Judas the Balloon

what do you see in the picture below?

you probably said, "those are balloons." YES, but if you were looking with spiritual eyes you would've called them by their real name: legion, for we are many.

i hate everything about balloons. they just float there, all bright and cheerful looking. but the reality is that it's all a farce! they are really stretchy plastic containers of destruction and death! they are evil things, and should not be allowed around anyone.

why do i feel this way? well, about 21 years ago i thought i could trust a balloon. i got one of the stretchy death balls from wendy's. it seemed like a perfect afternoon with my nanna and my mom: chicken nuggets, french fries, a toy, AND a balloon? you don't get any better than that.

unfortunately, it gets worse. we went to the grocery store after lunch. as we were walking around, the balloon JUMPED out of my hand and floated 20 feet up to the top. i wish i was smart enough to understand that the balloon did me a favor, but my 6 year old brain went into shock. see, in the 20 minute car ride it took to get from wendy's to the supermarket i managed to bond with the balloon. we were BEST FRIENDS. if the acronym BFF existed back then i so would've used it for me and the balloon. actually, i'm sure that our relationship inspired the acronym BFF. the first ever documented bromance: me and my balloon. we would grow old together. and when it was time to die, i would just hold on to his magical streamer string thing and float into the sunset. i just knew it. so when i saw my best friend float to the top of the ceiling, i just knew that i had to pull out the stops to rescue him!

and me pulling out the stops meant crying as loud as i could in the middle of the store. it was one of those loud cries when you throw your head back like a character from charlie brown and just let it rip. one of the nice men in the store saw what happened. he got a ladder, braved the heights over the deli counter, and managed to get my other half down to safety.

i was again made whole! i had my friend back and all was right with the world. my nanna and i finished shopping, and then we got back in the car with my mother.

this is when it happened. the worst betrayal ever.

so, riding in the car, my mom commented that the balloon was blocking her vision. she asked me to hold it down. so, i held the balloon close to my chest. next to my heart. where all good friends belong. as we were driving along, my mom drove over a pothole and the balloon went...

AND IT HAPPENED RIGHT ON MY CHEST! i'm sure the force from the blast almost cracked my ribs! i couldn't breathe! and it huuuuuurt! i'm sure that this was a trap from satan because i had super powers as a 6 year old. only an evil super scientist could create a weapon that could harm me. i'm  certain that it was laced with kiddie kryptonite as well.

my best friend exploded on my chest and tried to kill me! played me for a fool!

that judas. i supped with him, and then he blew up on my chest.

since that day, i've made it my business to warn the world of the dangers of balloons. they are sneaky demons. they should all be destroyed, before they destroy you and your dignity life.

I am Gohan

i am gohan.

for those of you who don't know, gohan is the son of goku, the main character of the famous anime dragonball z. goku is a great warrior, who has saved the world many times.

as for gohan, he showed an enormous potential since he was a little boy. he always hung on through the battles the older, more seasoned fighters were involved in. he would have dramatic displays of power, power that was beyond everyone else. but he could never control it. the flashes were gone as soon as they appeared. he often thought that he was just a little wimpy kid, without the grit that the other fighters had.

the video below takes place during the cell saga. at this point, there is yet another super powered monster that all of the warriors have to train in order to beat. it's at this point that goku decided to train gohan with the intention of making him the strongest of them all. goku knew that gohan would be the only one that could stop cell, and that was because of the potential that gohan possessed.

this video is from the end of the cell saga. it involves a conversation with gohan and his dad that starts around 2:30 that is vital to our conversation here.

i think the conversation that goku has with his son is indicative of me, unfortunately. gohan has this knack for emphasizing his failures. but he doesn't see how he had been playing up in a higher division since he started fighting. has he been perfect? absolutely not. but the positive far outweighs the negative. he has this idea that something is wrong with him. that somehow he just can't cut it. that he's not really cut out for the big stuff because he's small and weak. that the awesome abilities at his fingertips are somehow not enough.

gohan thinks he just is incapable, despite the fact that he just ascended to a place of martial artistry that the other fighters couldn't even touch at that time.

gohan just thinks that he's pointless. and irrelevant. and easily done away with.

metaphorically, those wounds are the wounds of life that make it difficult to stand at times. it's only the voices of my father, and my Father, and my loved ones that seem to keep me afloat at times. and their voices seem like whispers because of the noise around me. i wish they were louder.

at times it seems like life is just a bit stronger than you. like it just had a board meeting and decided that it's going to attack you today. and it really sucks when all of the wounds of inadequacy, fear, and hopelessness are raw and fresh.

but somehow, tomorrow happens. and then the next day. and then the next. we survive. gohan survives. i survive.

i survive, but i don't think i'm thriving. and that becomes too big a price to pay.

my prayer is that one day the right voices are the loudest ones to me.

