i've thought about it, and this is what i think.
i want to be the best ME.
i don't want to become the best thing that someone else thinks i should be, so then i can get their approval.
i don't want to be whack (and i'm not), but i also don't want to beat myself over the head becoming "marriage material" either. because what if i never get married? while i want to get married, it's a chance that it might not happen.
what then? i spent time making a nest for a bird that will never come home.
so, instead, i want to work on me. being the best me i can be. growing in character. growing in wisdom. because the best me is what the one for me would want anyway. and if they never come along, i can say that i've gotten a lot out of myself.
my name is verdell. i like cartoons. i'm a theology nerd. i love tennis. i eat breakfast food all the time. i'm a sucker for serials and other shows with an ongoing story. i'm a bid kid. i like superman.
oh, and i'm doing my best to walk like christ and demonstrate his character every day.
if that's not enough for you...that's too bad. it HAS to be enough for me.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Pass Me Not...
had another one of those pivotal convos with a very close friend today. we were sharing some things that were on our hearts. when i discussed my issues, he said he would think about what i said and then get back to me.
i told him that i feel like i'm consistently passed by as a person. i mean, i know people love me. but i feel like i'm never considered for much...i'm just "verdell." oh, that verdell, he'll have a word from god, and definition for the word you don't know, and even a good joke. but that's it. i told him that i routinely feel passed up by women, and that i feel guys don't respect me at all. "is there something i need to fix? am i doing something wrong?" i asked. "i really want to know...i just need some answers."
after thinking for a while, he called me back with some answers. "let me say this," he said. "i don't think you really need to change yourself. i think you are fine how you are. however, i do think there are some things that work against you."
"work against me?" i asked. "i'm confused."
my friend reassured me. "i'll explain. i don't think these things are bad things, but it will make it more challenging for you out here to attract attention. the first is that you are a black christian male. like, you really want to live for god. however, the stereotype of christian men, especially black christian men, is that they are punks, weak, and gay."
he continued. "Next, you're a nice guy. i know you have some jersey tendencies that pop out, but a person won't see them unless they really spend time with you. you don't fit the stereotypical model of a man in that way, you know, tough, rugged, super masculine all the time. people could perceive that as gay, too. actually, when i met you i thought that was a possibility. you demeanor fits the mold."
that made my heart sink a little. but i continued to listen.
"i know that isn't the case now, as i got to know you. but i feel like that'll make a lot of women in our circles ignore you and a lot of men have a slightly negative opinion about you. they might not esteem you as 'a man.' they'll assume that you're weak, and not really give you your due. i think it's a good thing though, that you don't play 'my penis is bigger than yours' like other guys do. it shows that you're confident."
"lastly, you have unique tastes. you like to read, you play tennis, you play video games, and you read comic books. you don't fit the image of a stereotypical dude that way. and you blog! and you have a very childlike heart. again, not your stereotypical dude."
"Dag," i said. "everything you said about me is true. there's nothing on that list that i can change without becoming a totally different person. i like all that stuff about me."
"i do, too!" my friend responded. "i like the fact that you like tennis, that you get excited about video games, and that you really try to be nice to people. that makes you...you! however, those are things run counter to what society expects a men, especially a black man, to be.
we talked for a while longer. i don't know if it was obvious through the phone conversation, but a tear streamed down my face. i was sad because everything my friend said about me was true: it was authentically me. i didn't want to change; i like myself. however, who i am isn't "normal."it was a tension that i've dealt with for over 20 years. i was feeling the pinch from it very strong the past few months.
there was no option. i was going to continue being me. i hung up the phone with my friend and cried some more. i didn't want to, but i figured if i just cried i would see some clarity afterwards. i was right. i realized that if the the disrespect, the overlooking, and the labels that get thrown my way is a price for being authentic, then i'll suffer. i honestly sat back and said that this is authentically me. for real. no filler. my character can always get better, and it will. but my personally is this.
take me as i am...that's what i'm doing.
i told him that i feel like i'm consistently passed by as a person. i mean, i know people love me. but i feel like i'm never considered for much...i'm just "verdell." oh, that verdell, he'll have a word from god, and definition for the word you don't know, and even a good joke. but that's it. i told him that i routinely feel passed up by women, and that i feel guys don't respect me at all. "is there something i need to fix? am i doing something wrong?" i asked. "i really want to know...i just need some answers."
after thinking for a while, he called me back with some answers. "let me say this," he said. "i don't think you really need to change yourself. i think you are fine how you are. however, i do think there are some things that work against you."
"work against me?" i asked. "i'm confused."
my friend reassured me. "i'll explain. i don't think these things are bad things, but it will make it more challenging for you out here to attract attention. the first is that you are a black christian male. like, you really want to live for god. however, the stereotype of christian men, especially black christian men, is that they are punks, weak, and gay."
he continued. "Next, you're a nice guy. i know you have some jersey tendencies that pop out, but a person won't see them unless they really spend time with you. you don't fit the stereotypical model of a man in that way, you know, tough, rugged, super masculine all the time. people could perceive that as gay, too. actually, when i met you i thought that was a possibility. you demeanor fits the mold."
that made my heart sink a little. but i continued to listen.
"i know that isn't the case now, as i got to know you. but i feel like that'll make a lot of women in our circles ignore you and a lot of men have a slightly negative opinion about you. they might not esteem you as 'a man.' they'll assume that you're weak, and not really give you your due. i think it's a good thing though, that you don't play 'my penis is bigger than yours' like other guys do. it shows that you're confident."
"lastly, you have unique tastes. you like to read, you play tennis, you play video games, and you read comic books. you don't fit the image of a stereotypical dude that way. and you blog! and you have a very childlike heart. again, not your stereotypical dude."
"Dag," i said. "everything you said about me is true. there's nothing on that list that i can change without becoming a totally different person. i like all that stuff about me."
"i do, too!" my friend responded. "i like the fact that you like tennis, that you get excited about video games, and that you really try to be nice to people. that makes you...you! however, those are things run counter to what society expects a men, especially a black man, to be.
we talked for a while longer. i don't know if it was obvious through the phone conversation, but a tear streamed down my face. i was sad because everything my friend said about me was true: it was authentically me. i didn't want to change; i like myself. however, who i am isn't "normal."it was a tension that i've dealt with for over 20 years. i was feeling the pinch from it very strong the past few months.
there was no option. i was going to continue being me. i hung up the phone with my friend and cried some more. i didn't want to, but i figured if i just cried i would see some clarity afterwards. i was right. i realized that if the the disrespect, the overlooking, and the labels that get thrown my way is a price for being authentic, then i'll suffer. i honestly sat back and said that this is authentically me. for real. no filler. my character can always get better, and it will. but my personally is this.
take me as i am...that's what i'm doing.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Christian Masculinity
at times, christian men confuse me.
and yes, i'm christian. and a man. *double checks*
i think we cater to the world's idea of masculinity and try to pass it off as christian. we have this warrior, braveheart mentality about our walk and they way that men should behave and i think it constantly falls short of Christ.
of course, the image of an athlete and a solider is used in the new testament. but we have to remember that 1.) those images were used to prove a point that paul was driving home, and 2.) they are images AMONGST OTHER IMAGES. images are used to point to a bigger reality, but the images themselves are NOT the reality. another examples are jesus' sayings about the kingdom. it would be "the kingdom is like..." because he's using an example to illustrate a point about the kingdom. there are MANY examples of what the kingdom is like, not just one. to ignore the others for the sake of one is a mistake.
just holding to one image isn't a holistic (or fair) approach to scripture. one of the biggest failings of western christianity overall is our lack of understanding where we've traded christ's ideal for the contemporary society that we've lived in (that's how TBN stays on the air). according to our standards, jesus is a wuss for crying when lazarus died and needs to "man up." and that whole business about jesus wanting his homies to hang with him before he was arrested? real men go it alone. oh, and forget that whole lamenting over lost cities with woes and whatnot, and saying that he wanted to gather them up like a hen (luke 13:34). yep, jesus wanted to act like a chicken. a GIRL chicken at that.
according to our culture men aren't supposed to show emotion, besides aggression (i think this is particularly true in the african american community, but that's worth another post all together). men are supposed to be tough, focused, and intense. i don't think those are bad qualities, but being "tough, focused, and intense" usually is an excuse for being hardheaded, narrow minded, and insensitive. jesus was none of those things.
now what i'm saying doesn't negate being good stewards, or providing for families, managing emotions, etc. forget being christ-like, that's just good sense! but i think that we stifle people's growth when we force them to fit a personality archetype. Character and personality are not the same thing. personality is just that...personal! but character determines how dispense our personality to the world. for example, look at a highway. all the cars have different designs, colors, and features (personality) but they are have four wheels and run on gas (character).
i guess it's a hot button issue for me because i know how it feels to be looked down at and talked about because i'm not "manly enough" according to society's standards and/or christian standards (which are remarkably like the world). i've been called all types of names because of it, and some of them still stick with me a bit. but i have to say that my two examples of exemplary men in my life are where i draw my opinion of manhood.
of course, one is christ. i think if we realized how much he was free from the constraints of his society, we wouldn't approach some things the way that we do. the other is my father. my father taught me to be strong, to be diligent. but he taught me to be myself. he didn't make me play sports. he saw that i liked reading better, so he bought me books. he saw that i like drawing so he bought me paper. he didn't try to make into what society thought a "man" should be. trust, verdell wright, sr. didn't raise a punk...but i think more than anyone else i know my father understood the cost of being "mr. rough and tough." he didn't want me, his son, to pay the same price.
