i alone? in some ways, yes.  sometimes that alone feeling creeps up on me a little more than i'd like, but it's not lonliness TRUST ME i know what that feels like.  its just the chance for me to get to know me a little better.

i'll take it.  see what comes out of it.  and then we'll go on from there.  alone isn't really that bad.  as long as your alone with jesus :-)

the beginnings of faith

one thing that i've realized about seminary is that it doesn't really make you into something. it brings out more of what your authentic experience is.  i've had professors that i've totally disagreed with, but thus far all have enriched me.  i appreciate that. 

in terms of my own experience, i believe that it's been totally brought to the forefront because of my seminary experience.  i didn't grow up in church.  the lesson that i remember learning about god was from my nanna.  she taught me that god was my father and that made me a prince.  god loved me, and if i prayed he would listen.  i carried that with me for all these years.

i honestly never believed in anything but jesus.  i didn't even understand all of what "salvation" meant, but i just knew that jesus was the right one.  i don't know why.  my nanna never had any extensive discussions about jesus with me, so i really wasn't preconditioned to stick to jesus.  he (jesus) really wasn't in my mind at all when i prayed. 

i can trace my first sincere experience with jesus back to is a day in the basement. i believe i was in tenth grade. it was easter time.  jesus of nazereth was playing, and i watched the last part of it.  watching the death scene got to me, not that it was graphic (it wasn't) but somehow i was just moved by what jesus did.  for me? i thought.  tears streamed down my face.  that was probably the beginning.

still, i didn't understand what "salvation" was.  the only inking i had for years was again from my nanna.  she bought me a king james bible when i was about 12.  she wrote in it with big letters "THIS IS THE ONLY BOOK THAT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE IF YOU DO WHAT GOD SAYS."  i knew that one day i would read this book more than any other.  but in terms of "salvation" it didn't cross my mind.

my nanna only discussed church with me.  "some to church, dell.  you can meet some of the young men there." i didn't want to.  she went to church on saturday, and i wasn't going to give up my cartoons.  that, and something on the inside just made me feel like god didn't care about one day in particular.  besides, i remembered the conversations that she had about people in church...they all seemed crazy! why would i want to go there? i'd have to dress up and sit there for four hours.  god and i would have to find another way to meet.  church wasn't an option at this point, and i'm glad.  if i was forced to go, then i probably wouldn't be where i am right now.

so, for a few more years, god was the understand that i had.  church was a waste of time at best. oh, and jesus had something to do with all of it.  when college rolled around, then it was time to understand even more.

Productive

Today was such a busy day.  Productive, but busy.  Even though I'm "only" a full time grad student, I'm still suprised how action packed my days can get.  This was probably the worst day for it to be action packed, mind you.  I had a fever yesterday that prompted me to stay home.  I woke up today feeling a lot better, but I decided to stay home again just to make sure. 

I actually started making my list again.  That really helped me be productive.  If I have a list I can focus on what needs to happen instead of just drawing it out of my head.  I have a great memory when it comes to details, events, and information.  But random (see:non-interesting) information like times and dates can slip my mind if I'm not careful. I'm going to stick to the list thing. 

I can say that I accomplished all 12 things on my list today!  I probably did too much to be recovering from a cold, but life doesn't stop. In a weird way, that's a little bit of a victory for me.  I like to push myself and see what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it.

I hope that tomorrow is just as productive...

Some Thoughts and Tips on Seminary

it takes a special set of conditions to make it through seminary successfully.

it's not a cake walk.  it's not bible study.  it isn't bible college.  it's just like any other academic discipline, requiring you to become a scholar and prefect the practical aspects of your field. 

what's the problem with that, you ask? plenty.  this isn't engineering or chemistry we're talking about.  this is seminary, where you study the history, context, and application of the christian faith.  see, seminary is the one place where your mind is stretched with the thing your heart is set on: god.  all the curtains are pulled back.  it's beyond learning doctrine.  you learn where the doctrine came from, and with that knowledge you have the ability to do what so many christians don't:  think.

when i say that being a christian in seminary offers you a chance to think, i'm not suggesting that all other christians that don't have a masters of divinity are stupid.  you don't have to know the origins of the apostle's creed or the dueteronomistic canon to be a good christian.  you don't even have to know the bible to be a good christian (i know that may throw you off, but think about it:  they didn't have bibles for a long time. most folks couldn't even read!  yet it's their experiences in Christ that set the bar for us. hmmm.).  and quite honestly, knowledge without any type of action rooted in love puffs up (spiritual, academic, or otherwise). 

no, the type of thinking that i'm talking about is the power to make personal decisions about the faith you hold dear.  most times in church, even the best teachers teach doctrine.  that's not a bad thing.  however, if you merely teach someone doctrine they don't know where it came from.  doctrine is usually an agreed upon consensus of what we believe the bible conveys.  anyone can make up any type of theology...and pull it right from the bible.  honestly, the bible says a BUNCH of stuff.  it's not a textbook that was written to give specific skills.  because of that, interpretations can run rampant...and they can make sense.  it doesn't mean they are right, it just means that it's not as cut and dry as we would like to think.

this can cause folks to fall away.  but what i learned is this:  relationship is not taught at seminary.  now, after reading all that you may think that seminary is a bad place.  it's not! it's wonderful.  however, it is a place of learning, and not everyone will stop and have praise and worship during the class.  the objective nature of the information you learn can rock your subjective experience in christ.

but if you have a relationship...you'll be fine.  if you walk with holy spirit, the spirit of christ, you'll be guided to the truth.  and we got a good portion of it right.  through all the information that i'm learning, there are some things that remarkably ring true:

