Adult Management System

i did it AGAIN.

i washed all of my clothes and hung them up. not a small feat, let me tell you. how many young professionals do you know that can do that? even with a washer and dryer in their house?

well, i did it. and i did it again. britney spears.

however, there is one glitch that i still haven't figured out from the last time. see, when i perform this massive act of super hero proportions, i seem to lose all ability to perform any other adult/responsible actions for a period of time. for example, the first time i washed all my clothes it was at least 30 pounds of laundry. it took about two hours at the laundromat. after that, i wasn't able to produce feats of adulthood for several days.

dishes went unwashed.

alarm clocks weren't set.

i made a paper airplane out of my cell phone bill.

i figured out the amount of AMWs it took to perform that huge laundry feat. what are AMWs, you ask? Well, AMW stands for Adult Management Watts. it's the amount of energy necessary to complete the tasks that are important to adulthood. everyone has a certain amount; some more, some less. however, if this amount is drained totally then you have to wait until it loads back up to perform adult activities again.

i can expend about 40 AMWs before i'm all out. if i drain them all during one day, it takes three days to recharge them. so, i looked at the breakdown of all the effort it took to do the laundry that first time to see why i was so tired.

1. realizing that i needed to do laundry (1 AMW)
2.) realizing that the best thing to is to go to the laundromat and not use the machine downstairs (1 AMW)
3.) actually doing what i realized to be the correct thing to do and go to the laundromat (20 AMWs)
4.) packing clothes and loading car (5 AMWs)
5.) realizing that it's best to study for my mid term while waiting for clothes to wash (1 AMWs)
6.) actually doing what i realized to be the correct thing to do and take my study materials to the laundromat (15 AMWs)
7.) not spending money on mcdonald's while i'm waiting for clothes to be washed (12 AMWs)
8.) returning home and folding all the clothes on the spot (10 AMWs)

you see? i went over my limit. 65 AMWs. i taxed my AMS (adult management system). it's very dangerous to do that. the only way to coax it back up was with candy, cartoons, and a perceived lack of responsibility.

but seriously, i've realized that i need to downsize some things because i just can't keep up with it all. it's too much for me. i started creating systems so that i can manage myself and the things around me so that it doesn't fall into disrepair. it's better to do a little work somewhat often than do a whole lot of work at one time. it's so time consuming that way.

what is you AMW range? what do you do to stay on top of things in your life?

flagrant faggot foul: the kobe bryant incident

so, in a basketball game a couple of days ago, kobe bryant called a ref a "f*cking faggot." for that, he's been fined $100,000 dollars.

of course, because of the sensitivity of the word, tempers flared. some folks want kobe's head. how could you say such a thing? that's awful! so disrespectful!

others think that it's overboard. he was in an intense game, got a call that he didn't agree with, and said some choice words. were they the best? perhaps not. but that's what happens in the heat of the moment.

i won't address mr. bryant, who has since come out and said that he didn't mean it in the usual sense of the word. i don't know his intention. i don't know his heart. let's assume that he was angry and in the heat of the moment made a misstep. we've all done that. we just don't have the issue of being followed by cameras.

the issue i want to discuss is the issue of language, and how language is used to express cultural norms. the things that we say about each other and about ourselves serve to affirm the cultural norms and to make clear what it is not. the reason why people are upset about it isn't just because it's kobe. it's a bigger picture that i think people are missing. hopefully this post will shed some light.

particularly with african american males, even the christian ones, we are taught that masculinity is toughness. strength. power. might. and yes, sexual prowess with the women. there is a certain way to act and be. just listen to popular rap music. even CHRISTIAN rap, while it may not be sexually explicit, still is carried by the "hardness" of the emcee, the "in your face" nature of the delivery (and yes, the lyrics and the message count as well. i had to add that before some lecrae fans jumped me lol).