Faith in Things, or Faith in CHRIST?

as a student in divinity school, you hear all types of ideas and thoughts. but contrary to popular belief, it's not the ideas that are the most jarring. it is the questions.

-how can we say that god is love if he willing throws someone in hell forever?

-how do we defend using an out-dated, patriarchal, corrupted document to base your faith on?

-why does god's love seem to be based on conditions and stipulations?

-why do you call god a "he"? 

questions never bothered me too much. even when i was new in my faith, my belief in jesus wasn't attached to "things." it was attached to the understanding that something was out there that was huge, yet small and concerned enough to love me. i didn't have tons of indoctrination discipleship that bogged me down. i made it through undergraduate classes about religion unscathed, simply because the issues that were being discussed had nothing to do with my belief. 

i believed in a person, not simply principles. principles are important, but they don't trump the presence of a person. would you prefer to simply believe in the principles of marriage, important as they are, or actually have one? it didn't matter if paul didn't really write something, or if there was a dispute over this part of the bible. it didn't have an impact on my life with jesus. 

that's not the case for countless others, unfortunately. we are consistently taught to place faith in things before the person of Jesus Christ. that's bad. why? because one of two things will happen: 1.) i will become dogmatic to the point that anyone who disagrees with me is clearly a stupid hell-bound sinner, or 2.) when the reality of certain topics concerning christianity come to light, their faith is shattered. 

it is so dangerous to only have faith because of the "things" of the faith. your bible, your church, your denomination...there is a way for me to take it ALL away. but if you really know christ, that can't be taken from you.

for example, i'll say this:

the only reason i adhere to the bible is because i believe in christ. i'm convinced that the evidence FOR jesus' resurrection is convincing enough to bring me to faith. and jesus pointed to scripture (the old testament) as the story he emerges from, and the new testament is composed largely by the folks who were first deeply influenced by his message and had the best place to tell what he was like. history and research (contrary to popular belief and the da vinci code) show that these documents are very reliable. 

i don't believe the inverse of that statement; i don't believe in jesus because he's in the bible. using the bible to prove that jesus is god may be cool...if you already believe in the inspiration of the bible. but that's like defining a word and using the word in the definition.

q: what is a house?

a: house (definition) a house is a house. because the house said so.

if that happened on a vocabulary test in third grade, you would fail. 

honestly, if that is the view, it gives other religions more claim to be on equal standing. what makes our stuff so special if i can just point to page 547 to prove my point? they can just turn to page 329 in their book to refute my point. i mean, honestly, how many other things do you believe just because it says, "believe me?" 

and the merry go around continues. 

now, this is isn't to say that we shouldn't have faith in things at all. i just believe that it should be properly placed. clearly i have faith in the bible because i read it, study it, and apply the principles to my life. but the reality of christ is what points me to the scriptures, not the other way around. i have what greg boyd would call a "christ centered faith." do i have certain theological views and doctrines that i believe in and hold to? yes. however, they don't weigh as heavily as my belief in what jesus did on the cross. 

"for i resolved to know nothing while i was among you except jesus christ and him crucified." 1 corinthians 2:2

Accommodating a Special Guest

this post might be a little on the spooky side, but it's good to have our cages rattled once and a while. 


when i pray, god talks to me by using images with words. i think that's because god knows that ultimately i'm a big kid that loves story time too much. here's something cool that i got yesterday, so i'll share. 



during prayer time, i image the same pool that i usually do. just a pool of god's love, grace, and mercy. usually, i just jump into this pool and i stay there. this helps ground me so my mind isn't jumping everywhere while i'm praying.

this time was different. when i jumped in the pool, i was immediately thrown back on the shore. i was shocked, because this was MY imagination! this isn't how the story is suppose to go. who gets the shaft in their own story?

then i heard a voice. "you can't just jump in here!"the voice seemed a little agitated. "you can't just use me to feel better!" the voice seemed full of emotion, yet in perfect control. then after a while, i realized that the voice was god.

i just stood there, quiet. confused and slightly dazed in the confides of my own imagination. my prayer and meditation time had been hijacked! this isn't how i planned for it to go.

god started speaking again. "i want a relationship with you! not simply this 'jump in the pool' stuff! that's the condition for you getting this water."

