The Aftermath

i first heard this song in arizona. i didn't really think anything of it. at that point i was just trying to be respectful and not interrupt someone's prayer time.

but the song took on another meaning for me when i left. i sat in the chair to wait for my flight to take me back to baltimore. however, my spirit was totally shattered. what i was feeling was the culmination of 9 months or so of dull, nagging numbness. loneliness. perhaps even low grade depression. at some point i got use to it, so dragging through all of my days didn't bother me as much. going away for a week was a much needed jolt, but it only served to expose how unhappy i was in my current situation. the dull, nagging numbness turned into a sharp, piercing pain. the best way to explain it is that my spirit had cracked, shattered under the weight of knowing that i'll be thrown into darkness again. i honestly hated my current state back home. it didn't feel like home. it felt like hell. while there were no flames the intensity of the loneliness and lack of self worth i felt burned away all the confidence that i had.

i'm sure i was a pitiful sight walking through the airport. it isn't everyday that you see a 5'10 black dude walking through the airport fighting back tears. i wished that i could be stuck in a time warp. that the world could stop and we could just play pretend. that i didn't have to go back to my "real" life. in this pretend life, this vacation, i was loved, needed, and engaged in vital relationships, and was known. back at hell home, i didn't feel that way at all.

my flight back home was a combination of tears and sleep. i got back to my apartment around 8am and slept until about noon. when i got up, the reality of my situation hit me again.

and i just couldn't deal with it. so, i checked out.

i understand why people turn to sex, drugs, and alcohol when times get tough. they need an escape. a rush. they don't really think that those things could change the situation, but it DOES provide a temporary rush that supersedes your current reality. for a few minutes, the pain, the doubt, the fear isn't as bad. the fears and hurts don't scream as loud. yes, it's ultimately futile. but if you can only see in the short term, you would do anything you can to get a release. the pain is bad enough that the escape can be looked at as a break from the pressure. like an inmate being allowed to go out on the town for a day.

to be honest the only thing that prevented me from being drunk under a table for the rest of the week is that i had to drive. and the depression made me not want to move further than my room when i was home. for once, my tendency to isolate myself worked in my favor. i would've welcomed the buzz. JUST KNOCK ME OUT TIL IT'S OVER.

except i knew, and i think deep down everyone that has a crutch knows, that it wouldn't go away. my dependence on outside buzzes really went from a way of relief to a sign of defeat. i didn't believe i could beat this. the loneliness and distance i felt was my last, great enemy. my doomsday, so to speak. the one that would get my number. my breakdown was me realizing that i could not win this fight, and my habits were like me waving a white flag. "you win, you'll always win. just give me a break every now and then. thanks."

that monday was pure hell. honestly one of the worst days i can remember, most certainly in the "top 10 list of worst days in dell's life." i'm sure that i was dehydrated from crying so much. i actually almost got into an accident because i was falling apart behind the wheel.

and guess what?

i have no happy ending to put here. no encouraging word. no scripture to post. not because those things aren't well-intentioned, but for two reasons:

1. the story is still in progress.
2. i don't like cute sayings.

give me something that will give me life. point me to LIFE. i knew all the scriptures that could perhaps help me in my situation, but clearly knowing them wasn't enough. i needed (and still need) something beyond sunday school rhetoric.

i needed pure, raw god. straight. no chaser. 100% proof. some little cute saying wasn't going to get me that. it wasn't cute little sayings that got me here in the first place.

so, what is my motivating factor? well, it goes back to that song at the beginning of the post. i believe that there will be something of worth that can be found in the aftermath of all of this. what is it exactly? i don't know. i have no well defined definitions. but i can say that yesterday i didn't think i would find anything, so this counts as an 100% improvement.

tomorrow is not promised, but if tomorrow gets here then i know god will be there too. that comforts me. and i'm curious to see what he'll do. that keeps me around.

that should be enough to keep you around, too.