the reason why this sticks out to me is because i know what it feels like to be called a faggot...and punched in the face soon after. i know exactly how it feels to be called gay, then dragged to an empty tennis court and beat with a stick for several minutes. and yes, that actually happened. i know how it feels to be viewed a certain way, simply because of mannerisms or behaviors that i had, without anyone asking me directly. just snickers and laughs. looked at strangely for things that were not intentional and and not in my control. did i mention that a lot of these were christian folks, too? know how it feels to be called and all of those words that we use to describe things that we think are "less than a man."

but if those words haven't been used against you, that probably doesn't register. it doesn't carry any weight with you.

but, if you're a black man in america, you've probably seen eyes on the prize once or twice. you've had black history day at school. you've read about how our race was terrorized and brutalized. we were called "niggers."

it was meant to demean us. and they called us niggers while punching us in the face, and while beating us with sticks.

a large percentage of black men would have a big issue being called a nigger/nigga. but they are okay with calling someone else a faggot. or calling something unsatisfactory "gay."

i think there is a problem with that.

and let me be clear, this isn't about where people stand theologically about homosexuality. i think this applies on both sides of the fence, whether you affirm it or not. we all could stand to do better with how we address people.

what if it were you?

what if it was your brother or sister?

how would you feel if something that is a part of you (for better or for worse) was consistently thrown at you as a negative?

so, perhaps when you hear the word "faggot," it doesn't do anything to you. but it's not a bad thing or strange that it means something for countless other people. that word brings about feelings of hurt, pain, and inferiority that have been inflicted upon them.

does that mean that it's okay to jump all over kobe for saying that? maybe not. but if a white dude called a black ref a nigga?

#fatality

#gameover

am i right? well, never mind. i'm not writing this blog post to be agreed with. in this case, i know i'm right.

my purpose in presenting this post was just to put that other view out there. i hope i was successful.

What the Heck Do You Think About Hell?

when you think of hell, what do you imagine?

do you imagine this?

or this?

what about this?

there are a lot of ideas about hell, but the one most of us is familiar with is flames and burning exists and people being tortured forever. recently, people have been talking about hell a lot. this is because of a book called "love wins" by rob bell. i haven't read the book yet, but it caused a stir before its release because of the thought that bell was saying hell didn't exist and that god would save everybody. people started using the "u-word" against bell. you know...universalist. (the italics are a whisper because i don't want to type it too loud. people might think that about me!)


rob bell talks about this true beliefs here, but some still say that he hasn't really defined his thoughts. i haven't read the book, so i won't make comments. that's a lesson that EVERYONE should learn.

mind you, i still have a lot of reading to do on the subject. but from what i've read so far from prominent, conservative, christian scholars, our traditional ideas and images of hell may not be all flames and burning. a lot of the scriptures that we think are referring to something literal are actually imagery, you know, the weeping and gnashing of teeth stuff. the idea is to convey terror, not to actually describe the literal state. specifically imagery from the old testament, keep in mind that an ancient israelite didn't think of heaven and hell in the same way that you and i do. their faith was a "this life" kind of faith. if god was on your side, you blessed you with crops, cattle, and land IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. if you were evil, you would be split in half. judgment took place on the stage of life. it wasn't until much later that our current ideas of the afterlife began to come into view for jews.

i do say that i believe hell exists. why? first of all, i say, "why not?" if heaven is there, why not hell? and perhaps hell isn't like a dungeon that god made up with grinning with an evil smile. perhaps hell is what will be left over when everything else is made right. i also believe in hell because i don't think god forces himself on anyone. if your whole entire life you say, "i don't want god" then in my view, god is violating you by forcing you into heaven. i think we have the right to choose. we choose by having a faith that prompts a particular lifestyle (which, in my opinion, is following Christ). i always go back to genesis and the idea that god placed two trees in the garden. that was all HIS decision. did god do that, knowing that adam and eve would sin and mess it all up? or did he do it to allow them to pick for themselves? i choose to think the latter.

