small

"We have become so connected with the common that we fail to see anything more; living so in need of validation and approval from the status quo.

Let me clarify ...there is status quo in family and status quo on Sunday mornings and status quo in the workplace. Therefore it becomes impossible for us to dream because we expect someone to understand our positions in life or we expect to have seen some similarities of our lives before.

Believe this:
The "dream" and the "common" will never know each other. The two will never meet. We believe that if people don't understand us it's a bad thing, thus sometimes pushing us into a state of being lonely. We equate loneliness (a depressive trait) with being alone. However, being alone is actually a gift to everyone. Why? Because……. God deeply desires to be alone with us. This is the gift of being spiritual. He never wants to share His space with anyone else."

That was from Leon Timbo's myspace page. he's a dope musician, so give him a read.

excepting a challenge via my big sis Celenia's blog, i'm going to spend some time this week being honest about myself for the world. i feel like people really don't know me. if anything, they know that i'm serious about christ and could be consider a "radical" if you will. i don't think i'm a radical by nature; i'm a radical by exposure. the people and events that i've been exposed to in my christian live haven't given me any other choice but to live and belief like i do.

with that being said, there's much more to me that people will probably NEVER know unless we're been friends for a while. and i mean A WHILE. and don't think just because i told you that watched porn in the past or that i have lingering daddy issues that i've been transparent...LOL!!! there are so many layers to dell...

one thing that people might not get is that sometimes i feel small. i feel like everyone one around me is bigger, better, more powerful, and worthy of more attention. i feel small because people have stuff that i don't have, stuff that society says i should have by now (car, 401k, girlfriend, etc). it makes me feel like a failure. small. small, and handicapped. like a blind man...he has eyes and they don't work. the cripple that has legs but can't walk. for a large portion of the past 2.5 years...i've felt crippled. wow. thats a slightly scary revelation even to myself. doing all the right things but never getting the right results. having all the right stuff but never getting the right product.

after i read the aforementioned post by leon timbo...i realized that i gotta stop paying attention to all that other stuff, other people, and their stuff, and start paying attention to HIM. he loves me, and he's never abandoned me. there are dreams on the inside of me...dreams and the common can never coexist. i've always pursued my dreams...that's why there are 200 comics books, a black belt, a trophy, and a dell in DC.

i'm sitll learning, but i feel like i'm finally coming out of that. i think i'm learning to be okay with being small. god likes small. that means he can be BIG.