i love you

about me: once in a while i write poetry. i was feeling all poetry like so i decided to write something.

i love you.

i've said this many times before. with a smile on my face and a glint in my eye.

your eyes returned the favor.

your smile acknowledged that you didn't just agree with what i was saying. you trusted my words.

you know that i love you.

but that isn't enough for me. there's a gap that i wish i could cross in our experience of each other.

i don't want you to know that i love you.



i want you to feel it.



i wish you could step into me just for a second so you could know how intense my love is for you. my love for you is at times bigger than me. larger than the sum of all that comprises me. it's beyond involuntary...it's a reaction to the reality of your existence.

your existence mines the depths of my being, causing pure energy to flow. it is love. it converts want into must and choice into destiny. somehow this love exercises divine power, forcing me to give my all in ways that i never imaged.

but i can't. my wish can't come true.

so for right now the best i can do is look you in the eyes and tell you that i love you.

BOOM! POW! SMASH!

i'm a man of many shades and features. one feature that i'm realizing again about myself is that i'm a bit of a bruiser. yes, me. the somewhat reserved, "quiet," (i laugh every time someone thinks i'm quiet), nice guy. i like to break things. i like to hit things. A LOT.

if i could, i would probably respond to most situations and problems like this:

!!!!!HULK SMASH!!!!!

why sit and talk about it? JUST HIT IT! blow it up, knock it out, hit it 'til it stops moving!

i love the sound that is created when something is struck just right. and i love to see the object that was struck (whether it's a ball, a wall, or a person) hurtling back from the impact.

i think i was always like this. when i was a toddler, my mom said that i used to drop items on different surfaces to see what sound they would make. i liked to run around with shoes that made noise. i preferred to bang on pots over playing with toys. my dad said that i was pretty good at hitting a ball when i was young, too. i guess i had really good hand eye coordination.

i guess that's why my favorite sports are tennis and tae kwon do. they are individual sports (i love the challenge of figuring it out myself) and you have to hit things with an appropriate balance of power and precision. so, why no football you ask? first off, my dad wasn't crazy about me playing. i was a little small for my age and i honestly didn't really begin to fill out until college, so this sudden "big manness" is a little recent. but also, i can't blast a hole through your chest in football. i can tackle and run into folks. boo. that's not better than kicking someone to me.

but there's something about flying and spinning through the air, and then kicking someone or something across the room that just makes my day a great one! or the thrill of throwing a little greenish-yellow ball in the air and hitting it at 100mph toward another person. it's just a bunch of fun to me!

but don't worry. i'm really harmless. :-)

A Defendable Faith

version 4 is doing these video blogs. in the latest one, he talks about a conversation that he and i had a few days ago. it went a little something like this:

me: why are you doing this? (about 60% of our conversations begin with me saying this to him.)

version 4: because.......(insert me holding my breath because he only said "because" and i wanted a real answer)........i like discussing these topics about christianity. (insert sigh of relief because i got a real answer).

me: you know this is going to get you in trouble at some point.

version 4: you know i don't care about getting in trouble. but why do you think i'm going to get in trouble?

me: because of the questions you're asking. most christians either aren't prepared to answer them or are taught to fight against them. the average christian really isn't informed about these topics the way you and i are (context: i'm in my 3rd year of seminary and he's starting his 1st).

version 4 took the phrase "average christian" and went in one direction with his blog. it made me do some reflection. why do christians get in an uproar when someone asks a question about the bible, or why we should trust jesus? why is every question that requests valid information about the faith met with an answer that is either simplistic or filled with disdain? here's an example:

the heathen: why do you believe in the bible?
the saint: because it's god's word.
the heathen: wait, how do we know that it's god's word? what evidence do we have for that?
the saint: because the bible says that it's good for all instruction!