1. the main points are clear. in spite of all the unclear stuff, the basic stuff is very clear:  jesus is that dude and you should believe him, god loves us, grace and mercy are indispensable. as much as we argue about the other stuff, there is a lot of information that's in black and white that we fail to even acknowledge.
2. people tend to make convenient theology.  the bible says things that none of are comfortable with if we were honest about it.  however, a lot of times people blur the lines because they want to make their choice (i.e. sin) okay.  the way the bible is structured gives that leeway.  i wouldn't have made the bible like that, but i'm not god.  i trust he knows what he's doing.
3. people want to be on the winning side. we want to make theology and understand god in a way that empowers us.  this awesome, but it can get carried away. without meaning to, the ideas that we can learn can make god a blank canvas that we can paint our own picture of righteousness on.  or a heaven loom where we can weave whatever aspects of god that we like best into a garment to wear.  remember, god empowers us to glorify who he is in us...not to reshape him in our own image. 
4. no one wants to lose:  as much as we'd like to win, we equally hate the ideal of failing.  in class we are asked to use gender inclusive language.  that means we won't call god "he." we'll call jesus "he" because he was a physical man, but the holy spirit wont' be called "he."  honestly, it makes sense, but you don't see anyone having a problem with satan being called "he" do you?  people don't want to lose.
   

favorite things

What are some of your favorite things?

the thought ocurred to me while i was watching a tennis match on youtube.  it was an old match that only a tennis fanatic like me would care about.  i honestly just enjoy watching the ball go back and forth.  it's one of the most beautiful things in the world, i thought to myself.

that last thought made me stop and ponder a little deeper.  i'm a 26 year old black male...and one of my greatest past times is watching a little ball go through the air? 

YES. that, and a good comic book.  a great laugh.  an engaging board game.  just a few of my favorite things.

through all of the stuff i've encountered in life, i still have this innocence about me.  this child-like demeanor.  trust, i'm far from sheltered, but the things i like are so simple.  i'm not lusting...i'm not chasing...i'm learning to pursue that which genuinely captures my heart.  it's still remarkable to me how many of the societal snares i've escaped.  the sex, the alcohol, all the other things that left lasting effects on people's lives is not an issue for me.  definitely had my issues and struggles, but i'm free in a lot of areas that others are not. honestly i don't want to attribute all that to god, b/c then i have to explain why he let so many other get into those things.

the things i like in life are genuinely because of who i am...not because of what people say i need to be.  i'm becoming more and more comfortable with that.

i may not fit the image at times...but i beginning to like what i see more and more.  really.  i'm a pretty cool guy :-)

comfortable in sneakers

"do you realize that if you came to me and said that you were getting married, i would give you holy hell.?

"why?"

"because you are a very young man!  you aren't a child...but you have a lot of life ahead of you! you are developing in every way.  you're suppose to grow.  you're suppose to change."

there's so much potential in my life.

i feel like i'm growing and expanding.  at times it's overwhelming, because i don't exactly know what i'm becoming.  at others it fills my heart with joy.  through it all, i notice a burgeoning sense of confidence in myself.  i'm becoming more comfortable with me.

oddly enough, one of the cool ways that i like to express myself is through clothes.  especially sneakers.  true, all we need is another young african american male obsessed with shoes, but it's really a good thing for me.  i'm just learning to express myself in all the various ways that are available to me.  learning how to be myself, in Christ.  doing what Christ says, and after i've accomplished that...doing me. 

my seminary poem

So, I've been in seminary for almost a year now.  Here is a poem that reflects my process thus far.  Hope you like!


And yes, it's loaded with meaning.


the lines really aren't where we say they are
and the boundaries are really just the beginning

words with eternal implications become more
than bible study conversation

we have to think

ooops

countless streams of revelation, inspiration

hidden away

stifled by our concentration on being correct
or because grandma might object

no, not the elimination of right and wrong
but learning the truth about the truth
attuning the ears more accutely to the Lord's song

but then you get mad because you realize
the song they played before was simply lies
or that the melody you were told didn't matter
is more vital than the three part harmony
the purity of truth drowned out by high notes
and runs
people start confusing truth with noise
just because the noise is easier to handle
than the silence of reality

selah

then you realize again that the lies weren't intentional
just doctrine based on conventional wisdom
fervently taught but never pondered
the canon might be closed but brains are not

stir the pot you won't get shot
but you'll be politely asked to kick rocks
the gravity of your knowledge might just snatch all
our followers

(and our dollars)

this is what happens when the truth about the truth
is preached to the youth

they voice it, and if you won't help them, they find
their own booth and spit

drawing from their own holy writ

drinking the waters that are so available

this is where am what i've seen and what
i've heard
the word...i'm learning about the word that i never heard
but i always knew existed

where i DON'T want to be

there is one place my soul takes displeasure in, two places that my soul hates

1. my part time job
now, i know that it's a blessing to have a job.  however, i sincerely do not like working for these two old people.  i pray that when i become old that i'm not annoying/evil.  i'm trying to adjust to make it better, but as SOON as i get my money from school i'm dropping this job like a hot potato.  for real. 

what annoys me about the job?  EVERYTHING. the best part about the job is the cookies that i get from subway across the street...and they don't even make those anymore so there goes my inspiration.

2. church
i don't really hate it...i could just never go for months at a time and be fine with it.  and it's not every church...but just the one i'm at now.  i've been feeling this way for months.  it's not that anything's wrong with the church.  the people are great.  the teaching is good.  i enjoy singing on the praise team.  i think it's me, honestly.  i'm incredibly bored there.  i'm ready to leave as soon as i arrive.

i really think i'm the "problem," if there is indeed a problem.  seminary and the like are beginning to shape me. i actually enjoy school in ways that i didn't last semester.  one theory that i have is that what i get in school in terms of "spiritual food" may be so shazam wham pow that my current assembly just seems kinda "eh."  that's not the church's fault though.

also, i realize that i'm a pretty busy dude.  i'm in school, and i'm busy with anq stuff.  at times i feel a lack of connection and that could be why.  can stop school.  anq will be less in the picture in a year, but i have my commitments that i want to see fulfilled.  again, that's not the church's fault. 

it's just me.  and even as i sit here and type this i'm even more convinced that i really might need to make a change.

many parts

i'm a multi-faceted person.

i'm just beginning to embrace that.  at times it's difficult for me to.  in my various roles and responsibilities in life (president, dean, student, son, brother, etc.), at times i find it hard to turn them all off.  or they bleed into one another.  being the president when i would be the son.  acting like a brother when i should be the dean.

i guess maturity helps bring all that together.  however, i think for me it's an added kick:  i see everything all at once. 

i process stuff on a deep level w/o trying.  when it comes to reading, perceiving, or hearing, what other people strain to do i do naturally.  for example, if we both look at a yard in front of a house, you might see a lawn.  i'll see a lawn, but i'll also see all 13,593 blades of grass.  i'll notice the ones that are blowing in opposite directions.  it's not that i perceive better...i just perceive deeper, faster.

it's cool when it comes to being analytical or in situations where you need to keep your wits about you.  unfortunately, it can wear you out.  that's why i usually don't like large crowds at concerts or the like.  i'm taking it all in and it frazzles my system. 

i'm still in process of getting all the pieces together so they won't run into each other.  but what i'm realizing is that some parts are becoming more important to me than others...