thanks dad.
and yes, i'm christian. and a man. *double checks*
i think we cater to the world's idea of masculinity and try to pass it off as christian. we have this warrior, braveheart mentality about our walk and they way that men should behave and i think it constantly falls short of Christ.
of course, the image of an athlete and a solider is used in the new testament. but we have to remember that 1.) those images were used to prove a point that paul was driving home, and 2.) they are images AMONGST OTHER IMAGES. images are used to point to a bigger reality, but the images themselves are NOT the reality. another examples are jesus' sayings about the kingdom. it would be "the kingdom is like..." because he's using an example to illustrate a point about the kingdom. there are MANY examples of what the kingdom is like, not just one. to ignore the others for the sake of one is a mistake.
just holding to one image isn't a holistic (or fair) approach to scripture. one of the biggest failings of western christianity overall is our lack of understanding where we've traded christ's ideal for the contemporary society that we've lived in (that's how TBN stays on the air). according to our standards, jesus is a wuss for crying when lazarus died and needs to "man up." and that whole business about jesus wanting his homies to hang with him before he was arrested? real men go it alone. oh, and forget that whole lamenting over lost cities with woes and whatnot, and saying that he wanted to gather them up like a hen (luke 13:34). yep, jesus wanted to act like a chicken. a GIRL chicken at that.
according to our culture men aren't supposed to show emotion, besides aggression (i think this is particularly true in the african american community, but that's worth another post all together). men are supposed to be tough, focused, and intense. i don't think those are bad qualities, but being "tough, focused, and intense" usually is an excuse for being hardheaded, narrow minded, and insensitive. jesus was none of those things.
now what i'm saying doesn't negate being good stewards, or providing for families, managing emotions, etc. forget being christ-like, that's just good sense! but i think that we stifle people's growth when we force them to fit a personality archetype. Character and personality are not the same thing. personality is just that...personal! but character determines how dispense our personality to the world. for example, look at a highway. all the cars have different designs, colors, and features (personality) but they are have four wheels and run on gas (character).
i guess it's a hot button issue for me because i know how it feels to be looked down at and talked about because i'm not "manly enough" according to society's standards and/or christian standards (which are remarkably like the world). i've been called all types of names because of it, and some of them still stick with me a bit. but i have to say that my two examples of exemplary men in my life are where i draw my opinion of manhood.
of course, one is christ. i think if we realized how much he was free from the constraints of his society, we wouldn't approach some things the way that we do. the other is my father. my father taught me to be strong, to be diligent. but he taught me to be myself. he didn't make me play sports. he saw that i liked reading better, so he bought me books. he saw that i like drawing so he bought me paper. he didn't try to make into what society thought a "man" should be. trust, verdell wright, sr. didn't raise a punk...but i think more than anyone else i know my father understood the cost of being "mr. rough and tough." he didn't want me, his son, to pay the same price.
thanks dad.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Singleness Isn't a Curse...DO SOMETHING!
it seems like the ladies get all the singleness pep talks all the time, but dudes have trouble with being single too. it's true, because i was (and sometimes am) one of them.
we don't realize it, but a lot of times romantic relationships (boy/girlfriend, marriage) get a lot of shine in church circles. it's like the heavenly icing on the jesus cake. i mean, we're all christian...but if you're a REALLY good christian the good Lord will give you...a person! fresh off the presses, too! because clearly all they were doing is waiting to be given to you :-/ okay that perhaps a little much...but i'm usually a little much with topics like this so that's fine.
that makes it even worse when you throw in the whole "soul mate" business. i'm so thankful for keith battle teaching that message about it. i'm not saying that god can't pick someone for you to marry, i'm sure he does for SOME. but if we're a biblically based people...it's just not in there. you can't make that a blanket requirement if the bible is SILENT on it in my opinion.
but anyway, back to the main point. i've learned that singleness becomes a "burden" for me when i feel a lack of direction. when i actually know what the crap i'm doing, it doesn't bother me at all. this is what leads me to believe this: do you. your singleness is not a curse. it's actually a GIFT! sometimes i gag when i hear about my friends and all the stuff they do to cater to their relationships. i realize that those things are necessary to maintain a quality relationship. it's not that i don't want to do those things for the right person, but until i meet the right person the late night phone calls, the appointments (dates), and the MONEY i'll spend would be pointless. i'd rather be by myself until i meet the person i want to chose to be with.
in the meantime...LIVE! you can do so many things that people that are attached at the hip can't do. my days are all MINE!!!! i do what i want, when i want, for how long i want. when i'm ready to roll...i roll. i have the freedom to be focused on myself, my goals...and most importantly GOD'S PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. i don't think my singleness is a holding pattern until i meet someone. i think it's a perfect chance to work on myself, and learn about me.
"mami i'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better."<-----that's what i want to say.
we don't realize it, but a lot of times romantic relationships (boy/girlfriend, marriage) get a lot of shine in church circles. it's like the heavenly icing on the jesus cake. i mean, we're all christian...but if you're a REALLY good christian the good Lord will give you...a person! fresh off the presses, too! because clearly all they were doing is waiting to be given to you :-/ okay that perhaps a little much...but i'm usually a little much with topics like this so that's fine.
that makes it even worse when you throw in the whole "soul mate" business. i'm so thankful for keith battle teaching that message about it. i'm not saying that god can't pick someone for you to marry, i'm sure he does for SOME. but if we're a biblically based people...it's just not in there. you can't make that a blanket requirement if the bible is SILENT on it in my opinion.
but anyway, back to the main point. i've learned that singleness becomes a "burden" for me when i feel a lack of direction. when i actually know what the crap i'm doing, it doesn't bother me at all. this is what leads me to believe this: do you. your singleness is not a curse. it's actually a GIFT! sometimes i gag when i hear about my friends and all the stuff they do to cater to their relationships. i realize that those things are necessary to maintain a quality relationship. it's not that i don't want to do those things for the right person, but until i meet the right person the late night phone calls, the appointments (dates), and the MONEY i'll spend would be pointless. i'd rather be by myself until i meet the person i want to chose to be with.
in the meantime...LIVE! you can do so many things that people that are attached at the hip can't do. my days are all MINE!!!! i do what i want, when i want, for how long i want. when i'm ready to roll...i roll. i have the freedom to be focused on myself, my goals...and most importantly GOD'S PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. i don't think my singleness is a holding pattern until i meet someone. i think it's a perfect chance to work on myself, and learn about me.
"mami i'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better."<-----that's what i want to say.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
redirection
my back is sore again.
it's no where near what it was before. but i think somewhere along the way i did a tweaked it a little.
i had to do the smart thing and cut out the insanity for a bit. it was a tough pill to swallow because i had every intention of finishing month 2. however, i think the program makes my back do a little bit too much.
interesting enough, tennis or jogging doesn't hurt my back. i can take the bending and serving that comes with it with no pain at all, but moving my 212 pound frame on my hands and knees isn't the best thing at the moment. insanity requires some intense movements that i just can't swing at the moment.
perhaps this is a good thing. my tennis form has been a little off in my opinion. i've faded in matches. i haven't been able to push when it counted. perhaps i can turn this situation around and practice so i can do well this season.
it's no where near what it was before. but i think somewhere along the way i did a tweaked it a little.
i had to do the smart thing and cut out the insanity for a bit. it was a tough pill to swallow because i had every intention of finishing month 2. however, i think the program makes my back do a little bit too much.
interesting enough, tennis or jogging doesn't hurt my back. i can take the bending and serving that comes with it with no pain at all, but moving my 212 pound frame on my hands and knees isn't the best thing at the moment. insanity requires some intense movements that i just can't swing at the moment.
perhaps this is a good thing. my tennis form has been a little off in my opinion. i've faded in matches. i haven't been able to push when it counted. perhaps i can turn this situation around and practice so i can do well this season.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
what i want from a potential mate
note: i also hurt my back in the oddest of ways, but that's a story for another day
anyways, we were talking about relationships. it led me to realize that i desire to get married. i honestly want to share my life with someone. house, kids, an intimate connection w/ that one person. yep. i want it. however, i also realized that i don't want it at the expense of my dreams and aspirations. i want to do something with my life. i want to achieve my goals.
for me, a marriage isn't a destination. would it be a large portion? OF COURSE. but it wouldn't define who i am as a person.
i don't want another person to become absorbed with me. and i don't want to become absorbed with another person. i understand that in order for a relationship like marriage to work there has to be some sort of "need" there, but i wanted to be "wanted" more than i'm needed. i want someone to be such an enhancement to my life that i forget what it was like before she arrived. not that she was "needed" before, but her addition is just that bomb!
i guess it's kind of like a game genie! does anyone else remember that? you attached it to the games and put in all types of codes to help get you through the games. it would enable you to use certain abilities that you either didn't naturally have in the game or that would've taken you a long time to get on your own. you could play the games just fine without it, but having access to all the hidden powers made it that much more fun.
i want someone that is like that for me, and i want to be that for someone else.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
transformation
i feel like i'm in this really awesome place in my walk with god. i can actually feel the lord adjusting me in particular areas. i think this is what walking in grace feels like. i can honestly say that i'm being transformed by god and it feels wonderful. i'm looking a little more like jesus...and that's quite alright with me :-)
i think that reading this book, "the spirit of the disciplines" by dallas willard, helped a lot. the one thing it brought home for me was this: in order to live the life that jesus lived, you need to do what he did. spiritual life involves ourselves and our BODIES. what we do with it matters. it's our bodies that we use to operate with in the world, so if spiritual life bypasses your body, you really aren't getting all that you can.
