Family

in a few hours, i'll be back in the DMV.  after spending the holidays in jersey, i can say that i'm coming back with a new resolve in some areas.  i feel recommitted to Christ in some vital basic areas.

The biggest deal for me during the trip occured towards the end.  my mom planned a holiday party the day after christmas.  my mom's side and my dad's side of the family showed up.  it was a packed house (probably too packed).  i honestly wasn't expecting much.  It would be good to see family in all, but i wasn't expecting fireworks. fortunately, i was pleasantly surprised by an amazing development.

i reconnected with my cousins.

these cousins are on my dad's side.  it was wonderful and jarring at the same time.  wonderful because these are the people that i looked at as brothers since i can remember, but we were never as close as i would have liked. particularly my two older cousins...those were my big brothers in my mind. that was a consistent source of disappointment growing up.  it was jarring because for once i wasn't the one and only.  on my mother's side, i'm the "only" for a lot of things.  i was my grandmother's only grandson, which meant i was usually around a lot of women.  not so on my dad's side.  i'm the third youngest, with two older cousins before me. i was around a bunch of men that looked like me, that had a common connection through blood and experiences. my mom commented and said that you can tell her are all related.

i must admit that it was fun being the "younger" one. i sucked every second of it up.  i waited forever to this to happen.  i wasn't "in charge" or "the leader."  it was fun.  i'm sure it will happen again.

so many emotions were stirred up.  happiness that we reconnected.  saddness that i couldn't have this experience while growing up. bracing myself for disappointment just in case it falls off like it had in the past. Although this time, i think it will stick.

i'm just happy it happened.  when it's all said and done i got something that i asked god for long time ago.  delay is not denial, as the saying goes.

here's to new beginnings...

Shifting Gears

Could stuff be changing...again?

I feel like things just changed not too long ago.  Sure, the only constant thing about life is change, but I just wasn't expecting things to change like that. 

Maybe it's in response to my prayers as of late.  I want to understand more fully who I am, what I am, and what I want to do.  I feel like some things have come info focus, but there is still plenty of room for self-discovery. I'm all for that.  I'm excited for that.  Bring it on!

What concerns me is that my desires have changed.  Things that I would spend a lot of hours and energy now are now on the back burner at best.  At worst, the thought of engaging in them makes me cringe.  That's a little unsettling for me, considering how I drove into those endeavors, situation, etc., with all my might.  I loved every second of it, and I don't regret it.  But the drive is gone.  Usually when that happens, especially in such a drastic way, it means that God is working in and around me to shift some things around for the next scene in my life.

I'm okay with a shift.  God is big on shifts.  The cool thing about it is that God never really shifts; he always has the right perspective on things.  It only looks like change when when you don't know the story, and God clearly does.  I guess that comes with being the Alpha and Omega.  The beauty of it is that God will shift things in your life so that you can see things from different angles and perspectives.  Manual cars have to shift to adjust to different speeds and terrains.  Athletes have to shift their training programs to meet their goals.  In our walks with Christ, God has to change our gears on us so we handle where we're going. 

So what does that mean for me?  I don't totally know yet.  I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of the familiar situations and faces not being as familiar anymore.  But the worse thing would be to sacrifice where God is taking me for the sake of my comfort. Besides, I asked him to take me.  I might as well go. 

There's another cool things about shifts.  On the keyboard, it allows you to make a capital letter, signifying a proper noun, a specific name, and/or the beginning of a new sentence.  Every new piece of revelation comes with a shift.  Just think on that for a second.  You'll get it later...;-)

a new perspective on being alone

so i realized today that i need to prepare myself to do more things alone.  it smacked in me in the face when i prepared to go church searching this morning.  while it was true that my exhaustion from finals left little energy to do anything, it was equally true that i didn't want to go because i would be by myself.  i would be going to these places without anyone else with me. walking through the doors...alone.  being the one person that no one knows. it would be a solo dell adventure.

that was enough to persuade me to get back under the covers.  i just didn't want to face that.  no thanks. 

i thought about it someone and i realized that alone has been par for the course since i moved to the dmv.  there have been people that have been indispensable to me, people that i would not have made without their help.  still, there is a significant part of the growth process that is done alone.  i had to conquer some major demons, and the definitive moments, the moments that represented the beginning of the breakthough, occured with me...alone.  my friends have brought me the sword, but i had to slay the dragon,. if that makes any sense. 

