Pass Me Not...

had another one of those pivotal convos with a very close friend today. we were sharing some things that were on our hearts. when i discussed my issues, he said he would think about what i said and then get back to me.

i told him that i feel like i'm consistently passed by as a person. i mean, i know people love me. but i feel like i'm never considered for much...i'm just "verdell." oh, that verdell, he'll have a word from god, and definition for the word you don't know, and even a good joke. but that's it. i told him that i routinely feel passed up by women, and that i feel guys don't respect me at all. "is there something i need to fix? am i doing something wrong?" i asked. "i really want to know...i just need some answers."

after thinking for a while, he called me back with some answers. "let me say this," he said. "i don't think you really need to change yourself. i think you are fine how you are. however, i do think there are some things that work against you."

"work against me?" i asked. "i'm confused."

my friend reassured me. "i'll explain. i don't think these things are bad things, but it will make it more challenging for you out here to attract attention. the first is that you are a black christian male. like, you really want to live for god. however, the stereotype of christian men, especially black christian men, is that they are punks, weak, and gay."

he continued. "Next, you're a nice guy. i know you have some jersey tendencies that pop out, but a person won't see them unless they really spend time with you. you don't fit the stereotypical model of a man in that way, you know, tough, rugged, super masculine all the time. people could perceive that as gay, too. actually, when i met you i thought that was a possibility. you demeanor fits the mold."

that made my heart sink a little. but i continued to listen.

"i know that isn't the case now, as i got to know you. but i feel like that'll make a lot of women in our circles ignore you and a lot of men have a slightly negative opinion about you. they might not esteem you as 'a man.' they'll assume that you're weak, and not really give you your due. i think it's a good thing though, that you don't play 'my penis is bigger than yours' like other guys do. it shows that you're confident."

"lastly, you have unique tastes. you like to read, you play tennis, you play video games, and you read comic books. you don't fit the image of a stereotypical dude that way. and you blog! and you have a very childlike heart. again, not your stereotypical dude."

"Dag," i said. "everything you said about me is true. there's nothing on that list that i can change without becoming a totally different person. i like all that stuff about me."

"i do, too!" my friend responded. "i like the fact that you like tennis, that you get excited about video games, and that you really try to be nice to people. that makes you...you! however, those are things run counter to what society expects a men, especially a black man, to be.

we talked for a while longer. i don't know if it was obvious through the phone conversation, but a tear streamed down my face. i was sad because everything my friend said about me was true: it was authentically me. i didn't want to change; i like myself. however, who i am isn't "normal."it was a tension that i've dealt with for over 20 years. i was feeling the pinch from it very strong the past few months.

there was no option. i was going to continue being me. i hung up the phone with my friend and cried some more. i didn't want to, but i figured if i just cried i would see some clarity afterwards. i was right. i realized that if the the disrespect, the overlooking, and the labels that get thrown my way is a price for being authentic, then i'll suffer. i honestly sat back and said that this is authentically me. for real. no filler. my character can always get better, and it will. but my personally is this.

take me as i am...that's what i'm doing.