i don't know why, but understanding that has done wonders for me. i think that when we think of our bodies we think of evil, perversion, and sin. of course, without the help of god that's what we will ultimately do. however, our bodies are the location and center of our life. jesus wants to use our bodies, do that special work in us, so that the resulting behaviors will actually BE US. it won't be a fake version of holiness, but a desire that is birthed by the grace of god that will ultimately cause YOU to live right.
i think sometimes we equate suppression with transformation. i believe that one can be transformed, which will cause you to suppress some things. but, just suppressing sin without leading to heart change isn't the full picture.
i'm going to look up some scriptures soon to get some scriptural basis. this is one of the rare times when my experience has come ahead of me having a text to come from!
i think that reading this book, "the spirit of the disciplines" by dallas willard, helped a lot. the one thing it brought home for me was this: in order to live the life that jesus lived, you need to do what he did. spiritual life involves ourselves and our BODIES. what we do with it matters. it's our bodies that we use to operate with in the world, so if spiritual life bypasses your body, you really aren't getting all that you can.
i don't know why, but understanding that has done wonders for me. i think that when we think of our bodies we think of evil, perversion, and sin. of course, without the help of god that's what we will ultimately do. however, our bodies are the location and center of our life. jesus wants to use our bodies, do that special work in us, so that the resulting behaviors will actually BE US. it won't be a fake version of holiness, but a desire that is birthed by the grace of god that will ultimately cause YOU to live right.
i think sometimes we equate suppression with transformation. i believe that one can be transformed, which will cause you to suppress some things. but, just suppressing sin without leading to heart change isn't the full picture.
i'm going to look up some scriptures soon to get some scriptural basis. this is one of the rare times when my experience has come ahead of me having a text to come from!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Music
something that a lot of people may not know about me is that i like music. particularly, i like singing. i grew up in a household where music was normal. my dad has tons of records. every so often, he would turn the tv off and play his old records in the house. that's how i learned about cameo and the song flashlight.
a large amount of people on both sides of my family either played an instrument or sang...and in a lot of cases both. i remember when my cousins and i were all together in virginia one year. we had to have a sing-off. the rational was this: if you were gladys dorsey's grandchild...you HAD to be able to at least harmonize. if you couldn't harmonize, you were clearly adopted. our mothers would all be in the kitchen and suddenly break out into a song as if they practiced.
here's some of the breakdown of the music talent/experience in my family:
mom: sings and clarinet
dad: drums
elia: flute
me: drums, choir, praise teams
nanna: played piano, and organ, and sang
aunt karen: sings
aunt carolyn: sings
derrick: trombone, sings
daniel: keyboard, guitar
mind you, me, my mom, and my sister have ALL won the same band award. hilarious. that only happens in asbury park.
anyway, i like music. music is one of the ways i connect to god. when i was struggling with being interested in church, singing on the praise team was the only thing that kept me going. i actually felt more spiritually edified from praise team practice than sunday service. i think that's because singing for me involves my whole self connecting with god, and a message that doesn't really engage me during a service makes me go sleep.
with this said, don't expect me to appear somewhere with a record (lol). i can carry a note pretty well....but verdell's solo gospel tour is NOT in the works. but i enjoy singing to god and it helps me experience him on a daily basis.
how do you experience god?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Jewels and Jems
just felt led to share a god encounter that i had today. i don't do this to seem super deep, but to hopefully encourage a deeper relationship with jesus!
i was praying with my eyes closed after reading my bible. after meditating for a few minutes, i started to see something that looked like flashing lights (my eyes were still closed). then, i could tell that the flashing light came from light bouncing off something else. i realized that it was gold. then i saw jems and types of precious stones.
then i heard god speak. "this is treasure," he said. "and this is inside of you. remember that."
MADE MY NIGHT! i just love jesus! and he loves you too! #thatisall
i was praying with my eyes closed after reading my bible. after meditating for a few minutes, i started to see something that looked like flashing lights (my eyes were still closed). then, i could tell that the flashing light came from light bouncing off something else. i realized that it was gold. then i saw jems and types of precious stones.
then i heard god speak. "this is treasure," he said. "and this is inside of you. remember that."
MADE MY NIGHT! i just love jesus! and he loves you too! #thatisall
christians and race pt.1
over the past few days, i've had a few conversations about christianity and race. i think it's an interesting topic. the conversation has inspired me, and at times exposed where we as people have healing that needs to take place.
i'll just start by saying this: i believe that god loves ALL people...all colors, all races, all ethinic groups, etc. i believe that jesus died to open the way for ALL people to be reconciled to god. with that being said, i believe that god is glorified through all the cultural distinctives that are expressed through the various groups of people throughout the world. africans worship differently from chinese...and that's fine. the direction of the worship is more important that source.
i have a scholarly approach to my opinion as well. this semester i had to write an exegetical paper on colossians 2:11-22. to sum up a long story, the author of this book (yeah, a majority of scholars don't think it was paul #sorry) believed that christ's death took away the division that separated jews and gentiles. These two distinct people groups, that were separated by the requirements of the law, were now (in Christ), merged together to create a new people group. this new "race" so to speak all have a common father...GOD...who is also the Emperor of the Universe. in the context of their unity they experience fellowship with their father.
i have trouble accepting a christian theology that excludes others, especially since most of the people that have that train of thought would be of the excluded group before christ (gentiles). i'm all for maintaining and celebrating ethnicity, but not to the exclusion of others. jesus paid the price for EVERY one to sit at the table. i am very much an african american male....the ancestor of slaves and abused native americans...and my people consistently suffer today because of racial and systematic injustice. i believe that god can and will deal with these situations, and i will be a part of it.
i won't allow human error in the area of race to dictate my worship. i won't turn my race into an idol to compensate for the fact that others hated it and still seek to oppress it. my simple and childlike (and perhaps childish, but i'll let you decide) idea is this: god is the father of lights...and light includes all the colors that we argue over so much. so why worship one color when god is the sum of them all?
i think i'll blog about this over the course of the week. there are some more points i want to hit.
i'll just start by saying this: i believe that god loves ALL people...all colors, all races, all ethinic groups, etc. i believe that jesus died to open the way for ALL people to be reconciled to god. with that being said, i believe that god is glorified through all the cultural distinctives that are expressed through the various groups of people throughout the world. africans worship differently from chinese...and that's fine. the direction of the worship is more important that source.
i have a scholarly approach to my opinion as well. this semester i had to write an exegetical paper on colossians 2:11-22. to sum up a long story, the author of this book (yeah, a majority of scholars don't think it was paul #sorry) believed that christ's death took away the division that separated jews and gentiles. These two distinct people groups, that were separated by the requirements of the law, were now (in Christ), merged together to create a new people group. this new "race" so to speak all have a common father...GOD...who is also the Emperor of the Universe. in the context of their unity they experience fellowship with their father.
i have trouble accepting a christian theology that excludes others, especially since most of the people that have that train of thought would be of the excluded group before christ (gentiles). i'm all for maintaining and celebrating ethnicity, but not to the exclusion of others. jesus paid the price for EVERY one to sit at the table. i am very much an african american male....the ancestor of slaves and abused native americans...and my people consistently suffer today because of racial and systematic injustice. i believe that god can and will deal with these situations, and i will be a part of it.
i won't allow human error in the area of race to dictate my worship. i won't turn my race into an idol to compensate for the fact that others hated it and still seek to oppress it. my simple and childlike (and perhaps childish, but i'll let you decide) idea is this: god is the father of lights...and light includes all the colors that we argue over so much. so why worship one color when god is the sum of them all?
i think i'll blog about this over the course of the week. there are some more points i want to hit.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Realization of the Cool Christian Clique
i stand at the door and knock
lookin at my watch
waitin for the time that i'll be part of the cool christian clique
to come up
i'm in the cool christ crowd now
everybody's gonna love me now
i'm not gonna ever feel down now
i got too many loved ones around
.....
that's the story they told me
the story they sold me
i bought it cuz i was desperate
too desperate to see the reality
that God himself was pointing to
that sometimes its just gonna keep raining
i know that april showers bring may flowers
but right now my basement's effed up
i thought that justice would flow like rivers
but i see instead that it's stopped up
clogged with the sewage of our hearts
we don't even want to start clearing it out
wanna be in the christian in-crowd
but i realized while standing in the rain
that they are really just loud
their service is a serve-us
god is a bellhop
only worthy enough to bring me my stuff
then i'll tip him with a praise on sunday morning
christianity is cool to them
fills their weekends with fun activities
all the while they are ignoring their proclivities
to sin
and naw, iont mean the easy stuff.
the sex, the lying, drunks
(even though they do that too)
i mean the biting behind the back they do
the snobbiness cuz you don't look like their crew
classism, sexism, chauvinism...all that too
treating sinners in ways that christ would never do
did christ do that to you?
they think they're better b/c they aren't poor or gay
pride has gotten in their way
especially when stuff about them is obvious
so instead of knocking on your door
i turn around
bump you clowns!