this may sound more depressing than it seems.  it's really just a part of life.  i believe that god allows us those alone times so we become better acquainted with recognizing his presence in our lives. there may not be an abundance of people around that know what you're going through.  it may not be anyone around that understands.  but oddly enough when there is no one else around the extra noise is gone, and all we are left with is truth.  if i can get to the root of some things with some quiet being the price to pay i'm all for it.  show me jesus!

being alone and being lonely are two different things.  i'm not really lonely.  jesus is with me.  however, i'm not like some others that equate the presence of christ with the presence of another tangible human being.  even god saw that it was better to have another person with adam, so i won't try to be more spiritual than god was on the subject.  am i alone? in some ways, yes.  sometimes that alone feeling creeps up on me a little more than i'd like, but it's not lonliness TRUST ME i know what that feels like.  its just the chance for me to get to know me a little better.

i'll take it.  see what comes out of it.  and then we'll go on from there.  alone isn't really that bad.  as long as your alone with jesus :-)

the beginnings of faith

one thing that i've realized about seminary is that it doesn't really make you into something. it brings out more of what your authentic experience is.  i've had professors that i've totally disagreed with, but thus far all have enriched me.  i appreciate that. 

in terms of my own experience, i believe that it's been totally brought to the forefront because of my seminary experience.  i didn't grow up in church.  the lesson that i remember learning about god was from my nanna.  she taught me that god was my father and that made me a prince.  god loved me, and if i prayed he would listen.  i carried that with me for all these years.

i honestly never believed in anything but jesus.  i didn't even understand all of what "salvation" meant, but i just knew that jesus was the right one.  i don't know why.  my nanna never had any extensive discussions about jesus with me, so i really wasn't preconditioned to stick to jesus.  he (jesus) really wasn't in my mind at all when i prayed. 

i can trace my first sincere experience with jesus back to is a day in the basement. i believe i was in tenth grade. it was easter time.  jesus of nazereth was playing, and i watched the last part of it.  watching the death scene got to me, not that it was graphic (it wasn't) but somehow i was just moved by what jesus did.  for me? i thought.  tears streamed down my face.  that was probably the beginning.

still, i didn't understand what "salvation" was.  the only inking i had for years was again from my nanna.  she bought me a king james bible when i was about 12.  she wrote in it with big letters "THIS IS THE ONLY BOOK THAT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE IF YOU DO WHAT GOD SAYS."  i knew that one day i would read this book more than any other.  but in terms of "salvation" it didn't cross my mind.

my nanna only discussed church with me.  "some to church, dell.  you can meet some of the young men there." i didn't want to.  she went to church on saturday, and i wasn't going to give up my cartoons.  that, and something on the inside just made me feel like god didn't care about one day in particular.  besides, i remembered the conversations that she had about people in church...they all seemed crazy! why would i want to go there? i'd have to dress up and sit there for four hours.  god and i would have to find another way to meet.  church wasn't an option at this point, and i'm glad.  if i was forced to go, then i probably wouldn't be where i am right now.

so, for a few more years, god was the understand that i had.  church was a waste of time at best. oh, and jesus had something to do with all of it.  when college rolled around, then it was time to understand even more.

Productive

Today was such a busy day.  Productive, but busy.  Even though I'm "only" a full time grad student, I'm still suprised how action packed my days can get.  This was probably the worst day for it to be action packed, mind you.  I had a fever yesterday that prompted me to stay home.  I woke up today feeling a lot better, but I decided to stay home again just to make sure. 

I actually started making my list again.  That really helped me be productive.  If I have a list I can focus on what needs to happen instead of just drawing it out of my head.  I have a great memory when it comes to details, events, and information.  But random (see:non-interesting) information like times and dates can slip my mind if I'm not careful. I'm going to stick to the list thing. 

I can say that I accomplished all 12 things on my list today!  I probably did too much to be recovering from a cold, but life doesn't stop. In a weird way, that's a little bit of a victory for me.  I like to push myself and see what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it.

I hope that tomorrow is just as productive...