**stop the proverbial bus**

i remember having to learn vocabulary words in 3rd grade. one of the biggest rules was that you don't use the word you are defining in the definition. so, if i'm asked, "what is a dog?" i don't say..."A dog is a dog, because it's a dog." mrs. addleson would've marked that wrong.

well, that's what what plenty of people do with the bible, god, jesus, and other things that pertain to christianity. it really grieves me because those types of answers turn folks away. yes, faith is required. and i'm not saying that christianity needs to be converted to a solely intellectual exercise. i'm also not saying that we should change the faith to be more "palatable" for those who criticize it. however, i'd rather someone say no to christ because they choose not to believe, not because we give a sub par answer.

i believe that certain areas require a different types of knowledge and understanding. some answers may work in some places. just admonishing someone to believe in christ based on your experience may be enough in a hospital room, or a street corner. but in a debate? or a research paper? no. it doesn't mean that the the scholarly enterprise is better. but it does demonstrate that we often don't have experience with others critiquing our arguments.

one of my biggest struggles with american christianity is that we are taught to have an aversion to knowledge. we urge people to go to college and pursue higher education. get all the knowledge you can...but DON'T take any classes on christianity while in school. they'll ruin your faith. meanwhile, we push people through our own pipelines of indoctrination education, which really ends up being a more in depth discussion of what you've been told every sunday morning. in a lot of these institutions, i wouldn't disagree with the endpoints of most of their views, but how they arrive there. it's not critical thought if i bash you once you disagree. that's not intellectual freedom.

by and large we aren't empowered to think critically about our faith, and we are limited in obtaining resources to help facilitate that thought. and we are losing people because of it. we are taught to think scientifically and critically about EVERY other aspect of our lives, but not our faith.

at this point, i can say that a passion of mine is discussing these issues. i sincerely believe that christianity is a rationally defendable faith. i must, because if i didn't, i wouldn't be a christian. i would've abandoned it.

i don't believe the bible just dropped out of the sky
i don't think that christian automatically equals republican
i actually don't think america was created as a strictly "christian" country as we perceive it now
i actually don't think it's cool to mistreat people who's life choices i theologically disagree with, even in the name of "holiness."

in my view, i'm a person that really shouldn't believe. i like facts, data, and rational thoughts. i'm a christian and i find it difficult to even listen to what some of my fellow believers say at times.
but i am a believer in the resurrection of christ. i've had an experience with god, then looked into the evidence, and found the evidence to be consistent with my experience.

my heart and my head are in agreement. but i believe that's what god always wanted.

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37


here's a two clips that inspire me. the first one is of ravi zacharias discussing the issues with american christianity.

the second is tom wright giving a message to the next generation:

Bonfire for Jesus!

at various times in my walk with christ, one could say that i was "on fire." you know, that time when god is the most real thing to you. when you'd rather pray than eat. when you threw out every non-christian cd you had. when the words of the bible jumped right off the page.

early on, i didn't quite get the lingo, this "being on fire for god" thing. even when i was very little i had an aversion to religious language. yes, i wanted to be close to god, but on fire? the idea left some interesting images in my mind. if i was on fire, would there be smoke? because, you know, where there's fire smoke is there, too. and since i could assume that it was a holy fire, does that mean there will be holy smoke? is that the same smoke that filled the jewish temple? do i have to stop, drop, and roll to avoid this smoke? would it be appropriate to sing "breathe" when this type of smoke appeared? these are all important questions.

perhaps the fire was spontaneous and uncontrollable. i didn't want to risk being a hazard. so i considered getting on of these for my window.

a holy tot-finder! just in case this child of god gets "too hot." 

but then i thought it could be a negative thing. is this whole "on fire" business passionate love for god...or is it a punishment? because a lot of people seem like they are in pain when they are on fire, naturally AND spiritually. some folks seemed depressed, angry, and convinced that god is a just one sin away from blowing everyone away. and that seems more like a curse than a blessing. so, being the pop-culture person that i am, i could only think of god doing something like this:

clearly, that is something i would like to avoid. my humanity is kind of attuned to avoid things like fire, destruction, and other things that kill and char to the bone. i like that part about me. i mean, that's the reason i look both ways to cross the street.

as i journeyed along my walk with christ, i sincerely have experienced times when i was "on fire." those were good times. times of growth and times of power. the problem with fires though...is that they consume stuff. and after that, they go out. at various times i found myself trying to get my "fire" back (which is a little like getting your sexy back, but with less skin and more prayer). 