i spit in the face of your pseudo-christian norms
it's only to christ's way that i'll conform
but then instead of turning away
Christ leads me to pray
can't cast anyone away
christ didn't have a cool christian clique either
lookin at my watch
waitin for the time that i'll be part of the cool christian clique
to come up
i'm in the cool christ crowd now
everybody's gonna love me now
i'm not gonna ever feel down now
i got too many loved ones around
.....
that's the story they told me
the story they sold me
i bought it cuz i was desperate
too desperate to see the reality
that God himself was pointing to
that sometimes its just gonna keep raining
i know that april showers bring may flowers
but right now my basement's effed up
i thought that justice would flow like rivers
but i see instead that it's stopped up
clogged with the sewage of our hearts
we don't even want to start clearing it out
wanna be in the christian in-crowd
but i realized while standing in the rain
that they are really just loud
their service is a serve-us
god is a bellhop
only worthy enough to bring me my stuff
then i'll tip him with a praise on sunday morning
christianity is cool to them
fills their weekends with fun activities
all the while they are ignoring their proclivities
to sin
and naw, iont mean the easy stuff.
the sex, the lying, drunks
(even though they do that too)
i mean the biting behind the back they do
the snobbiness cuz you don't look like their crew
classism, sexism, chauvinism...all that too
treating sinners in ways that christ would never do
did christ do that to you?
they think they're better b/c they aren't poor or gay
pride has gotten in their way
especially when stuff about them is obvious
so instead of knocking on your door
i turn around
bump you clowns!
i spit in the face of your pseudo-christian norms
it's only to christ's way that i'll conform
but then instead of turning away
Christ leads me to pray
can't cast anyone away
i guess the rain was god's way of washing my eyes
clear eyes realize why the lives of those around us
are the way they are
christ didn't have a cool christian clique either
Friday, April 2, 2010
Just like you...But living like Him
all of the parts of me
the parts you don't see
or, should i say, the parts you ignore
i'm a lot like you in so many ways
don't mistake my spirituality for a lack of humanity
in reality being in touch with Him make me more me
i feel, i long, i yearn, i crave
the thrill of success
the rush of a challenge
the tenderness of a kiss
the warmth of an embrace
memories of times and events
issues now stemming from situations past since
hungers from deep inside
not bad, but they can definitely pull a brother aside
all are things that have passed through my life
leaving a residue on my psyche
you would think that it would be plain to the eye to see
yet you refuse to see
that i'm just an ordinary person...
...except i DO know which way to go
straight to God, i don't want to simply
want to be ruled by my passions
but i want my life to an example of what
His passion can produce
a man standing strong in truth
utterly human yet exuding the divine
look into my eyes and see His heart
intertwined with my Father
my life groovin' to heaven's rhymes
but i'm really just like you
and i'm doing what you can do
i'm human just like you
but i'm being a human just like Him
the parts you don't see
or, should i say, the parts you ignore
i'm a lot like you in so many ways
don't mistake my spirituality for a lack of humanity
in reality being in touch with Him make me more me
i feel, i long, i yearn, i crave
the thrill of success
the rush of a challenge
the tenderness of a kiss
the warmth of an embrace
memories of times and events
issues now stemming from situations past since
hungers from deep inside
not bad, but they can definitely pull a brother aside
all are things that have passed through my life
leaving a residue on my psyche
you would think that it would be plain to the eye to see
yet you refuse to see
that i'm just an ordinary person...
...except i DO know which way to go
straight to God, i don't want to simply
want to be ruled by my passions
but i want my life to an example of what
His passion can produce
a man standing strong in truth
utterly human yet exuding the divine
look into my eyes and see His heart
intertwined with my Father
my life groovin' to heaven's rhymes
but i'm really just like you
and i'm doing what you can do
i'm human just like you
but i'm being a human just like Him
Thursday, March 25, 2010
hitting the wall
it appears that my legendary temper has made an appearance.
not many folks know, but i use to have a bit of an angry issue. my blood could boil RED HOT...it took me a while, but if pushed too far i could be a bit of a problem. as i got older i learned to deal with my emotions better. i'm still learning. i have some intense emotions, which is something else that i'm not sure is obvious about me or not.
anyways, i played my first match of the season. in a tremendous amount of wind. i HATE playing in the wind. however, i don't use it as an excuse, because it's windy for both people. i lost the match, which made me a little annoyed. i always get annoyed when i lose. but that isn't what caused me to get mad.
i came home...and instantly i just got mad. mad at the situation. mad at the conditions. mad that i felt trapped. i just became so enraged that i balled up my fist and....
boom
hit the wall.
thankfully, i reigned myself in just enough to not put a hole through the wall. i very easily could have, since i used to hit solid objects for hours (see: martial arts). but i still hit it hard enough to get a response. i even jumped back. it was like hitting the wall made me realize what was going on. maybe me hitting the wall physically opened up a door for me to see what was going on inside of me. i'm unhappy. i don't really like my situation at the moment. it bothers me.
and before anyone starts, you can miss me ((c) darius c.) with the "just be thankful" sermon. i know that. i am thankful. it's been much worse than this. but one thing i've learned is that god isn't afraid of our emotions. he already knows how we feel. we just feel like we have to hurry up and pretend to feel the most holy emotion so that god won't think we're ungrateful, or prideful, or whatever emotion that isn't concerned godly.
truth is, he already knew before you did. god knew you were prideful, that you had a roaming eye, that you have a foul mouth. and you're still alive. you still were brought to where you were standing by god almighty. he brought you along for the ride...knowing you had issues! maybe god's not pleased with your issues, but maybe he's not in such a rush for you to get over it.
maybe god gives us more time than we think to deal with ourselves and our emotions.
god didn't rush jesus out of the garden of gethsemane. think about that.
okay, mini sermon over. i'm just gonna deal with my stuff and move forward.
not many folks know, but i use to have a bit of an angry issue. my blood could boil RED HOT...it took me a while, but if pushed too far i could be a bit of a problem. as i got older i learned to deal with my emotions better. i'm still learning. i have some intense emotions, which is something else that i'm not sure is obvious about me or not.
anyways, i played my first match of the season. in a tremendous amount of wind. i HATE playing in the wind. however, i don't use it as an excuse, because it's windy for both people. i lost the match, which made me a little annoyed. i always get annoyed when i lose. but that isn't what caused me to get mad.
i came home...and instantly i just got mad. mad at the situation. mad at the conditions. mad that i felt trapped. i just became so enraged that i balled up my fist and....
boom
hit the wall.
thankfully, i reigned myself in just enough to not put a hole through the wall. i very easily could have, since i used to hit solid objects for hours (see: martial arts). but i still hit it hard enough to get a response. i even jumped back. it was like hitting the wall made me realize what was going on. maybe me hitting the wall physically opened up a door for me to see what was going on inside of me. i'm unhappy. i don't really like my situation at the moment. it bothers me.
and before anyone starts, you can miss me ((c) darius c.) with the "just be thankful" sermon. i know that. i am thankful. it's been much worse than this. but one thing i've learned is that god isn't afraid of our emotions. he already knows how we feel. we just feel like we have to hurry up and pretend to feel the most holy emotion so that god won't think we're ungrateful, or prideful, or whatever emotion that isn't concerned godly.
truth is, he already knew before you did. god knew you were prideful, that you had a roaming eye, that you have a foul mouth. and you're still alive. you still were brought to where you were standing by god almighty. he brought you along for the ride...knowing you had issues! maybe god's not pleased with your issues, but maybe he's not in such a rush for you to get over it.
maybe god gives us more time than we think to deal with ourselves and our emotions.
god didn't rush jesus out of the garden of gethsemane. think about that.
okay, mini sermon over. i'm just gonna deal with my stuff and move forward.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
lost in translation....jehovah
today, we learned about the name jehovah in class. it was enlightening to say the least. i already knew that the word "jehovah" wasn't really a correct term...but with what i learned today it just blows it out of the water.
okay..lesson time! mind you, this is real watered down so that folks can understand, so if you knew this already don't yell at me! back in the day ancient israelites didn't say the name of god. it was seen as sacred. however, written down it would look like YHWH (we would say Yahweh...but they would NEVER say it). the big name for this is the tetragrammaton. so, instead of saying the sacred name of god, they instead would say adonai, or lord. this is why the word LORD is written in small all caps in your bibles in the old testament.
the thing is, if someone is reading the scripture, someone might read that sacred name of god out loud by accident instead of saying adonai. so, the jews devised a system where they took the vowels from the word adonai and put them around the tetragrammaton so that the reader would realize "AH HA! i'm suppose to say ADONAI and not the super sacred name of god!" (now, the whole vowel thing might not make sense to you if you don't understand hebrew, but i'll have an example later on to demonstrate)
however....when christians came on the scene that didn't understand that, they tried to translate the word YHWH with the extra vowels placed in it. and what did they get when they did that? JEHOVAH. the word that the israelites used wasn't a word that was meant to be said, so they would've never said it. not only would they have never said the tetragrammaton, the point of the special code was alert the reader to the fact that "hey, you see this word? don't say it. say this OTHER word instead." sounding out the "code word" was never the point, so a jew would've never said "jehovah."
so, here's a example. let's say that the word "run" is a special word to us. it's sacred. no one says it. so, instead we decide that we're going to use the word "jog" in its place. to make sure that no one says the word, we make up a special code that goes like this: we put the "o" of the word "jog" after the "n" in "run." it'll look like this: "runo." when you see that, you'll remember that you have to say jog instead of run. we all get it. everything's great.