Love pt. 2

"you know, that this point in your life you'll probably need to meet someone that sees your heart." Mom

My mother said that to me a couple of years ago.  It popped up in my mind again.  A while back I wrote a post on love and my feelings concerning it.  I guess you can consider this part two of it.

Anyways, I think my mother is right.  The reality is, I probably just don't have a lot of the stuff that Christian women are looking for, and by that I mean the entire package.  I'm a nice guy.  I'm romantic, thoughtful, caring, all the cool stuff.  However, I'm also a grad student with not much to my name.  I'm a full time student with a very part time job.  I don't have a car.  I don't have my own apartment.  

The reality is that I think at times I would get passed over because I don't have the trappings. 

Now, I'm not saying to date scrubs.  Oh, no.  You need to have a plan, some goals, aspirations.  But, sometimes even with all of that, you don't have everything you want at the moment.  There are a ton of people that have their plans "in progress" that don't have it all the way together yet, but they are in that press.  I do think that places me off the market in some ladies' eyes.  I really do.  Do I think it's shallow?  Not really.  But it gets interesting when people say there are no men around and then they have a long list of criteria.

Like I said in my other post about love, I have my goals.  I want to get my Masters of Divinity and eventually my Doctorate.  I want to become a solid Christian leader that pushes things forward for God.  The person that is for me will understand that.  I don't have all the other stuff that some people my age do (i.e. their own places, cars, money, etc.).  I just have the drive to pursue what I believe to be the calling of God in and on my life.  


So, am I pressed?  Eh, not really.  Although it's been on my mind the past few days.  I don't know why.  Since it's on my heart so much, I guess I'll pray about it.  But I guess this part of the Love series ends at the same place that my first one did:  I've got to pursue my dreams.  If I meet the love of my life and don't accomplish this stuff...then I'll feel unfulfilled.  


Until then, I'll be the groomsman and never the groom.  The friend like none other instead of the boyfriend.  The third wheel.  Sometimes I wonder if it will happen for me.  But, I keep pressing for the stuff that's right in front of me.  There's just too much to smile about to stay sad about it for long :-)

quiet and peace :-)

i just have a need to be quiet.

i'm sitting here typing this blog as a break from doing homework.  i'm current in delaware at the MAR retreat with ANQ.  i'm pretty sure that it's going to be great.  however, for a large chunk of friday night i've decided to sit here with my trusty laptop and crank out some much needed homework, since i have my first round of exams due this coming week.  i know that i won't get anything done tomorrow or sunday, so i needed to steal this time.

i actually did make some progress, which is good.  i started my case study and i have a pretty solid outline for my short essay in another class.  it was a good move for me to come up here and do some work.  however, i must admit that i enjoy the quiet.  i just need quiet sometimes.  peace is actually more like it.  just to connect, reflect, and rejuvenate.  with god and myself. especially if i have a day where it was filled with all types of stimuli (like today), i really just need the chance to breathe. 

at some point today (since i'm sure people won't be going to sleep), i'll reconnect with everyone.  but i know at some point my room will be filled with random conversations, pseudo-arguments, and other stimuli that i consistently have trouble blocking out. and that i probably could care less about since i've probably heard it all before. so for now i'll just enjoy the peace and smile :-)  and maybe do a little more of this work.

forgive? sure! forget? not so much...

apologies have lost their punch with me.

at best, they only serve as the verbal acknowledgment that someone did something wrong.  it's an admission of wrong doing, and i guess that's fine.

in my short life i've come to understand this:  you must always forgive, but you don't necessarily have to forget.

forgiveness is for you and your relationship w/ god.  god always forgives us, so we shouldn't hold people prisoner either.  forgiveness frees you from having to deal with holding someone hostage forever.  whether or not the person admits their wrong, let it go.  never be a bill collector for a tab that someone else doesn't want to pay.

however, repentance is where a true heart change is seen.  forgiveness is essential; forgetting only happens when a change occurs.  it's the same thing with god.  to progress in our relationship we can't just stop at forgiveness but we must actually REPENT.  you must forgive, but if they don't change their ways, DON'T FORGET! don't be silly and drop your guard, lest you be run over again!  give people a chance, sure...but after a while you'll see where people are.  don't hate them...but don't forget. 

at least...i don't forget.  and in this particular situation where someone's given yet another apology...i'm reminded of the fact that i've seen no visible change.  i accept the apology...i guess.  but it's the same old song.  i've heard "i'm sorry" about this at least eight separate times.  the words just don't have an effect on me. i forgive you...i love you...and you don't have to prove anything to me...but i haven't forgotten.  you haven't done anything to make me forget.

well...maybe you do have to prove it to me. 

