I am Gohan

i am gohan.

for those of you who don't know, gohan is the son of goku, the main character of the famous anime dragonball z. goku is a great warrior, who has saved the world many times.

as for gohan, he showed an enormous potential since he was a little boy. he always hung on through the battles the older, more seasoned fighters were involved in. he would have dramatic displays of power, power that was beyond everyone else. but he could never control it. the flashes were gone as soon as they appeared. he often thought that he was just a little wimpy kid, without the grit that the other fighters had.

the video below takes place during the cell saga. at this point, there is yet another super powered monster that all of the warriors have to train in order to beat. it's at this point that goku decided to train gohan with the intention of making him the strongest of them all. goku knew that gohan would be the only one that could stop cell, and that was because of the potential that gohan possessed.

this video is from the end of the cell saga. it involves a conversation with gohan and his dad that starts around 2:30 that is vital to our conversation here.

i think the conversation that goku has with his son is indicative of me, unfortunately. gohan has this knack for emphasizing his failures. but he doesn't see how he had been playing up in a higher division since he started fighting. has he been perfect? absolutely not. but the positive far outweighs the negative. he has this idea that something is wrong with him. that somehow he just can't cut it. that he's not really cut out for the big stuff because he's small and weak. that the awesome abilities at his fingertips are somehow not enough.

gohan thinks he just is incapable, despite the fact that he just ascended to a place of martial artistry that the other fighters couldn't even touch at that time.

gohan just thinks that he's pointless. and irrelevant. and easily done away with.

metaphorically, those wounds are the wounds of life that make it difficult to stand at times. it's only the voices of my father, and my Father, and my loved ones that seem to keep me afloat at times. and their voices seem like whispers because of the noise around me. i wish they were louder.

at times it seems like life is just a bit stronger than you. like it just had a board meeting and decided that it's going to attack you today. and it really sucks when all of the wounds of inadequacy, fear, and hopelessness are raw and fresh.

but somehow, tomorrow happens. and then the next day. and then the next. we survive. gohan survives. i survive.

i survive, but i don't think i'm thriving. and that becomes too big a price to pay.

my prayer is that one day the right voices are the loudest ones to me.