however, i've learned that passion doesn't always equate emotion. it's what grips you. it's what motivates you. it's what you will do when you're tired. i want that passion for god...and i think i have it. at various times there will be emotion behind it, sometimes there won't be. 

what i also realized is that my fire hasn't necessarily  simmered down. it's been tempered with WISDOM. zeal without wisdom is incredibly dangerous, and that's why a lot of young believers fizzle out. they just go full steam ahead and they flame out because of a lack of understanding about god, life, and themselves. i still like to take risks for god, i've just learned from my mistakes.

i think that being "on fire" at times has become a christian fad. it's the cool thing to do and be. but in my view, being on fire looks more like a personality type than an expression of god being alive in someone.

being on fire looks like this:

or like this:

but not like this...

Black men don't do this. It's too quiet. (note the sarcasm)

and most certainly not like this...

those last two pictures detail how i experience god in the most clear, precise way. it doesn't mean that the other expressions are bad, but if that's all being on fire for god is then i don't stand a chance. 

and neither do other folks who don't express themselves like that. i believe that god has created each of us uniquely to express various aspects of who god is. when you flow in that vein, the vein of who god created YOU to be, that's your personal fire.

when it's all said and done, i prefer to leave religious language like "on fire" behind. it's challenging to do, but it's a goal nonetheless. i say, just get to the point of it all. 

love god.

the end. 

What To Say...What To Write: A Reflection on Writer's Cramp

hello world. have you missed me?

my blogging has been no where near as consistent as i'd like it to be. quite honestly, i just don't know what to say. and it's not that i don't have things to talk about. it's the fact that i do my best to be a calculated speaker and writer. if i can't say what i want with the precision that i want i tend to be quiet. for the most part, if i say it, that is EXACTLY what i mean.

problem is, even if i mean it, what i'm saying or writing may not be right. while feelings are authentic, feelings are a byproduct of our own personal realities. and those personal realities may or may not be based on truth. i need time to reflect, process, and bounce my own thoughts around my head. what are my thoughts and feelings based on? how close is this to Truth?

also, i don't want to be mr. angry all the time. i realized recently that i point out a lot of things that are wrong, or things that i have issues with. i don't want my blog to be about just that. i want to blog about things that are right. things that are good. pleasant things. funny things.

i don't have writer's block. that occurs when you don't know what to say. what i really have is writer's cramp, a condition that occurs from using your brain too much without letting it breathe. and yes, i just made that term up. if you use it without my permission, whatever you're working on will spontaneously combust.

hopefully, the time away has given me some time to reflect, pray, and gather my thoughts in such a way that i can crank out some more goodness. i have some more blogs in the works, and it will be a combination of humor, discussion, and serious topics. stay tuned!

here's what you can look forward to:

• i'll be doing a tribute to some of my closest friends. i love to honor people and this will hopefully be a way to say "thank you for being a friend!"
• humorous discussions concerning the randomness that my friends and i usually encounter.
• oh, and of course the theological/bible discussions

thanks for reading! and as always...feel free to comment!

and since we're on that topic, is there anything that you would like to see me write about?

Is Your Theology Blocking the Cross?

doctrine seems to be a buzz word now.

i mean, it was always important. rightfully so. it's just that i think we have taken it too far.

reformed. cogic. baptist. episcopalian. vineyard. charismatic. non-denominational with a bapticostal twist. we all have come into the faith via various streams or patterns of thought. at some point we probably changed or amended some of our beliefs. but at some point i think it gets in the way of jesus.

in my reading and study so far, i don't see predestination as a major arguing point of jesus or any of the apostles. nor do i see lines being drawn in the sand over whether or not someone speaks in tongues. i DO see paul's continued issues with the judasizers (folks that wanted christians to conform to jewish rites) throughout his writings, particularly in the book galatians where it reaches a high point. but that issue was more than likely his "thorn" in my opinion so that was to be expected.

but these prolonged "discussions" (read: debates) that we tend to have? for real? are they necessary? one time, i saw several editions of a work created solely to disprove spiritual gifts. please, sir. i KNOW there is someone of more value in the kingdom than that.

there are some christian ideas and theology that i strongly disagree with. and there is someone out there that disagrees with me. but if these differences are over non-essential things, does it matter?

to me, this is sound doctrine: jesus died and rose again so that i can be reconciled with god. 