then someone comes along and tries to translate our code. but they don't understand it. they just see the word "runo." so, they figure that the word "runo" is our special word, because they never understood that "runo" was never meant to be a word by itself...but a way for a reader to understand that they need to say something else because our sacred word "run."
i hope that all made sense.
does that mean we should stop saying the word jehovah? eh, i wouldn't go that far. god knows we're talking about him. but if anyone knows me, i like to be as precise as possible if something is important to me. you more than likely won't hear it from me again unless its in a song that i have to sing.
i just think that learning stuff like this is cool because i like learning about my faith and where it came from. we really should know more than we do.
okay..lesson time! mind you, this is real watered down so that folks can understand, so if you knew this already don't yell at me! back in the day ancient israelites didn't say the name of god. it was seen as sacred. however, written down it would look like YHWH (we would say Yahweh...but they would NEVER say it). the big name for this is the tetragrammaton. so, instead of saying the sacred name of god, they instead would say adonai, or lord. this is why the word LORD is written in small all caps in your bibles in the old testament.
the thing is, if someone is reading the scripture, someone might read that sacred name of god out loud by accident instead of saying adonai. so, the jews devised a system where they took the vowels from the word adonai and put them around the tetragrammaton so that the reader would realize "AH HA! i'm suppose to say ADONAI and not the super sacred name of god!" (now, the whole vowel thing might not make sense to you if you don't understand hebrew, but i'll have an example later on to demonstrate)
however....when christians came on the scene that didn't understand that, they tried to translate the word YHWH with the extra vowels placed in it. and what did they get when they did that? JEHOVAH. the word that the israelites used wasn't a word that was meant to be said, so they would've never said it. not only would they have never said the tetragrammaton, the point of the special code was alert the reader to the fact that "hey, you see this word? don't say it. say this OTHER word instead." sounding out the "code word" was never the point, so a jew would've never said "jehovah."
so, here's a example. let's say that the word "run" is a special word to us. it's sacred. no one says it. so, instead we decide that we're going to use the word "jog" in its place. to make sure that no one says the word, we make up a special code that goes like this: we put the "o" of the word "jog" after the "n" in "run." it'll look like this: "runo." when you see that, you'll remember that you have to say jog instead of run. we all get it. everything's great.
then someone comes along and tries to translate our code. but they don't understand it. they just see the word "runo." so, they figure that the word "runo" is our special word, because they never understood that "runo" was never meant to be a word by itself...but a way for a reader to understand that they need to say something else because our sacred word "run."
i hope that all made sense.
does that mean we should stop saying the word jehovah? eh, i wouldn't go that far. god knows we're talking about him. but if anyone knows me, i like to be as precise as possible if something is important to me. you more than likely won't hear it from me again unless its in a song that i have to sing.
i just think that learning stuff like this is cool because i like learning about my faith and where it came from. we really should know more than we do.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
no...an important word.
i'm finding it easier to say no.
i think it's out of necessity. as what i want for my life becomes more clear, i find that i just have to say no to some things. i have to say no to expectations that i can't meet. no to opinions that don't matter. i even find that i have to say no to myself sometimes.
no is an important word when you are navigating your path in life. it's a challenging word. we don't like it when someone says it to us, or when we have to say it to someone else. however, no is the thing that clears the way for the yes.
no is the gatekeeper...it protects from costly investments that will pull you off course and make you ill prepared for the future.
if you want to progress in particular areas of you life, learn to say no.
i think it's out of necessity. as what i want for my life becomes more clear, i find that i just have to say no to some things. i have to say no to expectations that i can't meet. no to opinions that don't matter. i even find that i have to say no to myself sometimes.
no is an important word when you are navigating your path in life. it's a challenging word. we don't like it when someone says it to us, or when we have to say it to someone else. however, no is the thing that clears the way for the yes.
no is the gatekeeper...it protects from costly investments that will pull you off course and make you ill prepared for the future.
if you want to progress in particular areas of you life, learn to say no.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I agree with Gandhi
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.~Mahatma Gandhi
i totally understand where he was coming from. i hope my life is different.
i hope my christianity isn't just a self-serving placebo that will hold me over til i die. i want my christianity to matter...
people responded to jesus because he mattered. his life pointed towards something bigger than himself...what God was doing in the earth and what god was willing to do in an individual's life.
what does your life point to?
i totally understand where he was coming from. i hope my life is different.
i hope my christianity isn't just a self-serving placebo that will hold me over til i die. i want my christianity to matter...
people responded to jesus because he mattered. his life pointed towards something bigger than himself...what God was doing in the earth and what god was willing to do in an individual's life.
what does your life point to?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
the seminary simmer
angry seminary students. i see it all the time. i call it the seminary simmer.
angry at the church. angry at their father that was always at the church house but never at home. angry because they've suffered "church hurts" from people in the pews. angry because they learned something in school that they never heard and church, and now they feel lied to.
these are all legitimate reasons. but i thought that i was exempt from the seminary simmer. i didn't grow up in church, so i didn't have tons of indoctrination to overcome. i didn't have the preacher's kid syndrome. i have been treated badly by the saints of the most high at times, but i don't hold it against jesus or the church at all. i thought that i wouldn't have to deal with the seminary simmer.
but as i reflect on what i'm learning...i find myself getting a little annoyed.
it bothers me that people don't even consider theology as important anymore, that in the same breath we can look at an earthquake as god's judgment of evil but still say that god wants to save them? kinda hard to get them if the ground is swallowing them up!
it bothers me that "seminary trained" pastors will not agree with the doctrine of tithing, but preach it anyway because the lights have to stay on!
it bothers me that folks think they can teach about the end times but haven't read past chapter one of revelation! or all you've read is the left behind series!
it bothers me that we put so much effort into talking about how men need not be sissies or "act gay," but the men's ministries are powerless and unappealing!
it REALLY bothers me that we see our lack of results as a good thing...a godly thing even. as if god is glorified by our inability to transform our neighborhoods.
i guess i have the seminary simmer after all.
the thing is, i don't pretend to know all the solutions. i'm not just shooting off at the mouth and pointing fingers because i can. that'll get us no where. but i guess that i'm happy i have the seminary simmer after all. it's showing me where my heart is.
i'm praying that i can be a agent for change. that will make the simmer worth something.
angry at the church. angry at their father that was always at the church house but never at home. angry because they've suffered "church hurts" from people in the pews. angry because they learned something in school that they never heard and church, and now they feel lied to.
these are all legitimate reasons. but i thought that i was exempt from the seminary simmer. i didn't grow up in church, so i didn't have tons of indoctrination to overcome. i didn't have the preacher's kid syndrome. i have been treated badly by the saints of the most high at times, but i don't hold it against jesus or the church at all. i thought that i wouldn't have to deal with the seminary simmer.
but as i reflect on what i'm learning...i find myself getting a little annoyed.
it bothers me that people don't even consider theology as important anymore, that in the same breath we can look at an earthquake as god's judgment of evil but still say that god wants to save them? kinda hard to get them if the ground is swallowing them up!
it bothers me that "seminary trained" pastors will not agree with the doctrine of tithing, but preach it anyway because the lights have to stay on!
it bothers me that folks think they can teach about the end times but haven't read past chapter one of revelation! or all you've read is the left behind series!
it bothers me that we put so much effort into talking about how men need not be sissies or "act gay," but the men's ministries are powerless and unappealing!
it REALLY bothers me that we see our lack of results as a good thing...a godly thing even. as if god is glorified by our inability to transform our neighborhoods.
i guess i have the seminary simmer after all.
the thing is, i don't pretend to know all the solutions. i'm not just shooting off at the mouth and pointing fingers because i can. that'll get us no where. but i guess that i'm happy i have the seminary simmer after all. it's showing me where my heart is.
i'm praying that i can be a agent for change. that will make the simmer worth something.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
So God...Here's My Marriage Prayer
dear god,
so...one day i would like to meet someone, fall in love, and get married. i want the house, the kids, the works. i really, really do.
however, and you know this, i'm not in a super rush. i mean, i don't want it to take forever, but it's not at the top of my prayer list. you know what i mean?
i'm really enjoying being by myself. i like my life. i'm discovering more about myself each and every day. i'm learning about my purpose and what i really want to do with my life. as much as i want to get married...i don't want to stop the process of realizing just how wonderfully made i am. i guess you're restoring the years in that area of my life, and i'm grateful for that.
sometimes the way other christians talk about marriage confuses me. sometimes it sounds like my reward for reaching a certain level of spirituality is a mate. that doesn't seem right to me. how can the reward for my success be another person?
on the other hand, the way some women talk is confusing as well. they talk as if jesus is their boyfriend. c'mon jesus...how can i compete against that? i think i've learned that some people use spirituality to cover up the relational hurts. it's easier to have a relationship with someone you can't see or touch than with someone that's right in front of you.
either way lord, you know my heart. i want to meet someone. i want to get married. but if i have to sacrifice Me...the Me that's been buried under so much hurt, pain, and fear...the Me that's just starting to see the light of day...then i don't think i want it after all.
so...one day i would like to meet someone, fall in love, and get married. i want the house, the kids, the works. i really, really do.
however, and you know this, i'm not in a super rush. i mean, i don't want it to take forever, but it's not at the top of my prayer list. you know what i mean?
i'm really enjoying being by myself. i like my life. i'm discovering more about myself each and every day. i'm learning about my purpose and what i really want to do with my life. as much as i want to get married...i don't want to stop the process of realizing just how wonderfully made i am. i guess you're restoring the years in that area of my life, and i'm grateful for that.
sometimes the way other christians talk about marriage confuses me. sometimes it sounds like my reward for reaching a certain level of spirituality is a mate. that doesn't seem right to me. how can the reward for my success be another person?
on the other hand, the way some women talk is confusing as well. they talk as if jesus is their boyfriend. c'mon jesus...how can i compete against that? i think i've learned that some people use spirituality to cover up the relational hurts. it's easier to have a relationship with someone you can't see or touch than with someone that's right in front of you.
either way lord, you know my heart. i want to meet someone. i want to get married. but if i have to sacrifice Me...the Me that's been buried under so much hurt, pain, and fear...the Me that's just starting to see the light of day...then i don't think i want it after all.