my concern is how people argue about hell. like, as much as i do believe in hell...there isn't many more things in the world that i would like to be WRONG about! what's cool about eternal suffering? or ANY type of suffering for that matter? even with a toned down view of hell, why would you want folks to go there? that's like defending the long lines at motor vehicle or something. one thing i can honestly say i that i don't see how the bible uses hell as a "motivation" for folks to walk with god. is it discussed in the new testament, yes (not as much as we think though). but, in my view, using hell to convince someone to walk with Christ is a scare tactic. doesn't the scripture say, "perfect love casts out fear" in 1 John? and every relationship that i know that is based in fear is a dysfunctional one. fear creates slaves at best and rebellious folks at worst.

i don't think god is after slaves. i think god is after consensual, reciprocal love that prompts service and loyalty.

and i really don't understand why someone that believes in predestination would argue about hell because...it doesn't matter. whatever you get out of the sorting hat is what you get. the end. if you get the black card, you can't debate it! okay, perhaps the sorting hat joke was a little much. but to me, a strong, all encompassing predestination stance just makes everything pointless, the true definition of "vanity" and "chasing the wind."

what do you think about hell?

i know what dell did last summer

the purpose of this post is to put myself on front street (as if i didn't do that already with this post here) concerning my goals for the summer.

when my personal new year (i.e. my birthday) rolls around, i want to be able to say that i've accomplished these things.

1.) get in super shape

i know, i know. the guy that plays tennis and does tae kwon do isn't in shape? i honestly think i should be in BETTER shape than i am right now. however, i struggle in the area of pushing myself physically. fact that with me being a bit of an emotional eater and having some emotionally tough months, and you get FAT. at the beginning of this semester, i weighed 230 pounds. that means i put on at least 15 lbs. around my birthday last year i was around 212. in the coming days i'm going to be working on that.

that means, i'll be putting myself with miniature portions of hell most days of the week to reach my goal. perhaps i'll post some pics.

2.) write the great american...comic book.

back in the day, i created over 200 comic books. it was called "verdell's life." basically, it was superman for kids. i liked writing them more than drawing them, and i still think that my writing is better than my drawing, but i want to do this again. i still want to involve the influences of my favorite works, but as a more mature storyteller i think i'll do a much better job. it'll be good to have a hobby that makes me sit down and focus. besides, i have some really cool stories that i want to crank out. perhaps i'll give you all a preview when i get stuff down on paper.

Random sketch that i did a while back. i don't know why it's so big. 

3.) write a book

i want to write a book about the bible. some type of guide that mixes devotional and scholarly information. i think i have something to say about this so i want to get going with it. besides, i've always wanted to be an author. here's my chance, right?

4.) firm up my greek

by the end of this semester, i would have finished all the grammar that's needed to read the new testament in greek. however, there is still much to learn and practice. one day, i want to be able to read the NT straight from greek...not an english translation. that would make my life happy, and then i wouldn't need to bible hop so much.

The One Where Dell Goes Back In Time and Burns All of John Calvin's Books

most students that undergo theological training at some point encounter a theology or a theologian that just grinds their gears. i thought i would be able to avoid it, being all open-minded and such. but alas that was not to be.

john calvin and i just did not get along. so i warn you, if you and j cal are close buds, you might wanna skip til the end.

to be honest i never knew much about mr. calvin and the train of thought that bears his name until i took history of christianity last year. we talked about him and his ideas in a historical context.

the one hump i couldn't get over was predestination. basically, predestination is the idea that god chose before time began who he would save. that being so, jesus death on the cross was for that select group of people. this is considered "limited atonement," where as "general atonement" is for any one that would accept christ. mind you, i'm being EXTREMELY basic in my definitions, and i understand that i'm doing that even to the point where i might be incorrect. but i'm sure that i'll be corrected if i am.

see, something like calvinism probably will NEVER fly at my school. it's an HBCU where liberation and equality are large focal points. telling someone that god might not have picked them for the number won't go over well, particularly when talking to representatives of minorities that have been trying to get in the number of various earthly societies for decades.