BAM.

THAT'S IT.

ALL DONE.

that comprises the very heart of my belief. if you take that out, i have nothing. now, there are other issues and topics that i think are very important. if you here me talk or minister for any length of time, you'll here bits and parallels that sound an awful lot like folks from the toronto blessing (look it up). folks like bill johnson, randy clark, and jill austin were major influences on my faith in the 2006-2008 period. i may not agree 100% with everything they say, but their teachings have positively influenced my life and caused growth.

but i dare not place my theological leanings, regardless of how "christian" or "orthodox" they may seem, in front of the cross. 

sometimes i don't think we even realize it. it's like people have buttons made or something.

"COGIC TIL I DIE!"

"BAPTIST OR BUST!"

"I DIDN'T CHOOSE REFORMED, GOD CHOSE IT FOR ME!"

oh, and i guess non-denominational is the ralph nader of the bunch.

but anyways, i say all of that to say this: have your points, have your theology, have your disagreements. that's fine...and healthy. just don't put your ideas in front of the cross. without realizing it, i think we block the view of jesus with all of our christian stuff, the perhaps important, but non-essential issues that we tout around.

besides, i take a cue from bill johnson in defining theology:

"Jesus is Perfect Theology."


by the way: here is a video with another one of my favorites, greg boyd. he's talking about non-negotiable truths and what those are.

osama's death: joy or sorrow (a decision)

on september 11, 2001, i was a college freshman at rutgers university. i was writing a paper for most of the day. this was before the advent of social media, so i wasn't aware of the terror taking place  45 minutes north of me. however, i did notice when people saw planes flying overhead and ducked, concerned about what could happen next.


terror fell out of the sky. people were killed that day. life would never the same.


sunday night, 5/1/2011, osama bin laden was killed in a military attack. ten years later, the man deemed responsible for the 9/11 attack was dead.


but was this justice?


numerous thoughts ran through my head. as you may or may not know, i'm a fan of theme songs. theme songs tend to be the soundtrack of my life. so the first thought to pop in my head was "ding dong the witch is dead." and that's fair, right? i mean, osama was the equivalent to the boogeyman! he was the antecedent to antoine dodson, as the news reports about osama caused us to "hide our kids!" because, at any moment, osama would jump through ours windows and start snatchin' all our people up.


so it's good that he's dead, right?


then, other feelings began to surface. i remembered osama's humanity. he was loved. he hurt. he bled. he had family. as a christian, should i celebrate this man's death?


and then the other issues came up that i saw other christians discuss. it appeared that they were thinking as well, but it was in a different way. thoughts of the old testament rang in one ear, and the love of Christ beckoned in another. do we laud the victory of the warrior god yahweh, or allow of the love of christ to make us mourn even this death? vengeance belongs to god, right? was this god getting revenge on a idol worshipping killer that murdered so many christians?


**as if everyone in the towers was a believer, and as if every muslim is a killer** -___-


i came to the conclusion that i shouldn't be happy that osama is dead. he did awful things, and personally, i would have preferred for him to stand trial. but i just can't glory in death, even of someone who many of us would consider to be wicked.


and here's why...


"Say to them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, people of Israel?’" Ezekiel 33:11


Jesus is all about life. he has so much of it that he just wants to give it away, and he consistently gives it to folks that we would never give it to. 


i don't think that god is pleased with osama's death. and i say that with the understanding that there are folks who lost loved ones on 9/11. i don't say this to diminish the reliving of the pain from that day or to judge the joy they may feel from osama's death. if i had a loved one that was killed in all of that mess i just might feel a bit differently at the moment.


but i hope that in the end...i would come back to ezekiel 33:11.