Me Monday: I'm Competitive

this will be the first "me monday."  what is "me monday," you ask?  it's a time where i share something about myself and give my readers a little insight to who i am.

this "me monday," i'll be talking about something that many people might not know about me:  i'm competitive.  extremely competitive.  i'm competitive in mario bros., uno, tennis, spades, coloring, cooking, breathing, etc. 

now, this competiveness doesn't always show itself.  i have this clark kent mentality (i'll talk about that on the next "me monday") that usually causes me to conceal my full potential for fear of being "found out."  also, i don't necessarly like to crush people.  sometimes i do, if someone beat me the last time. but mostly if i turn it on it's just that i want to play my people. 

i think i always was.  i don't really know where it came from.  i can't even remember when i finally realized it.  i like to win, sure, but more than that i think that i always like to do my very best.  and then exceed my very best.  and then exceed that.  it just so happens that when i do that, i win! yay!

maybe it first happened with martial arts.  i can vividly remember the weekend after i took my first class.  i went outside and practiced for at least two hours.  and i only knew three moves:  a high block, inner forearm block, and a front kick.  consequently, i think those are some of the moves that my technique is the best on.

my competitive nature really came out when i started playing tennis.  i simply MUST win every point. obviously, i don't, but if i could find a way to i would. 

ultimately, i guess that it's just a drive to be the very best that i can be.  more times than not, i'm not competing against the other person.  the other person is only a wall to climb to reach new heights and depths.   in high school, a good friend and i where the top two students.  it was so close that it would flucuate from week to week.  but i wanted the top spot.  so i went to work and snagged it.  it's just what i have the ability to do.

i believe that i have a wealth of untapped potential...and i'm doing my best to get every drop.

the people behind the counter

i was in mcdonalds today, for the millionth time this week (that's another story).  it was lunch time, so it was pretty busy.  this mickey d's in smack dab in the hood, so there are always some interesting characters.  it's just that at this time all the characters come at the same time.

the people working behind the counter where all of latin desent.  the gentleman that i placed my order with was clearly new at his job and speaking english.  it took a while to place my order, and i was ready to leave.  while i'd be lying to say that i wasn't bothered, i usually remember that they probably feel way worse than i do.

my heart goes out to them, those people behind the counter.  they have to work hard, so hard!  i mean, mickey d's isn't exactly first rate employment.  they are doing what they have to do to survive.  what makes it worse is when people start yelling and being rude to them.  i hate to watch it.  makes me sad.  i wonder if they have dreams, and if so, will they ever be fulfilled? 

what i notice is that a lot of the people that are yelling at the people behind the counter are really in the same position.  it's just that english is their first language (but they don't speak it any better).  they all actually have a lot in common.  i wonder if they have dreams, too.  i also wonder if they have the ability to dream.  maybe the power to dream has died, suffocated by the grim circumstances of life and oppression. 

after watching the people behind the counter...stuck...i thought about myself.  i was/am stuck behind the counter, too.  trapped in a position where abuse is the norm because i don't have the wherewithall to do better.  doesn't make me a bad person...but i am an unequipped person.  or should i say, not using the equipment that i have to deal with my situation.

i'm tired of seeing those people get screamed at.  i'm tired of the bondages of my life screaming at me.  time to dream.  i'm coming from behind the counter. 

Get Over It!!!

This week as been a bit of a tailspin.

If you read my last couple of posts, you'll know that I finally came to grips with the "a word": abuse. Even though I fought all these years not to call it that, the reality of it all is abuse it exactly what it was. It was very intense from about 3rd to maybe 8th grade.

I must admit that I acted out a lot. Did and said a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have. I didn't know how else to express the feelings that I had going on. No clue. I was angry that I was hurt constantly in such a way. Sad that so many years had been snatched from me. Confused at how I should move forward. Should I go to counseling? Am I just a messed up person now?

I decided to call my friend Allen. We've been friends since we where 10 and best friends since college. I told him all of it.

"May I say something that might be a little rude?" Allen asked.

"I guess," I replied. "Just don't tell me that I should pray or something." I couldn't care less about something that I didn't see as a remedy at the time.

"My question is," Allen said very matter-of-factly, "when are you going to get over it?"

I paused. Get over it? It all finally just came to me!

Allen began to explain. "Dude, the Verdell you are now is not the same person back then. You're bold, confident, strong. All the things that you shouldn't be. It happened to you back then, yes, but Romans 6 says that the old you died."

I was mad. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to be stuck in my strange array of emotions. I wanted to vent, lash out, and do whatever else I wanted. Anything but face the music. Quoting a scripture and standing on a promise is not something that my seminarian mind was grasping at the moment. If anything, it rejected it.

However, it was precisely the thing i needed to hear.

"Vee, you gotta let that stuff go. You aren't that person anymore. Believe God and move on."

So simple, yet so true.

no matter what

i will always believe jesus. no matter what.


that's all

thinking about the a word...

still thinking about it. the abuse. the a word. it hurts. the memories of it all. what to do now? i don't want to over dramatize it...but it'll pop up in my head and i'll see it. i'll see that one time in the tennis court with that red stick when he beat me. he beat me bad with that stick. i didn't have any bruises or anything. my parents would've noticed that. the physical pain wasn't even what was in the forefront in my mind. just the terror of it all.

gosh.

the a word

the lunch was a good one. i ordered my shrimp and chicken. he ordered a sandwich of some sort. we had small talk for a second.

then it began.

this was the conversation that would inevitably steer me in a much needed direction. he asked me some serious questions about myself, my past, and how i fit it all together. i gave him some real answers, answers that some people in my life have never heard. and i've known them much longer.

"when i saw you in class, at times i didn't know who i was looking at. at times you would be this confident figure that people would follow. at others you would just seem so unsure."

"well, at times i don't know what to pick. i feel like i have too many options."

"that's actually a good thing."

we got into some other things. there were two things that were discussed. one i was fine with sharing. the other one...when he inquired further about it...opened up something that i wasn't expecting.

"verdell, are you telling me that you were abused?"

i was floored. tears began to stream down my face. all of the events just came streaming through my mind. especially the day on that tennis court with that stick. i just cried. but, as usual, i found my composure.

i subconsciously fought for years not to give it that title. "no," i would say. "it happens to everyone. just a part of growing up." i didn't want to make too much out of it. but no one deserves that happened to me during those days. it was years, honestly. years of fear, pain (emotional and physical), and confusion that have shaped me to be who i am, for better or for worse.

abuse is an ugly thing. it happened to me. definitely going on a journey to find out exactly what this means and how i move forward from here.

Random thoughts @ 12:06

random time!!!!

