i will always believe jesus. no matter what.
that's all
Sunday, August 30, 2009
thinking about the a word...
still thinking about it. the abuse. the a word. it hurts. the memories of it all. what to do now? i don't want to over dramatize it...but it'll pop up in my head and i'll see it. i'll see that one time in the tennis court with that red stick when he beat me. he beat me bad with that stick. i didn't have any bruises or anything. my parents would've noticed that. the physical pain wasn't even what was in the forefront in my mind. just the terror of it all.
gosh.
gosh.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
the a word
the lunch was a good one. i ordered my shrimp and chicken. he ordered a sandwich of some sort. we had small talk for a second.
then it began.
this was the conversation that would inevitably steer me in a much needed direction. he asked me some serious questions about myself, my past, and how i fit it all together. i gave him some real answers, answers that some people in my life have never heard. and i've known them much longer.
"when i saw you in class, at times i didn't know who i was looking at. at times you would be this confident figure that people would follow. at others you would just seem so unsure."
"well, at times i don't know what to pick. i feel like i have too many options."
"that's actually a good thing."
we got into some other things. there were two things that were discussed. one i was fine with sharing. the other one...when he inquired further about it...opened up something that i wasn't expecting.
"verdell, are you telling me that you were abused?"
i was floored. tears began to stream down my face. all of the events just came streaming through my mind. especially the day on that tennis court with that stick. i just cried. but, as usual, i found my composure.
i subconsciously fought for years not to give it that title. "no," i would say. "it happens to everyone. just a part of growing up." i didn't want to make too much out of it. but no one deserves that happened to me during those days. it was years, honestly. years of fear, pain (emotional and physical), and confusion that have shaped me to be who i am, for better or for worse.
abuse is an ugly thing. it happened to me. definitely going on a journey to find out exactly what this means and how i move forward from here.
then it began.
this was the conversation that would inevitably steer me in a much needed direction. he asked me some serious questions about myself, my past, and how i fit it all together. i gave him some real answers, answers that some people in my life have never heard. and i've known them much longer.
"when i saw you in class, at times i didn't know who i was looking at. at times you would be this confident figure that people would follow. at others you would just seem so unsure."
"well, at times i don't know what to pick. i feel like i have too many options."
"that's actually a good thing."
we got into some other things. there were two things that were discussed. one i was fine with sharing. the other one...when he inquired further about it...opened up something that i wasn't expecting.
"verdell, are you telling me that you were abused?"
i was floored. tears began to stream down my face. all of the events just came streaming through my mind. especially the day on that tennis court with that stick. i just cried. but, as usual, i found my composure.
i subconsciously fought for years not to give it that title. "no," i would say. "it happens to everyone. just a part of growing up." i didn't want to make too much out of it. but no one deserves that happened to me during those days. it was years, honestly. years of fear, pain (emotional and physical), and confusion that have shaped me to be who i am, for better or for worse.
abuse is an ugly thing. it happened to me. definitely going on a journey to find out exactly what this means and how i move forward from here.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Random thoughts @ 12:06
random time!!!!
- if you don't manage the circumstances in your life, the circumstances in your life will manage you. will you react, or respond? if i'm not vigilant i can go into react mode and i just let life happen it me. unfortunately, i can do the same thing during tennis matches. i let things get away from me, and all of a sudden the match is about to be over. funny thing is, i've played some of my best tennis when i'm down. the truth is though, i should've been more focused in the first place. you can't box out of every situation in life, and if you can box yourself out, you can keep yourself out in the first place.
- i want to have a sincere relationship. marriage is work. not willing to settle for anything just so that i can be in a relationship. not willing to give up dreams either. a relationship is suppose to be a welcomed addition. is it work? yes. are they challenging? yes. but love is worth it. i've loved someone like that before. i was young, and made a TON of mistakes, but my love for her was so sincere and true. i know it was true because i wanted to see her succeed. i wanted to do what i could to help her. i know what that type of love feels like...and its worth waiting for. if i never find it, i'll be a lil upset, but i'd rather be alone than settle.