Monday, February 22, 2010
"Why hello, limits. I didn't see you sitting there."
today is day 7 of the insanity workout for me. it's been going well so far. and yes, it really is insane.
i thought they were being a little extra when folks were saying that they were winded just getting through the warm-up. how hard could that be, i thought to myself.
very hard, it seems.
i found myself gasping for breath for most of the 9 minute warm-up. you do about 7 moves for about 45 seconds each. then you do them all again...but faster. and if that wasn't enough...you do the the circuit a third time...even faster.
i was dripping sweat in such a way that someone might've thought that i got caught in the rain. i was pretty spent. then i looked at the countdown clock on the screen. 20:46 left to go. it really was just the warm-up.
i pushed on though. all week. falling. screaming. wondering why i was doing this. then, something amazing happened.
I got through the warm-up without stopping.
i was elated. i climbed a mountain! i was so proud of myself...until today.
the work-out almost destroyed me. i got through the warm-up but the rest of the dvd i struggled through. i had to press pause to collect what little of my self i could gather. i was thoroughly humbled. i had a front on collision with my limits...and they didn't give.
how rude! it's like they just stood there in my way, those blasted limits! didn't they see me coming? then i realized that my limits where there all the time. but, like a novice driver, i just ignored the realities and hit the gas. but then i thought of how often i don't keep my own limits in view. often, what i can do keeps me from what god will do in my life. i have so many options. so many choices. the sky is limit.
it's not. we all have limits...and i think once we realize that they are there, we won't crash into as often. we'll be able to pump our breaks before we wreck ourselves. but still approach those limits. don't be afraid of them. just allow god to take you pass them...or through them. the whole limits thing was his idea anyway.
i thought they were being a little extra when folks were saying that they were winded just getting through the warm-up. how hard could that be, i thought to myself.
very hard, it seems.
i found myself gasping for breath for most of the 9 minute warm-up. you do about 7 moves for about 45 seconds each. then you do them all again...but faster. and if that wasn't enough...you do the the circuit a third time...even faster.
i was dripping sweat in such a way that someone might've thought that i got caught in the rain. i was pretty spent. then i looked at the countdown clock on the screen. 20:46 left to go. it really was just the warm-up.
i pushed on though. all week. falling. screaming. wondering why i was doing this. then, something amazing happened.
I got through the warm-up without stopping.
i was elated. i climbed a mountain! i was so proud of myself...until today.
the work-out almost destroyed me. i got through the warm-up but the rest of the dvd i struggled through. i had to press pause to collect what little of my self i could gather. i was thoroughly humbled. i had a front on collision with my limits...and they didn't give.
how rude! it's like they just stood there in my way, those blasted limits! didn't they see me coming? then i realized that my limits where there all the time. but, like a novice driver, i just ignored the realities and hit the gas. but then i thought of how often i don't keep my own limits in view. often, what i can do keeps me from what god will do in my life. i have so many options. so many choices. the sky is limit.
it's not. we all have limits...and i think once we realize that they are there, we won't crash into as often. we'll be able to pump our breaks before we wreck ourselves. but still approach those limits. don't be afraid of them. just allow god to take you pass them...or through them. the whole limits thing was his idea anyway.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
dell+no rest= danger
throughout the self-discovery journey that i've embarked upon these past few months, i've learned some really cool things about myself. i've also learned some interesting (i.e. not so cool) things as well. i've learned more about what makes me tick, and that's what's really important.
one of the main things that keeps me going is SLEEP! i need to have a consistent amount of rest. if i don't, then i really get weak. physically weak. emotionally weak. spiritually weak. it's like all my defenses go down. as i reflect back on some bad or impulsive choices that i've made, i realized that a good number of them took place when i was tired.
i'm also much more suspectible to noise when i'm tired. keep in mind, i hear most things that are going on around me anyway. when i'm rested, i can tune a lot of stuff out. but when i'm not, all the stimuli is too much. bright sights, loud sounds...it's too much to handle. that, in turn, causes me to be irritable. and since i'm tired...the likelihood that i'll say something "colorful" increase exponentially.
i cussed out my fried rice today (like, literally cussed out) because it fell on my bed (yes, it fell. all by itself). that's when i realized that i should probably take a nap.
one of the main things that keeps me going is SLEEP! i need to have a consistent amount of rest. if i don't, then i really get weak. physically weak. emotionally weak. spiritually weak. it's like all my defenses go down. as i reflect back on some bad or impulsive choices that i've made, i realized that a good number of them took place when i was tired.
i'm also much more suspectible to noise when i'm tired. keep in mind, i hear most things that are going on around me anyway. when i'm rested, i can tune a lot of stuff out. but when i'm not, all the stimuli is too much. bright sights, loud sounds...it's too much to handle. that, in turn, causes me to be irritable. and since i'm tired...the likelihood that i'll say something "colorful" increase exponentially.
i cussed out my fried rice today (like, literally cussed out) because it fell on my bed (yes, it fell. all by itself). that's when i realized that i should probably take a nap.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
so many thoughts
i have so many thought rattling around in my head. about seminary. about god. about church life. about tennis. about the insanity workout that i started.
i need to write a book.
for now, i guess that i'll just blog a little bit more.
i need to write a book.
for now, i guess that i'll just blog a little bit more.
Friday, February 12, 2010
my checkpoints
today's lesson: the decisions you make in life may not please everyone. but your job ISN'T to please everyone. it's to first do what god wants. then be responsible to your obligations and/or things that need your direct attention. after that...have a ball!!
this is what i try to remind myself as i move forward. god is the first person that the filter goes through. are my decisions lined up with the word? is there something that god wants to add to my thinking? this step can (and usually does) involve asking folks that know me and can speak into my life.
once we pass that level, i tend to make sure that my actions aren't going to directly impact someone for the worst. just because i can do something, doesn't mean that it's the best thing to do. or the best time to do. or the best place. even if god said "go to africa," i can't just leave my job w/o two weeks notice, or preach all the time w/o talking to my family. if my house is in order, great. if not, how can i arrange myself so that i can make my move with the minimum amount of damage around me.
after that...i'm done. god has been consulted. wisdom has been sought and implemented from the correct folks. responsibilities handled. time to do what i've decided. whatever that is.
this is what i try to remind myself as i move forward. god is the first person that the filter goes through. are my decisions lined up with the word? is there something that god wants to add to my thinking? this step can (and usually does) involve asking folks that know me and can speak into my life.
once we pass that level, i tend to make sure that my actions aren't going to directly impact someone for the worst. just because i can do something, doesn't mean that it's the best thing to do. or the best time to do. or the best place. even if god said "go to africa," i can't just leave my job w/o two weeks notice, or preach all the time w/o talking to my family. if my house is in order, great. if not, how can i arrange myself so that i can make my move with the minimum amount of damage around me.
after that...i'm done. god has been consulted. wisdom has been sought and implemented from the correct folks. responsibilities handled. time to do what i've decided. whatever that is.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
two miles in the shoes of a man
"two miles? you'll walk two miles in the snow?" there was a healthy degree of an "are you crazy" tone in my voice.
my friend looked at me and smiled. "verdell...we're men. we get things done."
i smiled, but it wasn't from happiness. me smiling was an attempt to focus my energies elsewhere. i never liked those masculine concepts of strength and might, the ones that quietly imply that women are not those things. my friend wasn't being disrespectful or anything, but i'm always keen to notice stuff like that. sometimes i'm probably too sensitive to it.
i thought to myself, why does that bother me? why do phrases like that tick me off? i think there are a few reasons. reason number one: i was never one of the guys. growing up i didn't play organized sports. the time in the locker room before gym was usually hell for me. i was really different than most of the guys i went to school with in terms of temperament and experience. the fighting, the cursing, the sex talk...it was foreign to me. and clearly i was foreign to them as well. i never was in a position where "hyper masculinity" was encouraged or praised. i was pretty calm. happy.
reason number two: i've been blessed to be around some incredibly strong women. my mother is still and probably always will be the standard of a woman for me. she wasn't masculine, but she was strong. mentally and physically. honestly she is still stronger in character (and probably in strength) then a lot of men i know. my nanna, another strong woman. she would look you in the eye and tell you the truth. that isn't to mention my aunts and cousins. the idea of the "little woman" just didn't exist in my world.
reason number three: i never saw that image portrayed from my father. i can't remember my dad verbally teaching me a whole lot. but the older i get, the more i understand his example. my dad always encouraged me to be myself. he supported me in everything that i did. he wanted me to be myself. he offered to play basketball and football...i wanted books and drawing paper instead. he gave it to me, and encouraged me. when i wanted to do martial arts, he was my first teacher. my father isn't a macho type of guy. sarcastic (that's where i get it from), to the point, yes. but i don't ever remember him puffing himself up on the basis that he's "a man." if anything, there was a dignity that he had about himself. he respected himself and understood he abilities and obligations. he always treated my mother with respect and as an equal. those images shaped me.
i ultimately do think that there are some base things that make a man different from a woman. god himself was distinct in their creation. however, when i look at jesus, i see a masculinity that we probably would classify as "weak" if the lord's name weren't attached to it. jesus was in touch with his emotions. he freely expressed joy, anger, and sadness, with tears! in fact, his greatest miracles happened either after he cried or "was moved with compassion." he didn't beat his chest, but he got his strength from his heavenly father. but yet "men" shouldn't cry. i find it remarkable how our how our theology and understanding of christ are easily veiled when it comes to things we hold dear, especially if we've let them define us (that goes for me too).