• if you don't manage the circumstances in your life, the circumstances in your life will manage you. will you react, or respond? if i'm not vigilant i can go into react mode and i just let life happen it me. unfortunately, i can do the same thing during tennis matches. i let things get away from me, and all of a sudden the match is about to be over. funny thing is, i've played some of my best tennis when i'm down. the truth is though, i should've been more focused in the first place. you can't box out of every situation in life, and if you can box yourself out, you can keep yourself out in the first place.
• i want to have a sincere relationship. marriage is work. not willing to settle for anything just so that i can be in a relationship. not willing to give up dreams either. a relationship is suppose to be a welcomed addition. is it work? yes. are they challenging? yes. but love is worth it. i've loved someone like that before. i was young, and made a TON of mistakes, but my love for her was so sincere and true. i know it was true because i wanted to see her succeed. i wanted to do what i could to help her. i know what that type of love feels like...and its worth waiting for. if i never find it, i'll be a lil upset, but i'd rather be alone than settle.
  
• ugh! close encounter of the hood nigga kind tonite! amen for protection and grace, but i need not deal with skeed (asbury park folks know what that word means did i spell it right) bamma threatening me on my porch. no thanks. my two dollar a day program just got bumped up to three. getting the heck outta dodge...in due time. my heart hurts for them though. they have a void of purpose in their lives. and the void is filled will all types of temporal nonsense. i'm going to begin praying for them, and interceding for my whole neighborhood. christ, take the clay and SHAPE...

okay. i'm going to sleep now. definitely have to be to church by 8 for praise team stuff. nite!

Name Game

Hello world,

After some thinking, I've decided to take my blog in a different direction. I want to use this blog to talk about one of the best kept secrets around: me.

Why do I call myself a "best kept secret"? Because I feel like people don't really know me too well. People know things about me based on my actions or performances, but what really makes Dell tick? Why does he do what he does? Hell, sometimes I don't really know why I do what I do. Maybe we can take this journey together and see what we all have in common.

It's All In the Name

Let's start with something simple, like my nickname. My full name is Verdell Anthony Wright. My father's name is also Verdell. Technically, I'm not a junior, even though I'm suppose to be. While my father diplomas and other materials say Verdell Anthony Wright, his birth certificate doesn't. I don't really understand that, maybe it's an old country thing, but because of that technicality I'm really not a junior (my Dad still calls me junior though).

Now, my father was already well known as Vee for years. If I'm actually retelling the story correctly, my father didn't even want me to have his name. He wanted me to have my own name and identity. So, I guess the compromise was me having my own unique nickname: Dell.

Funny thing is, people still referred to me as Lil Vee for years. Then, as I got older, I was just referred to as Vee. It was like a coming of age thing. You know, a "The Son becomes the Father" type stuff. I liked it. Once I moved from New Jersey to MD, however, I began to miss being called Dell. Because it was a family thing, no one else knew about it. So, I decided to bring it out of the closet make make family here.

I like my nickname. It seems to have caught on to the other people around me, too. Some people I don't mind. Others I'm like, "Why are you calling me Dell? Ion't know you like that, slim." That's because it was always a family thing. People that were close to me and important to me called me that. But random person that I've only know for 28 seconds...if you call me Dell I may look at you funny, but I won't be mean. With that being said, most of the people that call me Dell I'm just fine with...so if you already do, keep doing it. You've been cleared :-)

What's In A Name, Anyway?

Plenty! I wonder about the things that are attached to my name. I'm sure that it's a combination of good and bad. Contrary to my own popular belief (lol), I'm not perfect. What you call something either imparts the grace necessary for it to be built up (Ephesians 4:29) or it halts the building process. What things in your life have been halted because you called it the wrong thing? What things should have already been built in your life, but you haven't given the Master Builder the right materials? Faith is what's needed to see breakthrough, creation, and growth. Faith is imparted by WORDS...I dare you to search through the promises of God, and see what God has to say about your life. Since God wants your life blessed, you call your life blessed as well, and watch what God begins to build.

(I'm not going to preach...but I think I just did...so I'll stop now lol).

Back from Florida

hello world.

i'm back from florida. it was a great time. it was good to get away. had a bunch of laughs (and a two REALLY big laughs that i will NEVER forget!)

oh, and the words/phrases of the week are:

impactual (yep, your right. that's not a word!)

copious notes (it just sounds cool, moe! oh, wait "mo" lol!)

big-ups are due for the new National Board of ANQ! keep doin what you're doin! i'm definitely committed to working to see success manifest!

so, i began reading this book called S.H.A.P.E. christina recommended it to me. and, like every other book she's recommended to me, it begins by playing my life. "your are walking in a fractured kingdom focus." whomp. that's something that i'm working on. i'm good at a fair amount of things; however, i need to find my niche. that will be happening in the coming weeks.

there's been something on my heart lately. i want to see men grow in god. for real. however, i think that too often we aren't given the tools to grow. men need somethings that they can grasp onto. so, for the next couple of weeks, send me your questions and we're gonna grow together. let's get some tangible answers to some questions. if i can't answer, i'll find someone that can.

love ya!!!

I'm back...

Hey.



Don't be mad at me.



I know that I haven't blogged like I said that I would. Consistency is becoming my new best friend. We're still feeling each other out.



With that being said, I'll just update you on the various points of my life so that you be up to speed.



Tennis

Tennis is definitely one of my girlfriends. I have many girlfriends (Chipotle, Pandora Radio, etc.) and I constantly date them all. They don't seem to have a problem with it. But yeah, tennis is my favorite sport in the world. I like it better than martial arts, and that's saying something.


As you all may know, this summer I entered a league. The former results the results in a nutshell: I'm getting better, but I hardly ever win! Ugh! Anyone that knows me knows that that whole not winning thing isn't fun. Most of my matches are very close though, but I need to just get over that hump.


With that being said, I altered my workout a bit to help with my fitness. And, viola! I won my last match, 6-1, 6-3! And this was against a guy that I lost a tight might to the first time! I another match, lost one (which was a blower), and i won a toughie on Saturday 5-7, 6-4, 10-5 (champion tiebreak). Three hours in the heat is never fun...but it's all a part of the game. I'm 3-1 on the season!