i thought and though and thought. i just didn't like it. the idea that god sorted all of this out beforehand didn't make sense to me, or my understanding of god's movement in the scriptures. i never thought, even as a little kid, that god controlled every single aspect of human behavior. we make choices, we deal with the consequences. if we make godly choices, we'll avoid A LOT of bad things, but even then you can't dodge all of them. still, god is there. god is good. we live during a period of existence where our actions affect the world around us for better or worse.

i didn't understand what place ministry had if this were true. are we honestly trying to reach a dying world if this is my viewpoint, or simply to scream loud enough so "the elect" would hear. bump everyone else, because god has decided to withhold himself from them.

but wait, doesn't that mean he created them with the intent to withhold himself from them? so does that make 1 timothy 2:4 means something else when it says that god wants "all people to be saved?"

as if christianity doesn't have enough exclusivity issues.

and what does this mean as a black man in america? since god wrote this script, from beginning to end, how can i continue being such a happy christian knowing that it was god's idea and intention for...

-11 million africans to be snatched from africa
-countless amounts of said africans die on the middle passage
-said africans to suffer through slavery, then jim crow, then civil rights, and still a subpar social status
-native americans to be wiped out

praise white, european invader god! doesn't this seem great!

-___-

i couldn't see myself preaching to my people, marginalized people, and telling them this. quite frankly, i didn't see what this dead german dude had to say that had anything positive for me or my community. i wanted to go back in time and tell him to get it together.

calvin: hello?

me: it's me, dell.

calvin: can i help you?

me: you sure can! you can stop writing! because one day john piper and mark driscoll will get twitter accounts and be annoying! i can nip this in the bud if i stop you.

calvin: but...i really believe this!

me: SO WHAT!! **dell burns all of the books**

this semester, my professor and i had a talk about it. she actually made me feel better about the whole thing. "verdell, think about his context. the church was filled with corruption. wars were everywhere. plagues abounded. it would make sense that calvin's ideas of predestination came out of this situation. it probably looked very hopeless. you can't separate a person's theology from their experience."

she was right. and i was able to let calvin off the hook. none of us, even jesus, create thoughts about god in a vacuum. they come from somewhere and are shaped by something. as much as i may have disagreed with him, there were real circumstances that led him to these ideas. if i were in his shoes, perhaps i would have come to the same conclusions.

there are people that would disagree with me and my ideas, too. and they would say that i'm simply a product of my environment as well. it reminded me to be careful and tread lightly, even in my theological disagreements with others.

still...when i see prominent calvinist preachers minister, i'm turned off. even when i share their viewpoints i find them unbearable to watch. to me, the display is arrogant and haughty, with an assumption that "if you disagree with us, then you disagree with GOD! BOOM! we're allllllllways correct! and you'll never be correct unless you agree with us!" *chest thump*

if i were not saved, trust they wouldn't be the reason i would turn to jesus. or does it even matter? because god's grace will get me whether i want it or not.

but wait, that would make god at best, forceful, and at worst...well, just really really bad.

but that isn't john calvin'sjesus. but that's a topic for a whole other day.

i personally think that god goes out of his way to protect our free will. it's the aspect that we have that makes us like him. the ability to choose. i mean, with all of my issues with how the genesis account is handled, it was god that decided to put two trees in the garden. to me, if everything was already decided, what's the point of the trees? what's the point of telling them not to eat the fruit? did god create adam and eve not just with the ability to sin, but with the intention of them sinning?

if so, then god is directly responsible for the cycle of sin and death.

it just gets messy for me. and i don't mind messy, but at some point it's too much of a mess to take to the bank. so many other things no longer make sense, or have to be explained away in ways that assault my understanding of Christ to totally accept john calvin's claims.

and i'm by no means saying that i understand it all...but what i do understand, i'm sticking to.

