Judas the Balloon

what do you see in the picture below?

you probably said, "those are balloons." YES, but if you were looking with spiritual eyes you would've called them by their real name: legion, for we are many.

i hate everything about balloons. they just float there, all bright and cheerful looking. but the reality is that it's all a farce! they are really stretchy plastic containers of destruction and death! they are evil things, and should not be allowed around anyone.

why do i feel this way? well, about 21 years ago i thought i could trust a balloon. i got one of the stretchy death balls from wendy's. it seemed like a perfect afternoon with my nanna and my mom: chicken nuggets, french fries, a toy, AND a balloon? you don't get any better than that.

unfortunately, it gets worse. we went to the grocery store after lunch. as we were walking around, the balloon JUMPED out of my hand and floated 20 feet up to the top. i wish i was smart enough to understand that the balloon did me a favor, but my 6 year old brain went into shock. see, in the 20 minute car ride it took to get from wendy's to the supermarket i managed to bond with the balloon. we were BEST FRIENDS. if the acronym BFF existed back then i so would've used it for me and the balloon. actually, i'm sure that our relationship inspired the acronym BFF. the first ever documented bromance: me and my balloon. we would grow old together. and when it was time to die, i would just hold on to his magical streamer string thing and float into the sunset. i just knew it. so when i saw my best friend float to the top of the ceiling, i just knew that i had to pull out the stops to rescue him!

and me pulling out the stops meant crying as loud as i could in the middle of the store. it was one of those loud cries when you throw your head back like a character from charlie brown and just let it rip. one of the nice men in the store saw what happened. he got a ladder, braved the heights over the deli counter, and managed to get my other half down to safety.

i was again made whole! i had my friend back and all was right with the world. my nanna and i finished shopping, and then we got back in the car with my mother.

this is when it happened. the worst betrayal ever.

so, riding in the car, my mom commented that the balloon was blocking her vision. she asked me to hold it down. so, i held the balloon close to my chest. next to my heart. where all good friends belong. as we were driving along, my mom drove over a pothole and the balloon went...

AND IT HAPPENED RIGHT ON MY CHEST! i'm sure the force from the blast almost cracked my ribs! i couldn't breathe! and it huuuuuurt! i'm sure that this was a trap from satan because i had super powers as a 6 year old. only an evil super scientist could create a weapon that could harm me. i'm  certain that it was laced with kiddie kryptonite as well.

my best friend exploded on my chest and tried to kill me! played me for a fool!

that judas. i supped with him, and then he blew up on my chest.

since that day, i've made it my business to warn the world of the dangers of balloons. they are sneaky demons. they should all be destroyed, before they destroy you and your dignity life.