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Personal Theology
today in class my professor said something that got my interest:
"i'm happy that we don't kill each other today over differences in theology, but maybe we've gone too far to the other extreme. it seems like we don't care about theology at all in our churches. i hope as educated, trained ministers that you do better."
that rang some bells in me. for the past few days i've realized how bad theology really gets on my nerves. bad theology handicaps people in terms of growth. i hate that too.
i think of theology as an explanation of how the whole god and man thing works. how does god deal with man? how does god respond to man? what should we expect from god? these are more are vital questions that we have to understand before we can say that our faith has any sort of coherent rhyme or reason. now, my understandings and vocabulary are very green....so i'm no expert on this. i guess this is a newfound interest of mine. but my heart is really burdened by it, so i guess i'll talk about it for a while.
now of course, one could say "all that matters is that jesus died for you and loves you." all the other stuff we argue and disagree about doesn't matter. if you turn to the bible to prove your point, which you probably will, you've already displayed how important methodical theology is to you. you just demonstrated that your theology places authority in the scripture contained in the 66 documents of the bible...that's how your whole god system works.
so often we place the idea of theology on the shelf. we "do" theology everyday. we live it. our actions are constantly detailing to the world around us how we think god works, who we think god is, and how god works in our lives. these actions are usually what people see before they hear our words. paul was correct when he said we are "living epistles."
as i reflect on myself and some common thoughts around me...i feel like my epistle needs an Editor!!! i believe we should all do theology. if at any point you discuss god with someone else...that is exactly what you are doing! i'm not saying that we all need to become seminarians (although having more wouldn't hurt), but at what point do we think about what we believe? is our believe pattern actually logical to us? clearly we can't hit every nail on the head, but are the basics clear? and after that, do our own viewpoints actually help or harm? Have you ever thought about what would happen if someone where to live your theology?
maybe i'll do a series or something. but i'll give some bullet points to clarify.
here's what happens in my head when i think about various statements.
"God is punishing haiti because of their forefather's sins."
"well...if haiti is suffering because of god's judgment, what's the point of sending money? wouldn't assisting people that have been condemned by god mean i'm going against his will? plus, jesus didn't seem to care about that. are thinking with old testament views? but i thought we lived in the new testament!" (note: i think mr. 700 club was dead wrong for saying that)
"i don't believe in praying for people to get well."
"well...if you don't believe in at least praying for sick people to be made well, then why go to a doctor? if i ask god to heal me and nothing happens, god must want me to be sick. going to the doctor is just getting in the way of his will, right?" (note: i'm definitely a believer that god heals today. he's healed me, i've seen him heal others, and i've been blessed to pray and see others healed as well)
i didn't use those examples to insult anyone's personal beliefs (well, maybe the first one). i just wanted to give a glimpse at what goes on in my head when i hear statements like that. what i've realized is that a lot of times our personal theologies are just for us. they are not lived with the intent of someone else seeing and emulating. could someone else copy off of you and still get to jesus? can your life direct someone to the Light? what does your life point to? tired, dry, and powerless rituals...or vibrant life in christ? that's what i'm thinking about for my life, because a big part of my theology is that people need to see that christ means enough and is that dope enough to revolve my life around.
"i'm happy that we don't kill each other today over differences in theology, but maybe we've gone too far to the other extreme. it seems like we don't care about theology at all in our churches. i hope as educated, trained ministers that you do better."
that rang some bells in me. for the past few days i've realized how bad theology really gets on my nerves. bad theology handicaps people in terms of growth. i hate that too.
i think of theology as an explanation of how the whole god and man thing works. how does god deal with man? how does god respond to man? what should we expect from god? these are more are vital questions that we have to understand before we can say that our faith has any sort of coherent rhyme or reason. now, my understandings and vocabulary are very green....so i'm no expert on this. i guess this is a newfound interest of mine. but my heart is really burdened by it, so i guess i'll talk about it for a while.
now of course, one could say "all that matters is that jesus died for you and loves you." all the other stuff we argue and disagree about doesn't matter. if you turn to the bible to prove your point, which you probably will, you've already displayed how important methodical theology is to you. you just demonstrated that your theology places authority in the scripture contained in the 66 documents of the bible...that's how your whole god system works.
so often we place the idea of theology on the shelf. we "do" theology everyday. we live it. our actions are constantly detailing to the world around us how we think god works, who we think god is, and how god works in our lives. these actions are usually what people see before they hear our words. paul was correct when he said we are "living epistles."
as i reflect on myself and some common thoughts around me...i feel like my epistle needs an Editor!!! i believe we should all do theology. if at any point you discuss god with someone else...that is exactly what you are doing! i'm not saying that we all need to become seminarians (although having more wouldn't hurt), but at what point do we think about what we believe? is our believe pattern actually logical to us? clearly we can't hit every nail on the head, but are the basics clear? and after that, do our own viewpoints actually help or harm? Have you ever thought about what would happen if someone where to live your theology?
maybe i'll do a series or something. but i'll give some bullet points to clarify.
here's what happens in my head when i think about various statements.
"God is punishing haiti because of their forefather's sins."
"well...if haiti is suffering because of god's judgment, what's the point of sending money? wouldn't assisting people that have been condemned by god mean i'm going against his will? plus, jesus didn't seem to care about that. are thinking with old testament views? but i thought we lived in the new testament!" (note: i think mr. 700 club was dead wrong for saying that)
"i don't believe in praying for people to get well."
"well...if you don't believe in at least praying for sick people to be made well, then why go to a doctor? if i ask god to heal me and nothing happens, god must want me to be sick. going to the doctor is just getting in the way of his will, right?" (note: i'm definitely a believer that god heals today. he's healed me, i've seen him heal others, and i've been blessed to pray and see others healed as well)
i didn't use those examples to insult anyone's personal beliefs (well, maybe the first one). i just wanted to give a glimpse at what goes on in my head when i hear statements like that. what i've realized is that a lot of times our personal theologies are just for us. they are not lived with the intent of someone else seeing and emulating. could someone else copy off of you and still get to jesus? can your life direct someone to the Light? what does your life point to? tired, dry, and powerless rituals...or vibrant life in christ? that's what i'm thinking about for my life, because a big part of my theology is that people need to see that christ means enough and is that dope enough to revolve my life around.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
6 down...84 to go
i've completed one week of p90x thus far. i must say that all in all i've enjoyed it. it's relaxing believe it or not. It's an hour away from the normal pace of the world. plus, i think that i meet god when i work out. it's something about pushing my body and letting go that allows me to connect to god that much more.
i think i'm adjusting well. i did a couple of the workouts from p90 to make sure i was ready for this program. while i have a ways to go before i'm at my best, i was happy to see that i was in solid physical condition to start (note: if you aren't already in some sort of decent shape DON'T EVEN TRY P90X you'll kill yourself!!! there's a fit test that comes with it. if you can pass the fit test, then give it a shot. but if you can't run around the block...just do p90).
as i'm typing this i'm a little sore and stiff. i did legs and back today (i had to switch days since the gym would be closed on monday). i didn't like this workout. i think it was my mood prior to working out that influenced that. i went to sleep late and i woke up early. plus, the gym didn't have that much room for me to move around in the first place.
i had to do pull ups again today. i don't mind them, but i have trouble with them. i have to use weight in order to get a good five in. it's hilarious actually, but this workout is actually repeating an old lesson to me: we all have limitations. no one is good at everything. some are good at a couple of things. some are good at a lot. no one is good at it all. you have to adjust and do what you can to do your best.
i also learned something about pride. in a couple of parts of the program you have to do kenpo. the kicks and strikes are all familiar from my tae kwon do days, however, i'm a long ways off from championship winning form. there were some moves that i couldn't do now that i could've done in my sleep ten years ago. it made me mad. my black belt is hanging in my closet and i can do some of these simple maneuvers. then i remembered, titles ultimately mean very little. it's what you produce that counts.
while i'm sore right now, i can say that i already feel a physical difference. more energy. my mind and body are a little more agile. i'm looking forward to the following 84 days.
i think i'm adjusting well. i did a couple of the workouts from p90 to make sure i was ready for this program. while i have a ways to go before i'm at my best, i was happy to see that i was in solid physical condition to start (note: if you aren't already in some sort of decent shape DON'T EVEN TRY P90X you'll kill yourself!!! there's a fit test that comes with it. if you can pass the fit test, then give it a shot. but if you can't run around the block...just do p90).