Work

I don't work at RTI anymore. I really enjoyed working with RaMona and the like. More than that, I enjoyed having my own cubicle. Even more than that, I enjoyed having ELBOW ROOM!!! Anyone that knows me knows that I needs personal space. However, instead of the normal five feet that Americans prefer, the range of my personal space covers two square miles. I'm like a lion in the Savannah, I guess.

I have none of those that this new job. I'm the office assistant for a real estate company. I get paid more than at RTI, which is good. It's part time, so it leaves room for school, which is also good. However...my personal space is gone and my patience is constantly tested. Hmmm...God help! I know, I know. Let me take the words out of your mouth: "You need to be thankful that you have a job in this recession! Amen, Hallelujah, Praise God." Yes, I know. I realize that, and that's what keeps me going. I have a blessing and and lesson going on at the same time.

School

School starts on the 24th of this month. I'm ready to start back up to make that march towards my goal. I still have some concerns, though. My school is a very liberal school, which I do think fits me. However, at times I think they are liberal in the wrong ways. I personally cannot allow my love for people to trump what God says.

I must admit, I was a little rocked by some of the opinions and issues from last semester. I talked to God about it, and He said to just follow Him like the North Star! As I spend more time with Him, I'll know what to treasure and what to trash! Amen!

So, question for you, my wonderful readers: what would you like to see me blog about? What questions to you have? What issues should we tackle together? Talk to me and let me know what's going on...

Freedom...

This weekend was a good one. I got to spend a decent amount of time with my frat and sorors. And it was some of the All-Stars, too, like Christina Cobb, Firenza, Shaduuuri (sorry, had to do it), Eric, and the like. Angel came through too (even though she slept most of the time). Good stuff, man!

While we had fun laughing and eating, as usual, this was one of those times that I got to witness just how special these people are. My wonderful sister, C.Cobb, definitely was flowing with Holy Spirit when she was speaking truth for real. Even though it was specifically for one person, it really impacted all of us. Eric said that moments like that help us to appreciate people for who they are. So often, because we are super funny, entertaining, and creative people we become common to each other and forget that we are anointed. Never before have I been surrounded by such raw talent.

The conversation continued, and suddenly I found myself talking. I was talking about all the success that I had in school with academics and winning awards. The Spirit of Revelation was clearly still in the room, and it was one of those instances where the word you need comes out of your own mouth (a la Peter's revelation that Jesus was the Christ). I sat on Eric's radiator and said...

"I've realized that at some point I placed more value in what I can do than with who I am."

I think the whole room fell out right there. It's been an underlying issue for years with me. I can do a lot. I really feel like I can do anything. I really think that I'm extremely capable. However, my perception of myself can be very low at times. It's a two-edged sword. When I succeed in my given tasks, I'm on a high because I value being able to "do," but when I fail I'm felt out in the cold because I don't have any victories to hang on my neck. All I can do is just "be."

Back at home, we had something called the award wall. Everyone in my family is an achiever. My mom kills at school. Played in the band, sang. Community leader and such. My dad, the same. One time commander-in-chief of The Post (If you're from Asbury Park you know exactly what that is). My sister won every academic award available. Me, always on the honor roll. Martial arts champion (I'm out of practice so don't attack me). Successful at tennis. Valedictorian of my high school class. I've done a lot. But what about when I don't do anything? Who am I then?

It blew my mind. I always knew that it was true, but I was weird to hear myself say it. Very weird. But after I said it, I found myself wanted to experience freedom. Release from all the situations that caused this type of bondage. I just want to be free. Run wild. Be unapologetically me.

How would that look? What happens when I'm not Dean/Co-Dean/President/Minister whoever? I would really like to know.

All I know for sure right now is this:

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

...And You Didn't Even Wash Your Hands!/ Security Fail

So, at some point I want to actually give some exhortation/encouragement/wisdom to you all; however, the events of the last few days have prompted a special bulletin.

I like to discuss and laugh at strange situations, so let's start with this new video from Beyonce's lil sis, Solange. Look at the video here first. It's about four minutes long.



Did you look at it?












Don't read any further til you do!





Okay, did she really just pee on a stick? I mean, for real! Don't you put those things in a cup or something? And she didn't even wash her hands! I actually like the song, but I feel like her on the toilet seat takin' a wiz on the EPT is a little much. And who just happens to have pregnancy tests on deck? No, Solange. Just no.


On to other news, this Saturday was interesting. Me, Phillip, and Sample came home from a BBQ. We went into the house and we saw that someone was in the bathroom. We assumed that it was one of our other housemates, so we paid it no mind. The three of us went back outside to chop it up some more when a large black male peered out of the door!

Sample and I prepare to attack, when the dude announced himself. "I didn't know that anyone else lived here," he said. Me, in my usual inquisitive way, asked him "Who are you?"

"I'm one of Mike's (named changed to protect the innocent) friends. His door was open so I just came in."

As anyone that knows me could figure out, at this point my slant face was in full effect. And my fists where clenched. "Wow, Verdell," Phillip said. "Where'd he come from"

"Oh, so you're Verdell!" The football player sized person said! "I was wondering who the extra people where! When I was looking through the mail I couldn't tell who was who."

Stop the bus moment: you went through the mail? Are you serious? Where do these people come from? But wait...there's more.

The gentlemen continued to talk...much to my dismay. "Yeah, I didn't realize that anyone else lived here besides Mike and Phil. I walked around just to get a feel for a place. Y'know, upstairs and stuff. Don't worry. I didn't take anything. Are you all in ANQ?"

Again, here I go, asking questions that I already know the answers to. I look at brothaman (you know, the dude from the 5th floor on Martin) "Wait, so, you went in all our rooms?"

"Yes," he replied. "Don't worry. I didn't steal anything. I just wanted to get a feel for my surroundings. But I whose guitar and drum set are those?" Please note that everything he saw he had to either go into a closet or bedroom to see.

Seriously though? Really? Locking my door from now on. All I can say is that the word for that day was security fail.

Maybe next time I'll have something spiritual to say. IDK...

GCC Men's Retreat/ I Finally Got My Meal!!!