it's my birthday time...FOR A LONG TIME

this year, i've decided that i'm to celebrate my birthday right now.

yep, starting at this very moment. yes, beginning at april 11.

but you ask, "dell, isn't your birthday in september?"

and i ask you, "what is your point?"

i used to laugh at people who celebrated their birthday for crazy amounts of time. but then i thought about it. why SHOULDN'T i celebrate life, especially my own? i'll only be this age once. let's ride it til the wheels fall off! besides, the hebrews in the bible had a feast for everything. i argue that my decision to hijack the calendar for my birthday is biblical.

let's just consider this time as the pre-game! yes, the spring and summer seasons will be officially known as the warm up to my birthday. that's right, spring and summer are on the house! i don't know what to say for the southern hemisphere, but it's warm all the time there.

the actual day of my break though into the world will actually be a low key day. eating. laughing. and then the after parties will start! the last day of celebration will be christmas. we'll stop there, because new year's day was never that important to me. my birthday is my new year!

so you have any interesting birthday rituals? if so, share! oh and make sure they don't clash with my dates. they are already booked.

The Aftermath

i first heard this song in arizona. i didn't really think anything of it. at that point i was just trying to be respectful and not interrupt someone's prayer time.

but the song took on another meaning for me when i left. i sat in the chair to wait for my flight to take me back to baltimore. however, my spirit was totally shattered. what i was feeling was the culmination of 9 months or so of dull, nagging numbness. loneliness. perhaps even low grade depression. at some point i got use to it, so dragging through all of my days didn't bother me as much. going away for a week was a much needed jolt, but it only served to expose how unhappy i was in my current situation. the dull, nagging numbness turned into a sharp, piercing pain. the best way to explain it is that my spirit had cracked, shattered under the weight of knowing that i'll be thrown into darkness again. i honestly hated my current state back home. it didn't feel like home. it felt like hell. while there were no flames the intensity of the loneliness and lack of self worth i felt burned away all the confidence that i had.

i'm sure i was a pitiful sight walking through the airport. it isn't everyday that you see a 5'10 black dude walking through the airport fighting back tears. i wished that i could be stuck in a time warp. that the world could stop and we could just play pretend. that i didn't have to go back to my "real" life. in this pretend life, this vacation, i was loved, needed, and engaged in vital relationships, and was known. back at hell home, i didn't feel that way at all.

my flight back home was a combination of tears and sleep. i got back to my apartment around 8am and slept until about noon. when i got up, the reality of my situation hit me again.

and i just couldn't deal with it. so, i checked out.

i understand why people turn to sex, drugs, and alcohol when times get tough. they need an escape. a rush. they don't really think that those things could change the situation, but it DOES provide a temporary rush that supersedes your current reality. for a few minutes, the pain, the doubt, the fear isn't as bad. the fears and hurts don't scream as loud. yes, it's ultimately futile. but if you can only see in the short term, you would do anything you can to get a release. the pain is bad enough that the escape can be looked at as a break from the pressure. like an inmate being allowed to go out on the town for a day.

to be honest the only thing that prevented me from being drunk under a table for the rest of the week is that i had to drive. and the depression made me not want to move further than my room when i was home. for once, my tendency to isolate myself worked in my favor. i would've welcomed the buzz. JUST KNOCK ME OUT TIL IT'S OVER.

except i knew, and i think deep down everyone that has a crutch knows, that it wouldn't go away. my dependence on outside buzzes really went from a way of relief to a sign of defeat. i didn't believe i could beat this. the loneliness and distance i felt was my last, great enemy. my doomsday, so to speak. the one that would get my number. my breakdown was me realizing that i could not win this fight, and my habits were like me waving a white flag. "you win, you'll always win. just give me a break every now and then. thanks."

that monday was pure hell. honestly one of the worst days i can remember, most certainly in the "top 10 list of worst days in dell's life." i'm sure that i was dehydrated from crying so much. i actually almost got into an accident because i was falling apart behind the wheel.