as i'm typing this i'm a little sore and stiff. i did legs and back today (i had to switch days since the gym would be closed on monday). i didn't like this workout. i think it was my mood prior to working out that influenced that. i went to sleep late and i woke up early. plus, the gym didn't have that much room for me to move around in the first place. i had to do pull ups again today. i don't mind them, but i have trouble with them. i have to use weight in order to get a good five in. it's hilarious actually, but this workout is actually repeating an old lesson to me: we all have limitations. no one is good at everything. some are good at a couple of things. some are good at a lot. no one is good at it all. you have to adjust and do what you can to do your best.
i also learned something about pride. in a couple of parts of the program you have to do kenpo. the kicks and strikes are all familiar from my tae kwon do days, however, i'm a long ways off from championship winning form. there were some moves that i couldn't do now that i could've done in my sleep ten years ago. it made me mad. my black belt is hanging in my closet and i can do some of these simple maneuvers. then i remembered, titles ultimately mean very little. it's what you produce that counts.
while i'm sore right now, i can say that i already feel a physical difference. more energy. my mind and body are a little more agile. i'm looking forward to the following 84 days.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
formspring.me
Like why did you join your fraternity?
i joined anq because it allowed me to be among a group of men that shared the faith i did. i always wanted to be involved in greek life, but i didn't want some of the other things that went along with it. in anq i can still be involved in greek life (especially stepping, which i love) in a context that promotes my faith in Christ.
formspring.me
What do you feel is the main issue confronting the Church in America today?
two things:
1.) lack of faith. we don't have a solid belief in the god that does the impossible. one reason for that is that as a country we are very well off. if i'm sick, god isn't my only option. i'm not saying that we shouldn't go to doctors, but the raw faith that allow jesus to do what he did isn't there in abundance.
2.) we've forgotten how to love like jesus loved. we go to one of two extremes: we offer people unsanctified grace by watering down the god's standards of living. on the other hand, we condemn everyone to hell and fail to show the kindness that leads to repentance. both approaches are wrong.
Multiple Plotlines
Haven't blogged in a while, so I have a number of things to lay out. Let's just consider this a primer to see what plot lines will be coursing through this semester:
Endurance
It's already the second day of classes for me and I'm tired. I have three part twos (intro to new testament 2, intro to old testament 2, history of christianity 2). I know that Howard's break was long for them...however, I really don't feel like I rested at all. A day after finals ended I got on a plane and went to Jersey. Spent ten days on a couch and went through various emotional ups and downs. They were good ups and downs...but a roller coaster is a roller coaster. Came back to DC, and I feel like I never caught my breath. That was probably my fault.
Still, I feel like at some point I might get worn out. As much as I love what I'm doing, it takes a lot to perform at the high level that I know I can. I'm definitely learning to take breaks so I can prevent a shut down.
P90X
I started the P90X program again. Last time I got to day 35 or so...I think. I stopped because the tennis season started up. But since it's winter time outside, this would be a great way to get in even better shape. I'm scheduled to be done with the program on April 11.
I have some physical goals for this year. I want to be able to run 2 miles by the end of the year. I want to weigh closer to 200 pounds. All of this is with a mind towards tennis. I want to do well and being physically fitter than most is what helped me. Besides, exercising is a good temporary pause for me. It allows me to step out of situations, take a break from the real world for a bit.
Friendships
I'm going to actively seek to connect with some new people. I think it would be good for me. With that being said, I feel like some of my current friendships are changing. At first, I was a little bothered by that. I'm not as bothered about that anymore, just a little. I feel like some of the closeness I have some with friends will disappear...simply because we aren't around each other as much. That doesn't jive too well with me because I like to stay connected via phone calls, emails, etc. To me (and I emphasize TO ME), real friendships survive distance. Out of sight but not out of mind. I know that everyone doesn't operate that way, so no hard feelings...but it still makes me a little sad.
On the other hand, an old friendship has resurfaced. It's kinda odd. The friendship never totally died, but it was buried under hurt feelings, disagreements, and all sorts of other issues. It all started with a random email that we both agreed was unnecessary. But in discussing the email, we really talked about the place that we had in each other's lives. More specifically, he told me the place I held in his. I was floored...I really had no idea. Our friendship had been a long series of intensity in various stages...a lot of it good. a lot of it bad. but time and distance seem to make an effect on things. It gives people perspective. we even talked about some of the old times and situations...were he made mistakes and were I made mistakes...about the seriousness of them and even found a way to laugh at them. we've both grown up a little bit.
Life is going to be interesting. As you can see by the multiple plotlines.
Endurance
It's already the second day of classes for me and I'm tired. I have three part twos (intro to new testament 2, intro to old testament 2, history of christianity 2). I know that Howard's break was long for them...however, I really don't feel like I rested at all. A day after finals ended I got on a plane and went to Jersey. Spent ten days on a couch and went through various emotional ups and downs. They were good ups and downs...but a roller coaster is a roller coaster. Came back to DC, and I feel like I never caught my breath. That was probably my fault.
Still, I feel like at some point I might get worn out. As much as I love what I'm doing, it takes a lot to perform at the high level that I know I can. I'm definitely learning to take breaks so I can prevent a shut down.
P90X
I started the P90X program again. Last time I got to day 35 or so...I think. I stopped because the tennis season started up. But since it's winter time outside, this would be a great way to get in even better shape. I'm scheduled to be done with the program on April 11.
I have some physical goals for this year. I want to be able to run 2 miles by the end of the year. I want to weigh closer to 200 pounds. All of this is with a mind towards tennis. I want to do well and being physically fitter than most is what helped me. Besides, exercising is a good temporary pause for me. It allows me to step out of situations, take a break from the real world for a bit.
Friendships
I'm going to actively seek to connect with some new people. I think it would be good for me. With that being said, I feel like some of my current friendships are changing. At first, I was a little bothered by that. I'm not as bothered about that anymore, just a little. I feel like some of the closeness I have some with friends will disappear...simply because we aren't around each other as much. That doesn't jive too well with me because I like to stay connected via phone calls, emails, etc. To me (and I emphasize TO ME), real friendships survive distance. Out of sight but not out of mind. I know that everyone doesn't operate that way, so no hard feelings...but it still makes me a little sad.
On the other hand, an old friendship has resurfaced. It's kinda odd. The friendship never totally died, but it was buried under hurt feelings, disagreements, and all sorts of other issues. It all started with a random email that we both agreed was unnecessary. But in discussing the email, we really talked about the place that we had in each other's lives. More specifically, he told me the place I held in his. I was floored...I really had no idea. Our friendship had been a long series of intensity in various stages...a lot of it good. a lot of it bad. but time and distance seem to make an effect on things. It gives people perspective. we even talked about some of the old times and situations...were he made mistakes and were I made mistakes...about the seriousness of them and even found a way to laugh at them. we've both grown up a little bit.
Life is going to be interesting. As you can see by the multiple plotlines.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
simple exhortation to myself
instead of looking to what's next, i'll deal with what is NOW. if i steward my NOW correctly, it will effect what comes NEXT.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
formspring.me
Who's the most overrated athlete?
i must honestly say: tiger woods. no shade on his accomplishments, but athlete of the decade? fail. most everyone else on the list achieved their success in a sport that demands much more physical rigor and difficulty.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
going home again...
after being back in the dmv for a few days, i can finally say that i'm beginning to get adjusted again. but things are not the same as when i left. i think after i reconnected with my family, i just would rather be back there. i felt like this when i left jersey to come here. i was done with everything. i knew that my growth had completed in everything i was doing at that time. if i didn't leave, i wouldn't have grown. now, i've changed. things have changed. i miss my family. if i had my perfect way, and if things where conducive to my progress, i would return to nj.
the stipulations of my return to nj:
1. finish my degree. so clearly i'm not returning for a least two years
2. a job and my own place. i am NOT returning to 2nd avenue unless i'm moving into the house BY MYSELF! amen? AMEN!
those are the things that would make it okay for me to come back to the garden state. now, ministry-wise, i would honestly like to pastor in jersey. ultimately, the goals and vision that i have for ministry are being done here already. i hate ministry overlaps. i can't see starting what i want to do here. i would just join the places that are doing it here already. but i feel a leading to be a leader in this regard. so, i'm praying about it. to my knowledge, there isn't anything that looks like what i want to do in jersey. so let's see what happens.
honestly, i would just like to be in a position where i could foster closer relationships with my family. sometimes it's hard to do that over the phone. you must be there. is it possible that the clock is counting down on my time in the dmv??? only time will tell. but from the blog you can already tell what my opinion is...
the stipulations of my return to nj:
1. finish my degree. so clearly i'm not returning for a least two years
2. a job and my own place. i am NOT returning to 2nd avenue unless i'm moving into the house BY MYSELF! amen? AMEN!
those are the things that would make it okay for me to come back to the garden state. now, ministry-wise, i would honestly like to pastor in jersey. ultimately, the goals and vision that i have for ministry are being done here already. i hate ministry overlaps. i can't see starting what i want to do here. i would just join the places that are doing it here already. but i feel a leading to be a leader in this regard. so, i'm praying about it. to my knowledge, there isn't anything that looks like what i want to do in jersey. so let's see what happens.
honestly, i would just like to be in a position where i could foster closer relationships with my family. sometimes it's hard to do that over the phone. you must be there. is it possible that the clock is counting down on my time in the dmv??? only time will tell. but from the blog you can already tell what my opinion is...
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