Hello, Blog World

You know, it's been a while since I've blogged seriously. I've had a few false starts at trying to become more consistent with it, but to no avail. Now, I thinks me got the motivation...so let's go!

FYI

This blog will be used for the purpose of showing the world one of the greatest things you could ever learn about...ME! I'm only...serious :-). But really, I feel like the people around me know me, but don't really know me. People know about me, but very few people know the inner workings that make up Verdell Anthony Wright. And concerning those said workings, I'll probably never just outright tell you. I don't necessarily like blabbing about myself all the time. However, I don't mind writing about myself. I think that I'm a much more articulate writer than speaker (and I do a darn good job at public speaking). I'll do a post that just details what you'll learn about me on the blog.

Tennis Woes

I'm in a tennis league this summer. Unfortunately, I've lost both of my matches. It sucks. I feel like some of my confidence is down. I'll hang in there in the beginning, but once I lose, it's like I lose the will to fight. Gotta correct that.

I play with a one handed backhand. It's my favorite shot to hit. Unfortunately, it's been somewhat MIA this season. I need to find a practice partner. And does anyone want to buy me a new racket?

One thing I do notice though is that I try to do too much. Tennis matches are won, not lost. It doesn't matter how fancy a winner is, it's only worth one point. There are no video cameras recording the action. I'm going to employ Chris's (shout out to my little) tip of four shots in. And take it easy. Make the other person win.

GCC Men's Retreat

This weekend I went on the Men's Retreat with my church, Grace Covenant DC. I was really excited about it. I've been attending the church for over a year, and i recently became a member. I've enjoyed the small groups and the fellowship. However, I didn't feel like I had a connection with the men there.

This weekend changed all that. One of my prayers was that life long relationships would begin to grow as a result of this weekend. I think that is exactly what is happening. And it was worth the uber humid cabin, the thousand men snoring, and the billions of bumblebees!

Highlights of the weekend:

• Playing ping pong with two of my pastors. That pic you see is of Pastor Jones. His backhand is actually better than his forehand...which i didn't figure out until i was two points away from losing.

• Playing Egyptian Ratscrew (I didn't know anyone else knew about that game)

• Showing the Grace Covenant Men how to Pogo (people weren't getting it at first, and they were getting frustrated! I thought I was going to be excommunicated!)

Sayings of the Weekend
-"It smells like someone had a personal experience in here." Sam
-"Well, I'm really not after poetic satisfaction!" Akil
-"God restores the years!" Me, after I got ten cards back in Egyptian Ratscrew
-"I guess bidding your hand is out of the question." Me, while playing spades and the other team constantly underbid.

Church the Next Day

After arriving back from the retreat, I actually went to bed early so that I would be rested for the church the next day. I'm sure that I would've lost some of my reward in heaven if I didn't show up. The message was good, as always.

I decided to join the worship team! I'm excited about that. I think it will fit in the best with my with my schedule in the foreseeable. Had to remind myself of the commitments to school, ANQ, and other stuff. I'm just excited to start serving at the place that I am making my home.

Red Lobster

So, a couple of months ago I had one of the best meals of my life at Red Lobster. Honey BBQ chicken with shrimp and mashed potatoes. I've been fiening to have that meal again, and the chance has escaped me too many times. Sunday, I decided to break that cycle and go for myself. I rounded up the troops and headed over to the Red Lobster in Silver Spring. Now, mind you, this one is slightly hood, but the food is still good. Eric and Christina came and ate with me. Fun times, SP05!!!

Before Cobb came, Eric and I talked about some ANQ business. I still think it's funny discussing stuff with him, because I'm just an open book. He already knows what I'm thinking and feeling...he's just waiting for me to say it. It's rare that you can find someone that you can be great friends with AND work together!

Of course, we had an engaging conversation. It was about church direction and ministry. One thought provoking question was this: even in the midst of pursuing the simple, is it possible to make it too simple? Do we eliminate vital means of connecting with God when we try to trim things down too much? As much as this generation wants to get down to what's really important, we have to be mindful that we are getting rid of the chaft, not the nutrients.

One thing to really keep in mind is that ministry is two things that the average person may not realize. It's a non-profit organization, and it's a customer service outlet. The best churches are run like businesses. The Founder President of my Fraternity, Doral R. Pulley, says it like this "We hear God, and we respond by business." The inner working and procedures of a ministry are so vital. Regardless of how successful the transforming of lives is, if the behind the scenes issues aren't addressed then the ministry will fall.

It's customer service because ministry is all about meeting needs. What do the people in the congregation need? Who are they? What is there background? What is needed to bring the fullness of God into their lives? If these issues are ignored, then the people aren't being served. So think about it: is your ministry actually helping people, or is it just you performing your favorite hobby and saying "amen" after you're finished? Hmmm...

GCC Men's Retreat/ I finally had my meal!!!

Hello, Blog World

You know, it's been a while since I've blogged seriously. I've had a few false starts at trying to become more consistent with it, but to no avail. Now, I thinks me got the motivation...so let's go!

FYI

This blog will be used for the purpose of showing the world one of the greatest things you could ever learn about...ME! I'm only...serious :-). But really, I feel like the people around me know me, but don't really know me. People know about me, but very few people know the inner workings that make up Verdell Anthony Wright. And concerning those said workings, I'll probably never just outright tell you. I don't necessarily like blabbing about myself all the time. However, I don't mind writing about myself. I think that I'm a much more articulate writer than speaker (and I do a darn good job at public speaking). I'll do a post that just details what you'll learn about me on the blog.

Tennis Woes

I'm in a tennis league this summer. Unfortunately, I've lost both of my matches. It sucks. I feel like some of my confidence is down. I'll hang in there in the beginning, but once I lose, it's like I lose the will to fight. Gotta correct that.

I play with a one handed backhand. It's my favorite shot to hit. Unfortunately, it's been somewhat MIA this season. I need to find a practice partner. And does anyone want to buy me a new racket?

One thing I do notice though is that I try to do too much. Tennis matches are won, not lost. It doesn't matter how fancy a winner is, it's only worth one point. There are no video cameras recording the action. I'm going to employ Chris's (shout out to my little) tip of four shots in. And take it easy. Make the other person win.

