hitting the wall

it appears that my legendary temper has made an appearance.

not many folks know, but i use to have a bit of an angry issue.  my blood could boil RED HOT...it took me a while, but if pushed too far i could be a bit of a problem.  as i got older i learned to deal with my emotions better.  i'm still learning.  i have some intense emotions, which is something else that i'm not sure is obvious about me or not.

anyways, i played my first match of the season.  in a tremendous amount of wind.  i HATE playing in the wind.  however, i don't use it as an excuse, because it's windy for both people.  i lost the match, which made me a little annoyed.  i always get annoyed when i lose.  but that isn't what caused me to get mad.

i came home...and instantly i just got mad. mad at the situation.  mad at the conditions. mad that i felt trapped. i just became so enraged that i balled up my fist and....

boom

hit the wall.

thankfully, i reigned myself in just enough to not put a hole through the wall.  i very easily could have, since i used to hit solid objects for hours (see: martial arts).  but i still hit it hard enough to get a response. i even jumped back.  it was like hitting the wall made me realize what was going on.  maybe me hitting the wall physically opened up a door for me to see what was going on inside of me.  i'm unhappy.  i don't really like my situation at the moment.  it bothers me.

and before anyone starts, you can miss me ((c) darius c.) with the "just be thankful" sermon.  i know that.  i am thankful.  it's been much worse than this.  but one thing i've learned is that god isn't afraid of our emotions.  he already knows how we feel.  we just feel like we have to hurry up and pretend to feel the most holy emotion so that god won't think we're ungrateful, or prideful, or whatever emotion that isn't concerned godly.

truth is, he already knew before you did. god knew you were prideful, that you had a roaming eye, that you have a foul mouth.  and you're still alive.  you still were brought to where you were standing by god almighty.  he brought you along for the ride...knowing you had issues!  maybe god's not pleased with your issues, but maybe he's not in such a rush for you to get over it.

maybe god gives us more time than we think to deal with ourselves and our emotions.

god didn't rush jesus out of the garden of gethsemane.  think about that.



okay, mini sermon over.  i'm just gonna deal with my stuff and move forward.