the beginnings of faith

one thing that i've realized about seminary is that it doesn't really make you into something. it brings out more of what your authentic experience is.  i've had professors that i've totally disagreed with, but thus far all have enriched me.  i appreciate that. 

in terms of my own experience, i believe that it's been totally brought to the forefront because of my seminary experience.  i didn't grow up in church.  the lesson that i remember learning about god was from my nanna.  she taught me that god was my father and that made me a prince.  god loved me, and if i prayed he would listen.  i carried that with me for all these years.

i honestly never believed in anything but jesus.  i didn't even understand all of what "salvation" meant, but i just knew that jesus was the right one.  i don't know why.  my nanna never had any extensive discussions about jesus with me, so i really wasn't preconditioned to stick to jesus.  he (jesus) really wasn't in my mind at all when i prayed. 

i can trace my first sincere experience with jesus back to is a day in the basement. i believe i was in tenth grade. it was easter time.  jesus of nazereth was playing, and i watched the last part of it.  watching the death scene got to me, not that it was graphic (it wasn't) but somehow i was just moved by what jesus did.  for me? i thought.  tears streamed down my face.  that was probably the beginning.

still, i didn't understand what "salvation" was.  the only inking i had for years was again from my nanna.  she bought me a king james bible when i was about 12.  she wrote in it with big letters "THIS IS THE ONLY BOOK THAT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE IF YOU DO WHAT GOD SAYS."  i knew that one day i would read this book more than any other.  but in terms of "salvation" it didn't cross my mind.

my nanna only discussed church with me.  "some to church, dell.  you can meet some of the young men there." i didn't want to.  she went to church on saturday, and i wasn't going to give up my cartoons.  that, and something on the inside just made me feel like god didn't care about one day in particular.  besides, i remembered the conversations that she had about people in church...they all seemed crazy! why would i want to go there? i'd have to dress up and sit there for four hours.  god and i would have to find another way to meet.  church wasn't an option at this point, and i'm glad.  if i was forced to go, then i probably wouldn't be where i am right now.

so, for a few more years, god was the understand that i had.  church was a waste of time at best. oh, and jesus had something to do with all of it.  when college rolled around, then it was time to understand even more.