GCC Men's Retreat

This weekend I went on the Men's Retreat with my church, Grace Covenant DC. I was really excited about it. I've been attending the church for over a year, and i recently became a member. I've enjoyed the small groups and the fellowship. However, I didn't feel like I had a connection with the men there.

This weekend changed all that. One of my prayers was that life long relationships would begin to grow as a result of this weekend. I think that is exactly what is happening. And it was worth the uber humid cabin, the thousand men snoring, and the billions of bumblebees!

Highlights of the weekend:

• Playing ping pong with two of my pastors. That pic you see is of Pastor Jones. His backhand is actually better than his forehand...which i didn't figure out until i was two points away from losing.

• Playing Egyptian Ratscrew (I didn't know anyone else knew about that game)

• Showing the Grace Covenant Men how to Pogo (people weren't getting it at first, and they were getting frustrated! I thought I was going to be excommunicated!)

Sayings of the Weekend
-"It smells like someone had a personal experience in here." Sam
-"Well, I'm really not after poetic satisfaction!" Akil
-"God restores the years!" Me, after I got ten cards back in Egyptian Ratscrew
-"I guess bidding your hand is out of the question." Me, while playing spades and the other team constantly underbid.

Church the Next Day

After arriving back from the retreat, I actually went to bed early so that I would be rested for the church the next day. I'm sure that I would've lost some of my reward in heaven if I didn't show up. The message was good, as always.

I decided to join the worship team! I'm excited about that. I think it will fit in the best with my with my schedule in the foreseeable. Had to remind myself of the commitments to school, ANQ, and other stuff. I'm just excited to start serving at the place that I am making my home.

Red Lobster

So, a couple of months ago I had one of the best meals of my life at Red Lobster. Honey BBQ chicken with shrimp and mashed potatoes. I've been fiening to have that meal again, and the chance has escaped me too many times. Sunday, I decided to break that cycle and go for myself. I rounded up the troops and headed over to the Red Lobster in Silver Spring. Now, mind you, this one is slightly hood, but the food is still good. Eric and Christina came and ate with me. Fun times, SP05!!!

Before Cobb came, Eric and I talked about some ANQ business. I still think it's funny discussing stuff with him, because I'm just an open book. He already knows what I'm thinking and feeling...he's just waiting for me to say it. It's rare that you can find someone that you can be great friends with AND work together!

Of course, we had an engaging conversation. It was about church direction and ministry. One thought provoking question was this: even in the midst of pursuing the simple, is it possible to make it too simple? Do we eliminate vital means of connecting with God when we try to trim things down too much? As much as this generation wants to get down to what's really important, we have to be mindful that we are getting rid of the chaft, not the nutrients.

One thing to really keep in mind is that ministry is two things that the average person may not realize. It's a non-profit organization, and it's a customer service outlet. The best churches are run like businesses. The Founder President of my Fraternity, Doral R. Pulley, says it like this "We hear God, and we respond by business." The inner working and procedures of a ministry are so vital. Regardless of how successful the transforming of lives is, if the behind the scenes issues aren't addressed then the ministry will fall.

It's customer service because ministry is all about meeting needs. What do the people in the congregation need? Who are they? What is there background? What is needed to bring the fullness of God into their lives? If these issues are ignored, then the people aren't being served. So think about it: is your ministry actually helping people, or is it just you performing your favorite hobby and saying "amen" after you're finished? Hmmm...


Until next time.

Comic Books on the Web

Comic Books on the Web
Comic books, like other forms of media, are now easily found on the internet. Will this effect the industry in any way?
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/93682/comic_books_on_the_web.html

small

"We have become so connected with the common that we fail to see anything more; living so in need of validation and approval from the status quo.

Let me clarify ...there is status quo in family and status quo on Sunday mornings and status quo in the workplace. Therefore it becomes impossible for us to dream because we expect someone to understand our positions in life or we expect to have seen some similarities of our lives before.

Believe this:
The "dream" and the "common" will never know each other. The two will never meet. We believe that if people don't understand us it's a bad thing, thus sometimes pushing us into a state of being lonely. We equate loneliness (a depressive trait) with being alone. However, being alone is actually a gift to everyone. Why? Because……. God deeply desires to be alone with us. This is the gift of being spiritual. He never wants to share His space with anyone else."

That was from Leon Timbo's myspace page. he's a dope musician, so give him a read.

excepting a challenge via my big sis Celenia's blog, i'm going to spend some time this week being honest about myself for the world. i feel like people really don't know me. if anything, they know that i'm serious about christ and could be consider a "radical" if you will. i don't think i'm a radical by nature; i'm a radical by exposure. the people and events that i've been exposed to in my christian live haven't given me any other choice but to live and belief like i do.

with that being said, there's much more to me that people will probably NEVER know unless we're been friends for a while. and i mean A WHILE. and don't think just because i told you that watched porn in the past or that i have lingering daddy issues that i've been transparent...LOL!!! there are so many layers to dell...

one thing that people might not get is that sometimes i feel small. i feel like everyone one around me is bigger, better, more powerful, and worthy of more attention. i feel small because people have stuff that i don't have, stuff that society says i should have by now (car, 401k, girlfriend, etc). it makes me feel like a failure. small. small, and handicapped. like a blind man...he has eyes and they don't work. the cripple that has legs but can't walk. for a large portion of the past 2.5 years...i've felt crippled. wow. thats a slightly scary revelation even to myself. doing all the right things but never getting the right results. having all the right stuff but never getting the right product.

after i read the aforementioned post by leon timbo...i realized that i gotta stop paying attention to all that other stuff, other people, and their stuff, and start paying attention to HIM. he loves me, and he's never abandoned me. there are dreams on the inside of me...dreams and the common can never coexist. i've always pursued my dreams...that's why there are 200 comics books, a black belt, a trophy, and a dell in DC.

i'm sitll learning, but i feel like i'm finally coming out of that. i think i'm learning to be okay with being small. god likes small. that means he can be BIG.