- ugh! close encounter of the hood nigga kind tonite! amen for protection and grace, but i need not deal with skeed (asbury park folks know what that word means did i spell it right) bamma threatening me on my porch. no thanks. my two dollar a day program just got bumped up to three. getting the heck outta dodge...in due time. my heart hurts for them though. they have a void of purpose in their lives. and the void is filled will all types of temporal nonsense. i'm going to begin praying for them, and interceding for my whole neighborhood. christ, take the clay and SHAPE...
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Name Game
Hello world,
After some thinking, I've decided to take my blog in a different direction. I want to use this blog to talk about one of the best kept secrets around: me.
Why do I call myself a "best kept secret"? Because I feel like people don't really know me too well. People know things about me based on my actions or performances, but what really makes Dell tick? Why does he do what he does? Hell, sometimes I don't really know why I do what I do. Maybe we can take this journey together and see what we all have in common.
It's All In the Name
Let's start with something simple, like my nickname. My full name is Verdell Anthony Wright. My father's name is also Verdell. Technically, I'm not a junior, even though I'm suppose to be. While my father diplomas and other materials say Verdell Anthony Wright, his birth certificate doesn't. I don't really understand that, maybe it's an old country thing, but because of that technicality I'm really not a junior (my Dad still calls me junior though).
Now, my father was already well known as Vee for years. If I'm actually retelling the story correctly, my father didn't even want me to have his name. He wanted me to have my own name and identity. So, I guess the compromise was me having my own unique nickname: Dell.
Funny thing is, people still referred to me as Lil Vee for years. Then, as I got older, I was just referred to as Vee. It was like a coming of age thing. You know, a "The Son becomes the Father" type stuff. I liked it. Once I moved from New Jersey to MD, however, I began to miss being called Dell. Because it was a family thing, no one else knew about it. So, I decided to bring it out of the closet make make family here.
I like my nickname. It seems to have caught on to the other people around me, too. Some people I don't mind. Others I'm like, "Why are you calling me Dell? Ion't know you like that, slim." That's because it was always a family thing. People that were close to me and important to me called me that. But random person that I've only know for 28 seconds...if you call me Dell I may look at you funny, but I won't be mean. With that being said, most of the people that call me Dell I'm just fine with...so if you already do, keep doing it. You've been cleared :-)
What's In A Name, Anyway?
Plenty! I wonder about the things that are attached to my name. I'm sure that it's a combination of good and bad. Contrary to my own popular belief (lol), I'm not perfect. What you call something either imparts the grace necessary for it to be built up (Ephesians 4:29) or it halts the building process. What things in your life have been halted because you called it the wrong thing? What things should have already been built in your life, but you haven't given the Master Builder the right materials? Faith is what's needed to see breakthrough, creation, and growth. Faith is imparted by WORDS...I dare you to search through the promises of God, and see what God has to say about your life. Since God wants your life blessed, you call your life blessed as well, and watch what God begins to build.
(I'm not going to preach...but I think I just did...so I'll stop now lol).
After some thinking, I've decided to take my blog in a different direction. I want to use this blog to talk about one of the best kept secrets around: me.
Why do I call myself a "best kept secret"? Because I feel like people don't really know me too well. People know things about me based on my actions or performances, but what really makes Dell tick? Why does he do what he does? Hell, sometimes I don't really know why I do what I do. Maybe we can take this journey together and see what we all have in common.
It's All In the Name
Let's start with something simple, like my nickname. My full name is Verdell Anthony Wright. My father's name is also Verdell. Technically, I'm not a junior, even though I'm suppose to be. While my father diplomas and other materials say Verdell Anthony Wright, his birth certificate doesn't. I don't really understand that, maybe it's an old country thing, but because of that technicality I'm really not a junior (my Dad still calls me junior though).
Now, my father was already well known as Vee for years. If I'm actually retelling the story correctly, my father didn't even want me to have his name. He wanted me to have my own name and identity. So, I guess the compromise was me having my own unique nickname: Dell.
Funny thing is, people still referred to me as Lil Vee for years. Then, as I got older, I was just referred to as Vee. It was like a coming of age thing. You know, a "The Son becomes the Father" type stuff. I liked it. Once I moved from New Jersey to MD, however, I began to miss being called Dell. Because it was a family thing, no one else knew about it. So, I decided to bring it out of the closet make make family here.