i thought for a while, and then i said. "okay. yes, god. all of me, and all of you."

all of a sudden, it was like all the water in the pool jumped out at once. it was like a tsunami. the waves just kept coming and coming. the water seemed to be endless, which would make sense since it represented god's love, mercy, and grace. the waters covered everything that i could see. but strangely enough, the destruction wasn't terrible. i couldn't even call it destruction. it was like the waters simply encompassed everything. it didn't destroy anything; it consumed it.

when the waves stopped, i was left sitting on the ground. suddenly, fire began to break out. the flames extended just as far as the water: everywhere. the fire was the same as the water in that it didn't seem to destroy. it just consumed. the fire was intense and uncomfortable, but at the same time calm and serene. there was no smoke.

then, a cool breeze blew over everything, quelling the flames. the wind was so soothing, like a balm to the soul. as i looked around, after the waters, and the flames, and the breeze, there was nothing left but me and god.

"no more will you have this lake," god said. "it is now a river. and what you saw where the stages of my love. first, i wash. then, i cleanse with a fire. the fire part is difficult for most, because it consumes relentlessly. but if you and my others would hold on during this part, you would see some awesome things.

"even in the midst of the flames i send my soothing wind. just let go. let me do what i need to do in you. i want to stay, so let me renovate! as much as i love you, i must make your life a suitable place for me. it's only fair to accommodate an esteemed guest. that's what i did for you when i sent my son, jesus. i prepared a place for an esteemed guest...YOU!"

god paused for a second. then he spoke again. the last words he spoke gripped me.





"oh, that someone would return the favor!"

extremely honest post about p0rn that you'll want to avoid unless you have issues with it yourself

p0rn is an epidemic. no country makes more than the US. if california does break off and fall into the sea, it'll probably be because the weight of all the p0rn studios in the state. i'm sure there are at least 124, 234, 572, 583, 293 metric tons of p0rn dvd, tapes, and video stores with black curtains. more than enough to sink a state.

you'd be hard pressed to find a male in this society that hasn't been somehow been affected by it. especially in the church.

i think people are trying to do things about that. but i think there is an aspect that we are missing.

let's just get this out of the way. is it a sin? YES. and i think it's a sin for numerous reasons, so if you disagree with the whole sexual immorality piece there's still plenty more reasons in my opinion. and on a base level, ANYTHING can become a sin when it has the power to dictate your life. and for lots of people, p0rn isn't just an annoying habit. if you can't say NO to something...then there's a problem.

with that said, i think that we fail to realize that sin of this nature very often becomes an ADDICTION. an addiction on par with alcoholism, drugs, etc. it's not as easy as just "walking away."for most of the people involved with it, if they could just walk away they would. we treat it like a spirit. and we do everything we can to pray it away so that we can be better christians.

the only problem is, that rarely works. too many times our purpose in prayer is to avoid responsibility when the true power of prayer is to empower you to make a difference.

how do i know this? because that's been my experience. i've been in AWFUL situations because of p0rn. awful. embarrassing. incriminating. oh, and silly, too. and why and i'm being so honest? because i want the stigma to be gone for others so that they'll do what it takes to get free. we all have failings. bring them to light and move forward.

i don't think i'll EVER be able to fully say that i've mastered it. i will get better at saying "no," but will i be out of the woods? who knows. for years and years and years it's been a part of my life. i used it get me through rough times, sad times, lonely times. it was my drug. when times were too rough, i used it to literally "knock me out." yes, the post-binge nap that comes after watching whatever you found. and yes, those were some bomb naps. but they came at an expensive price. and my issues were still there.

in our strive to be holy, i think we've neglected the fact that our body has chemicals and a brain that's wired to work a certain way. the only reason that you continually do something is that you get something from it, right? at the basic level, humans are very efficient creatures. you do this for a reason. and on some level it helps, albeit temporarily.

your body is like. "i feel bad."

so your brain is like, "let's get something to make ourselves feel better."

you happen to pick a sexual outlet...and then the rush of endorphins and dopamine give you a high. so your body is like, "the next time we feel bad, LET'S DO THAT!"

repeat that cycle often enough and you've developed a way to cope with situations. it's how you make it through. i think in the battle to help people with this issue that we need to move into this area. no, it's not always some big scary demon that needs to be cast out. it's a person with a strong addiction. this requires a change in thought process. prayer can help with that.