and guess what?

i have no happy ending to put here. no encouraging word. no scripture to post. not because those things aren't well-intentioned, but for two reasons:

1. the story is still in progress.
2. i don't like cute sayings.

give me something that will give me life. point me to LIFE. i knew all the scriptures that could perhaps help me in my situation, but clearly knowing them wasn't enough. i needed (and still need) something beyond sunday school rhetoric.

i needed pure, raw god. straight. no chaser. 100% proof. some little cute saying wasn't going to get me that. it wasn't cute little sayings that got me here in the first place.

so, what is my motivating factor? well, it goes back to that song at the beginning of the post. i believe that there will be something of worth that can be found in the aftermath of all of this. what is it exactly? i don't know. i have no well defined definitions. but i can say that yesterday i didn't think i would find anything, so this counts as an 100% improvement.

tomorrow is not promised, but if tomorrow gets here then i know god will be there too. that comforts me. and i'm curious to see what he'll do. that keeps me around.

that should be enough to keep you around, too.

Dell's Tae Kwon Tournament Adventure

this past saturday i traveled with the howard university tae kwon do club to compete in a tournament at upenn (university of pennsylvania, that is). it was a great time.

first off, we met at howard u at 4:30am. yes, four thirty in theeeee A M. which means i woke up at about 3 am *insert gasp*. i forgot that time of day existed, and when my alarm went off i thought it was lying. i could've sworn that my clock was on military time, or perhaps it froze at 3pm the previous day and needed to be fixed.

or perhaps i could've not talked on the phone with Version 4 til 2am. but that's neither here nor there.

anyway, we met up and immediately got in the van. and even more immediately we all went to sleep. we thought it would take 5 hours to get there, but it only took 3. that made me mad because i wanted to make up for not going to sleep like i should have  rest a little more before the event. when we arrived we  ate at philly diner.

i was very happy that i wasn't sparring, because that meant that i didn't have to weigh in OR be bogged down by the breakfast that i would surely devour. i was up north for the day. how could i pass up a diner? anyways, we all ordered and of course, it wasn't without controversy. the university gave us a stipend for food. we all had debit cards to use, and the folks at the restaurant were like, "ummm we don't do split checks on the weekends."

that would've been cool, had we not ordered our food already. so my response was, "oh, so you just don't want our money? GREAT!" they eventually found it in their business sense heart to break the checks up so we could pay.

now, in terms of the food, that was interesting. one person ordered biscuits and gravy. now, if anyone knows me they should know that i'm against all notions of southern breakfast, simply because it looks like sunday dinner to me. however, even i know that having biscuits and gravy at most establishments above the mason-dixon line will result in a tragedy.

it did.

as for my food, well, it didn't taste bad. that's because it didn't have a taste. perhaps my taste buds weren't fully awake. who knows.

finally, we arrived at the tournament. after parking we looked for the building. our first stop was the university's gym which i confused with a bally's. and that's saying something, because the gym that i'm used to at rutgers was super great. but then we approached this door that you'll see in the picture that follows:

i feel like king koopa is behind this door. 

everybody else wondered how it opened. the first thing that came to my mind was this:

"thank you mario! but our princess in in another castle!"

moving on, we found the real place for the tournament and began to check in. i had to get ready and begin warming up, because my event was among the first ones to take place. it was a great scene. everyone was warming up, getting some final practice in. it's empowering to be around so many people that are doing the same thing that you are.

before the tournament officially kicked off. we got lined up. we performed the customary proceedings that you would at the beginning of any class. we showed respect to the masters that were in the arena. we bowed to the flags, the korean and united states. then someone sang the national anthem. i was in a good place. this is my super bowl. my nba finals. i worked hard to do well here, and i was happy to have the shot to show how much i improved since the semester began.

here are some pictures that show you what a day at a tournament is like. there are lots of people standing around. lots of noises. lots of EVERYTHING. you really have to be focused when you do your events.