I like my nickname. It seems to have caught on to the other people around me, too. Some people I don't mind. Others I'm like, "Why are you calling me Dell? Ion't know you like that, slim." That's because it was always a family thing. People that were close to me and important to me called me that. But random person that I've only know for 28 seconds...if you call me Dell I may look at you funny, but I won't be mean. With that being said, most of the people that call me Dell I'm just fine with...so if you already do, keep doing it. You've been cleared :-)
What's In A Name, Anyway?
Plenty! I wonder about the things that are attached to my name. I'm sure that it's a combination of good and bad. Contrary to my own popular belief (lol), I'm not perfect. What you call something either imparts the grace necessary for it to be built up (Ephesians 4:29) or it halts the building process. What things in your life have been halted because you called it the wrong thing? What things should have already been built in your life, but you haven't given the Master Builder the right materials? Faith is what's needed to see breakthrough, creation, and growth. Faith is imparted by WORDS...I dare you to search through the promises of God, and see what God has to say about your life. Since God wants your life blessed, you call your life blessed as well, and watch what God begins to build.
(I'm not going to preach...but I think I just did...so I'll stop now lol).
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Back from Florida
hello world.
i'm back from florida. it was a great time. it was good to get away. had a bunch of laughs (and a two REALLY big laughs that i will NEVER forget!)
oh, and the words/phrases of the week are:
impactual (yep, your right. that's not a word!)
copious notes (it just sounds cool, moe! oh, wait "mo" lol!)
big-ups are due for the new National Board of ANQ! keep doin what you're doin! i'm definitely committed to working to see success manifest!
so, i began reading this book called S.H.A.P.E. christina recommended it to me. and, like every other book she's recommended to me, it begins by playing my life. "your are walking in a fractured kingdom focus." whomp. that's something that i'm working on. i'm good at a fair amount of things; however, i need to find my niche. that will be happening in the coming weeks.
there's been something on my heart lately. i want to see men grow in god. for real. however, i think that too often we aren't given the tools to grow. men need somethings that they can grasp onto. so, for the next couple of weeks, send me your questions and we're gonna grow together. let's get some tangible answers to some questions. if i can't answer, i'll find someone that can.
love ya!!!
i'm back from florida. it was a great time. it was good to get away. had a bunch of laughs (and a two REALLY big laughs that i will NEVER forget!)
oh, and the words/phrases of the week are:
impactual (yep, your right. that's not a word!)
copious notes (it just sounds cool, moe! oh, wait "mo" lol!)
big-ups are due for the new National Board of ANQ! keep doin what you're doin! i'm definitely committed to working to see success manifest!
so, i began reading this book called S.H.A.P.E. christina recommended it to me. and, like every other book she's recommended to me, it begins by playing my life. "your are walking in a fractured kingdom focus." whomp. that's something that i'm working on. i'm good at a fair amount of things; however, i need to find my niche. that will be happening in the coming weeks.
there's been something on my heart lately. i want to see men grow in god. for real. however, i think that too often we aren't given the tools to grow. men need somethings that they can grasp onto. so, for the next couple of weeks, send me your questions and we're gonna grow together. let's get some tangible answers to some questions. if i can't answer, i'll find someone that can.
love ya!!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I'm back...
Hey.
Don't be mad at me.
I know that I haven't blogged like I said that I would. Consistency is becoming my new best friend. We're still feeling each other out.
With that being said, I'll just update you on the various points of my life so that you be up to speed.
Tennis
Tennis is definitely one of my girlfriends. I have many girlfriends (Chipotle, Pandora Radio, etc.) and I constantly date them all. They don't seem to have a problem with it. But yeah, tennis is my favorite sport in the world. I like it better than martial arts, and that's saying something.
As you all may know, this summer I entered a league. The former results the results in a nutshell: I'm getting better, but I hardly ever win! Ugh! Anyone that knows me knows that that whole not winning thing isn't fun. Most of my matches are very close though, but I need to just get over that hump.