to be honest, most of the super spiritual stuff didn't work for me (note: it may work for YOU, but not for me. and my assumption is that it doesn't work for a lot of folks or we wouldn't be having this conversation). what helped make a difference is when i stopped trying to avoid my urges and issues. when i felt how i did, i confronted the issue, found a replacement, and began getting to the root of why i felt like i did. the more i did that, the weaker p0rn's grip was on me. i had other options. i got the release or connection that i needed in a healthy way, one that allows me to honor god and not pull myself through the slop.

i found that i was the most vulnerable when i felt one of these ways:

Bored or burned out
Lonely
Angry, apathetic, or afraid
Sad
Tired

when i feel like that, i'm about as strong as a wet noodle. resisting doesn't help me when i'm in that mode. i honestly CAN'T resist. the pull of the habit that i've created is too strong for me to stay out of. but instead of gritting my teeth and saying seven "hail marys," i've learned to engage that feeling instead.

i say this to myself:

"yo, dell. you are tired. and i know you need a way to go to sleep. but you don't have to do THAT. just relax. calm down and you'll go to sleep just fine. besides, you know if you go down this road you'll be on it for at least three days. when you step through this door, you give up control. don't do that. you don't have to."

it's amazing how you can learn to talk yourself off a ledge with practice. now, am i saying that prayer and all the other stuff is bad? of course not. prayer and meditation is definitely a part of how i just overall live my life. but i think it's foolish to ignore how god made us when that very knowledge could be what makes us free.

feel free to message me if you want to rap. at times people feel alone in it. doing away with that feeling makes it a little easier.

YOU OWE ME

you owe the world a debt. yes, you.

you must be exactly who you are. if you don't, we'll miss out. because there will never be another you in existence, EVER.

you sprang into being at this time, around these people, with these traits, for a reason. don't cheat us out of  experiencing you just because you want to be like everyone else.

here's a tip. BEING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS OVERRATED.

don't trade what is common for what is priceless.

now trust me, i understand how difficult this is to believe. i struggle believe it too. but it's true.
truth is worth fighting for.

that is all.

I ACHIEVED NIRVANA! (no not really but i did wash all my laundry)

i did something last week that proves that i'm better than you at life AND that i'm the next step in human evolution.







i washed AND folded all of my laundry. in the same day.

nope, i'm not lying.

don't look at me like that! you know how close to humanly impossible that feat is! if this were a greek myth i would be on my way to mt. olympus right now to sit amongst the gods. i'm sure that washing and folding laundry in the same day was in the unedited version of hercules' 12 trials or something.

c'mon, let's be honest. most of the time laundry is like a a festival in the old testament. it takes days of preparation, reflection, prayer, and the threat of plagues and destruction if you don't comply. here's how it goes:

wednesday: hmm...there are more clothes in my hamper than in my closet. should i wash some clothes?

saturday: wow. i'm running out of clothes.

tuesday: okay...no more clothes. what should i do?

what happens next depends on the circumstances. if you are of means (see: high maintenance and/or lazy), you'll just run to the nearest target and buy more clothes. this extends the clothes washing festival by at least a week. if that doesn't describe you, then other factors matter. do you need quarters? is the washing machine too small? these are important things.)

tuesday night: i'm washing clothes...the first of 2304858229593 loads that i need to wash.
(wait, i shouldn't say "i'm" i should say "you" because i've ascended past this novice level now. i want to be CLEAR that we aren't talking about me but what YOU and the other mortals do.) the wash ends and you hear the buzzer, but you fall asleep...

wednesday morning: you put clothes in dryer for the shortest amount of time possible so that you'll at least have clothes for work.

wednesday night: you put clothes in dryer with two dryer sheets to get rid of the wet smell.

this cycle repeats for about a week. that is, until you realize that all the clothes you cleaned are now dirty again. and if you bought clothes to make up for it those clothes are dirty now too. so you have MORE clothes to wash.

this should make it clear just how awesome i am. i did all of that in the span of THREE HOURS. 50 pounds of clothes...all washed. i'm sure this earns me points in every religion. i mean, this is just a notch below turing water to wine.

now, this massive output of awesome power had its drawbacks. after bragging about it to my friend shaderi, i told her that i wasn't able to perform any normal feats of adulthood for a week. i slept through every alarm. all i ate for dinner for the rest of the week was cheese, cereal, and cool whip. and i'm certain that instead of answering a question on my philosophy exam that i drew smiley faces. oh, and when someone asked me what my future plans where, i just said "lettuce."

but guess what? it's okay. because i did something totally awesome. i'm still adjusting to using my new superpowers. you call it trifling. i call it a VACATION FOR BEING GREAT.

and for my next trick, i'll get my things ready the day before i need to!