The HU tkd team waiting in line.

(people getting used to the area and practicing their moves.)

More practicing. More fine-tuning. always busy and buzzing. tournaments are like airports.

in terms of my event, i competed in men's poomse green belt division. it was about 20 of us. poomse is what other styles would call forms or kata. you basically are performing a series of preset moves in a manner that shows balance, control, intensity, and precision. unfortunately, i don't think people take forms as seriously as they should. but that's how i was taught since age 12. mr. lewis, mr. miller, mr. ganguly, and mr. kim taught me that. everything matters, not just the sparring.

i competed, and just like 10 years ago i had the same mentality. i watched every one's form and noted things. i also judged if i could outdo their performance. yes, because it is a competition. and yes, because i want to win. i must admit that some of the scoring surprised me. no one in our division got lower than a 7.0 and i would have given out of 6.5's if i was judging. but that's a part of the slightly subjective nature of poosme judging. you can do your form in one tournament and come in first. you can do the same one in the same way somewhere else and not even place.

when i did my poosme, i was a little annoyed because i slipped a little. still, i managed to tie for 2nd place. so, we had to do a tie breaker. now, the second time i did my form, i think i ROCKED IT. unfortunately, the judges thought otherwise and i lost. i ended up with 3rd place. some of my teammates didn't agree with the score. by the standards that i learned, i sincerely do believe that at the very least i was ranked second. but, i understand that different places have different standards. i don't know any of theirs, so perhaps i just didn't mean their standards.

i was a little annoyed by that, but i looked at the silver lining. in my 9 years of martial arts, every time i've competed i've always placed. this was my first 3rd place. no reason to be upset. just more motivation to keep working.

after that, it was sparring time. i was excited to see ernest in action, because i knew he was really good. i never get a chance to see him in full flight in class, but since it was competition i knew he would swing for the rafters. watching him fight was inspiring. it's like he did whatever he wanted to. kicked the dude in the head TWICE. he could score at will. it inspired me to work on my sparring form. i think everyone did really well in sparring, especially the first timers. although in some matches i think we were cheated out of some points. at the end, we didn't win the sparring, and a lot of that was because we didn't have enough people for the team format.

here is a clip of some sparring from the day.

and yes, that's me in the background saying, "kick him. get him." neither one of these people are on our team, but i was glad that i noticed the openings while watching all of the fights. i just need to get in better shape and i'll do okay when i spar.

now, keep in mind that this is full contact sparring. and in the higher divisions you can kick folks in the head. that happened a few times. so this is why these folks were there...

you periodically heard the word "medic to court such and such." it's a reality of competition.

all and all, it was a great day. i even got an authentic philly cheese steak out of the deal! i'm inspired to keep training and to continue to push against my own barriers to see how far i can go mentally and physically.

oh, and here's the medal that i won. it's a bronze. i was going to wear it everywhere i went for a week, but i thought that was overkill. so i just sleep with it under my pillow.

3rd place ain't nuthin to funk with! or...just the second to last person to lose. 

Judas the Balloon

what do you see in the picture below?

you probably said, "those are balloons." YES, but if you were looking with spiritual eyes you would've called them by their real name: legion, for we are many.

i hate everything about balloons. they just float there, all bright and cheerful looking. but the reality is that it's all a farce! they are really stretchy plastic containers of destruction and death! they are evil things, and should not be allowed around anyone.

why do i feel this way? well, about 21 years ago i thought i could trust a balloon. i got one of the stretchy death balls from wendy's. it seemed like a perfect afternoon with my nanna and my mom: chicken nuggets, french fries, a toy, AND a balloon? you don't get any better than that.