With that being said, I altered my workout a bit to help with my fitness. And, viola! I won my last match, 6-1, 6-3! And this was against a guy that I lost a tight might to the first time! I another match, lost one (which was a blower), and i won a toughie on Saturday 5-7, 6-4, 10-5 (champion tiebreak). Three hours in the heat is never fun...but it's all a part of the game. I'm 3-1 on the season!
Work
I don't work at RTI anymore. I really enjoyed working with RaMona and the like. More than that, I enjoyed having my own cubicle. Even more than that, I enjoyed having ELBOW ROOM!!! Anyone that knows me knows that I needs personal space. However, instead of the normal five feet that Americans prefer, the range of my personal space covers two square miles. I'm like a lion in the Savannah, I guess.
I have none of those that this new job. I'm the office assistant for a real estate company. I get paid more than at RTI, which is good. It's part time, so it leaves room for school, which is also good. However...my personal space is gone and my patience is constantly tested. Hmmm...God help! I know, I know. Let me take the words out of your mouth: "You need to be thankful that you have a job in this recession! Amen, Hallelujah, Praise God." Yes, I know. I realize that, and that's what keeps me going. I have a blessing and and lesson going on at the same time.
School
School starts on the 24th of this month. I'm ready to start back up to make that march towards my goal. I still have some concerns, though. My school is a very liberal school, which I do think fits me. However, at times I think they are liberal in the wrong ways. I personally cannot allow my love for people to trump what God says.
I must admit, I was a little rocked by some of the opinions and issues from last semester. I talked to God about it, and He said to just follow Him like the North Star! As I spend more time with Him, I'll know what to treasure and what to trash! Amen!
So, question for you, my wonderful readers: what would you like to see me blog about? What questions to you have? What issues should we tackle together? Talk to me and let me know what's going on...
Don't be mad at me.
I know that I haven't blogged like I said that I would. Consistency is becoming my new best friend. We're still feeling each other out.
With that being said, I'll just update you on the various points of my life so that you be up to speed.
Tennis
Tennis is definitely one of my girlfriends. I have many girlfriends (Chipotle, Pandora Radio, etc.) and I constantly date them all. They don't seem to have a problem with it. But yeah, tennis is my favorite sport in the world. I like it better than martial arts, and that's saying something.
As you all may know, this summer I entered a league. The former results the results in a nutshell: I'm getting better, but I hardly ever win! Ugh! Anyone that knows me knows that that whole not winning thing isn't fun. Most of my matches are very close though, but I need to just get over that hump.
With that being said, I altered my workout a bit to help with my fitness. And, viola! I won my last match, 6-1, 6-3! And this was against a guy that I lost a tight might to the first time! I another match, lost one (which was a blower), and i won a toughie on Saturday 5-7, 6-4, 10-5 (champion tiebreak). Three hours in the heat is never fun...but it's all a part of the game. I'm 3-1 on the season!
Work
I don't work at RTI anymore. I really enjoyed working with RaMona and the like. More than that, I enjoyed having my own cubicle. Even more than that, I enjoyed having ELBOW ROOM!!! Anyone that knows me knows that I needs personal space. However, instead of the normal five feet that Americans prefer, the range of my personal space covers two square miles. I'm like a lion in the Savannah, I guess.
I have none of those that this new job. I'm the office assistant for a real estate company. I get paid more than at RTI, which is good. It's part time, so it leaves room for school, which is also good. However...my personal space is gone and my patience is constantly tested. Hmmm...God help! I know, I know. Let me take the words out of your mouth: "You need to be thankful that you have a job in this recession! Amen, Hallelujah, Praise God." Yes, I know. I realize that, and that's what keeps me going. I have a blessing and and lesson going on at the same time.
School
School starts on the 24th of this month. I'm ready to start back up to make that march towards my goal. I still have some concerns, though. My school is a very liberal school, which I do think fits me. However, at times I think they are liberal in the wrong ways. I personally cannot allow my love for people to trump what God says.
I must admit, I was a little rocked by some of the opinions and issues from last semester. I talked to God about it, and He said to just follow Him like the North Star! As I spend more time with Him, I'll know what to treasure and what to trash! Amen!
So, question for you, my wonderful readers: what would you like to see me blog about? What questions to you have? What issues should we tackle together? Talk to me and let me know what's going on...
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