Some Thoughts and Tips on Seminary

it takes a special set of conditions to make it through seminary successfully.

it's not a cake walk.  it's not bible study.  it isn't bible college.  it's just like any other academic discipline, requiring you to become a scholar and prefect the practical aspects of your field. 

what's the problem with that, you ask? plenty.  this isn't engineering or chemistry we're talking about.  this is seminary, where you study the history, context, and application of the christian faith.  see, seminary is the one place where your mind is stretched with the thing your heart is set on: god.  all the curtains are pulled back.  it's beyond learning doctrine.  you learn where the doctrine came from, and with that knowledge you have the ability to do what so many christians don't:  think.

when i say that being a christian in seminary offers you a chance to think, i'm not suggesting that all other christians that don't have a masters of divinity are stupid.  you don't have to know the origins of the apostle's creed or the dueteronomistic canon to be a good christian.  you don't even have to know the bible to be a good christian (i know that may throw you off, but think about it:  they didn't have bibles for a long time. most folks couldn't even read!  yet it's their experiences in Christ that set the bar for us. hmmm.).  and quite honestly, knowledge without any type of action rooted in love puffs up (spiritual, academic, or otherwise). 

no, the type of thinking that i'm talking about is the power to make personal decisions about the faith you hold dear.  most times in church, even the best teachers teach doctrine.  that's not a bad thing.  however, if you merely teach someone doctrine they don't know where it came from.  doctrine is usually an agreed upon consensus of what we believe the bible conveys.  anyone can make up any type of theology...and pull it right from the bible.  honestly, the bible says a BUNCH of stuff.  it's not a textbook that was written to give specific skills.  because of that, interpretations can run rampant...and they can make sense.  it doesn't mean they are right, it just means that it's not as cut and dry as we would like to think.

this can cause folks to fall away.  but what i learned is this:  relationship is not taught at seminary.  now, after reading all that you may think that seminary is a bad place.  it's not! it's wonderful.  however, it is a place of learning, and not everyone will stop and have praise and worship during the class.  the objective nature of the information you learn can rock your subjective experience in christ.

but if you have a relationship...you'll be fine.  if you walk with holy spirit, the spirit of christ, you'll be guided to the truth.  and we got a good portion of it right.  through all the information that i'm learning, there are some things that remarkably ring true:

1. the main points are clear. in spite of all the unclear stuff, the basic stuff is very clear:  jesus is that dude and you should believe him, god loves us, grace and mercy are indispensable. as much as we argue about the other stuff, there is a lot of information that's in black and white that we fail to even acknowledge.
2. people tend to make convenient theology.  the bible says things that none of are comfortable with if we were honest about it.  however, a lot of times people blur the lines because they want to make their choice (i.e. sin) okay.  the way the bible is structured gives that leeway.  i wouldn't have made the bible like that, but i'm not god.  i trust he knows what he's doing.
3. people want to be on the winning side. we want to make theology and understand god in a way that empowers us.  this awesome, but it can get carried away. without meaning to, the ideas that we can learn can make god a blank canvas that we can paint our own picture of righteousness on.  or a heaven loom where we can weave whatever aspects of god that we like best into a garment to wear.  remember, god empowers us to glorify who he is in us...not to reshape him in our own image. 
4. no one wants to lose:  as much as we'd like to win, we equally hate the ideal of failing.  in class we are asked to use gender inclusive language.  that means we won't call god "he." we'll call jesus "he" because he was a physical man, but the holy spirit wont' be called "he."  honestly, it makes sense, but you don't see anyone having a problem with satan being called "he" do you?  people don't want to lose.
   

favorite things

What are some of your favorite things?

the thought ocurred to me while i was watching a tennis match on youtube.  it was an old match that only a tennis fanatic like me would care about.  i honestly just enjoy watching the ball go back and forth.  it's one of the most beautiful things in the world, i thought to myself.

that last thought made me stop and ponder a little deeper.  i'm a 26 year old black male...and one of my greatest past times is watching a little ball go through the air? 

YES. that, and a good comic book.  a great laugh.  an engaging board game.  just a few of my favorite things.

through all of the stuff i've encountered in life, i still have this innocence about me.  this child-like demeanor.  trust, i'm far from sheltered, but the things i like are so simple.  i'm not lusting...i'm not chasing...i'm learning to pursue that which genuinely captures my heart.  it's still remarkable to me how many of the societal snares i've escaped.  the sex, the alcohol, all the other things that left lasting effects on people's lives is not an issue for me.  definitely had my issues and struggles, but i'm free in a lot of areas that others are not. honestly i don't want to attribute all that to god, b/c then i have to explain why he let so many other get into those things.

the things i like in life are genuinely because of who i am...not because of what people say i need to be.  i'm becoming more and more comfortable with that.

i may not fit the image at times...but i beginning to like what i see more and more.  really.  i'm a pretty cool guy :-)