unfortunately, it gets worse. we went to the grocery store after lunch. as we were walking around, the balloon JUMPED out of my hand and floated 20 feet up to the top. i wish i was smart enough to understand that the balloon did me a favor, but my 6 year old brain went into shock. see, in the 20 minute car ride it took to get from wendy's to the supermarket i managed to bond with the balloon. we were BEST FRIENDS. if the acronym BFF existed back then i so would've used it for me and the balloon. actually, i'm sure that our relationship inspired the acronym BFF. the first ever documented bromance: me and my balloon. we would grow old together. and when it was time to die, i would just hold on to his magical streamer string thing and float into the sunset. i just knew it. so when i saw my best friend float to the top of the ceiling, i just knew that i had to pull out the stops to rescue him!

and me pulling out the stops meant crying as loud as i could in the middle of the store. it was one of those loud cries when you throw your head back like a character from charlie brown and just let it rip. one of the nice men in the store saw what happened. he got a ladder, braved the heights over the deli counter, and managed to get my other half down to safety.

i was again made whole! i had my friend back and all was right with the world. my nanna and i finished shopping, and then we got back in the car with my mother.

this is when it happened. the worst betrayal ever.

so, riding in the car, my mom commented that the balloon was blocking her vision. she asked me to hold it down. so, i held the balloon close to my chest. next to my heart. where all good friends belong. as we were driving along, my mom drove over a pothole and the balloon went...

AND IT HAPPENED RIGHT ON MY CHEST! i'm sure the force from the blast almost cracked my ribs! i couldn't breathe! and it huuuuuurt! i'm sure that this was a trap from satan because i had super powers as a 6 year old. only an evil super scientist could create a weapon that could harm me. i'm  certain that it was laced with kiddie kryptonite as well.

my best friend exploded on my chest and tried to kill me! played me for a fool!

that judas. i supped with him, and then he blew up on my chest.

since that day, i've made it my business to warn the world of the dangers of balloons. they are sneaky demons. they should all be destroyed, before they destroy you and your dignity life.

I am Gohan

i am gohan.

for those of you who don't know, gohan is the son of goku, the main character of the famous anime dragonball z. goku is a great warrior, who has saved the world many times.

as for gohan, he showed an enormous potential since he was a little boy. he always hung on through the battles the older, more seasoned fighters were involved in. he would have dramatic displays of power, power that was beyond everyone else. but he could never control it. the flashes were gone as soon as they appeared. he often thought that he was just a little wimpy kid, without the grit that the other fighters had.

the video below takes place during the cell saga. at this point, there is yet another super powered monster that all of the warriors have to train in order to beat. it's at this point that goku decided to train gohan with the intention of making him the strongest of them all. goku knew that gohan would be the only one that could stop cell, and that was because of the potential that gohan possessed.

this video is from the end of the cell saga. it involves a conversation with gohan and his dad that starts around 2:30 that is vital to our conversation here.

i think the conversation that goku has with his son is indicative of me, unfortunately. gohan has this knack for emphasizing his failures. but he doesn't see how he had been playing up in a higher division since he started fighting. has he been perfect? absolutely not. but the positive far outweighs the negative. he has this idea that something is wrong with him. that somehow he just can't cut it. that he's not really cut out for the big stuff because he's small and weak. that the awesome abilities at his fingertips are somehow not enough.

gohan thinks he just is incapable, despite the fact that he just ascended to a place of martial artistry that the other fighters couldn't even touch at that time.

gohan just thinks that he's pointless. and irrelevant. and easily done away with.

metaphorically, those wounds are the wounds of life that make it difficult to stand at times. it's only the voices of my father, and my Father, and my loved ones that seem to keep me afloat at times. and their voices seem like whispers because of the noise around me. i wish they were louder.

at times it seems like life is just a bit stronger than you. like it just had a board meeting and decided that it's going to attack you today. and it really sucks when all of the wounds of inadequacy, fear, and hopelessness are raw and fresh.

but somehow, tomorrow happens. and then the next day. and then the next. we survive. gohan survives. i survive.

i survive, but i don't think i'm thriving. and that becomes too big a price to pay.

my prayer is that one day the right voices are the loudest ones to me.