many parts

i'm a multi-faceted person.

i'm just beginning to embrace that.  at times it's difficult for me to.  in my various roles and responsibilities in life (president, dean, student, son, brother, etc.), at times i find it hard to turn them all off.  or they bleed into one another.  being the president when i would be the son.  acting like a brother when i should be the dean.

i guess maturity helps bring all that together.  however, i think for me it's an added kick:  i see everything all at once. 

i process stuff on a deep level w/o trying.  when it comes to reading, perceiving, or hearing, what other people strain to do i do naturally.  for example, if we both look at a yard in front of a house, you might see a lawn.  i'll see a lawn, but i'll also see all 13,593 blades of grass.  i'll notice the ones that are blowing in opposite directions.  it's not that i perceive better...i just perceive deeper, faster.

it's cool when it comes to being analytical or in situations where you need to keep your wits about you.  unfortunately, it can wear you out.  that's why i usually don't like large crowds at concerts or the like.  i'm taking it all in and it frazzles my system. 

i'm still in process of getting all the pieces together so they won't run into each other.  but what i'm realizing is that some parts are becoming more important to me than others...

Love pt. 2

"you know, that this point in your life you'll probably need to meet someone that sees your heart." Mom

My mother said that to me a couple of years ago.  It popped up in my mind again.  A while back I wrote a post on love and my feelings concerning it.  I guess you can consider this part two of it.

Anyways, I think my mother is right.  The reality is, I probably just don't have a lot of the stuff that Christian women are looking for, and by that I mean the entire package.  I'm a nice guy.  I'm romantic, thoughtful, caring, all the cool stuff.  However, I'm also a grad student with not much to my name.  I'm a full time student with a very part time job.  I don't have a car.  I don't have my own apartment.  

The reality is that I think at times I would get passed over because I don't have the trappings. 

Now, I'm not saying to date scrubs.  Oh, no.  You need to have a plan, some goals, aspirations.  But, sometimes even with all of that, you don't have everything you want at the moment.  There are a ton of people that have their plans "in progress" that don't have it all the way together yet, but they are in that press.  I do think that places me off the market in some ladies' eyes.  I really do.  Do I think it's shallow?  Not really.  But it gets interesting when people say there are no men around and then they have a long list of criteria.

Like I said in my other post about love, I have my goals.  I want to get my Masters of Divinity and eventually my Doctorate.  I want to become a solid Christian leader that pushes things forward for God.  The person that is for me will understand that.  I don't have all the other stuff that some people my age do (i.e. their own places, cars, money, etc.).  I just have the drive to pursue what I believe to be the calling of God in and on my life.  


So, am I pressed?  Eh, not really.  Although it's been on my mind the past few days.  I don't know why.  Since it's on my heart so much, I guess I'll pray about it.  But I guess this part of the Love series ends at the same place that my first one did:  I've got to pursue my dreams.  If I meet the love of my life and don't accomplish this stuff...then I'll feel unfulfilled.  


Until then, I'll be the groomsman and never the groom.  The friend like none other instead of the boyfriend.  The third wheel.  Sometimes I wonder if it will happen for me.  But, I keep pressing for the stuff that's right in front of me.  There's just too much to smile about to stay sad about it for long :-)

quiet and peace :-)

i just have a need to be quiet.

i'm sitting here typing this blog as a break from doing homework.  i'm current in delaware at the MAR retreat with ANQ.  i'm pretty sure that it's going to be great.  however, for a large chunk of friday night i've decided to sit here with my trusty laptop and crank out some much needed homework, since i have my first round of exams due this coming week.  i know that i won't get anything done tomorrow or sunday, so i needed to steal this time.

i actually did make some progress, which is good.  i started my case study and i have a pretty solid outline for my short essay in another class.  it was a good move for me to come up here and do some work.  however, i must admit that i enjoy the quiet.  i just need quiet sometimes.  peace is actually more like it.  just to connect, reflect, and rejuvenate.  with god and myself. especially if i have a day where it was filled with all types of stimuli (like today), i really just need the chance to breathe. 

at some point today (since i'm sure people won't be going to sleep), i'll reconnect with everyone.  but i know at some point my room will be filled with random conversations, pseudo-arguments, and other stimuli that i consistently have trouble blocking out. and that i probably could care less about since i've probably heard it all before. so for now i'll just enjoy the peace and smile :-)  and maybe do a little more of this work.

forgive? sure! forget? not so much...

apologies have lost their punch with me.

at best, they only serve as the verbal acknowledgment that someone did something wrong.  it's an admission of wrong doing, and i guess that's fine.

in my short life i've come to understand this:  you must always forgive, but you don't necessarily have to forget.

forgiveness is for you and your relationship w/ god.  god always forgives us, so we shouldn't hold people prisoner either.  forgiveness frees you from having to deal with holding someone hostage forever.  whether or not the person admits their wrong, let it go.  never be a bill collector for a tab that someone else doesn't want to pay.

however, repentance is where a true heart change is seen.  forgiveness is essential; forgetting only happens when a change occurs.  it's the same thing with god.  to progress in our relationship we can't just stop at forgiveness but we must actually REPENT.  you must forgive, but if they don't change their ways, DON'T FORGET! don't be silly and drop your guard, lest you be run over again!  give people a chance, sure...but after a while you'll see where people are.  don't hate them...but don't forget. 

at least...i don't forget.  and in this particular situation where someone's given yet another apology...i'm reminded of the fact that i've seen no visible change.  i accept the apology...i guess.  but it's the same old song.  i've heard "i'm sorry" about this at least eight separate times.  the words just don't have an effect on me. i forgive you...i love you...and you don't have to prove anything to me...but i haven't forgotten.  you haven't done anything to make me forget.

well...maybe you do have to prove it to me. 

Me Monday: I'm Competitive

this will be the first "me monday."  what is "me monday," you ask?  it's a time where i share something about myself and give my readers a little insight to who i am.

this "me monday," i'll be talking about something that many people might not know about me:  i'm competitive.  extremely competitive.  i'm competitive in mario bros., uno, tennis, spades, coloring, cooking, breathing, etc. 

now, this competiveness doesn't always show itself.  i have this clark kent mentality (i'll talk about that on the next "me monday") that usually causes me to conceal my full potential for fear of being "found out."  also, i don't necessarly like to crush people.  sometimes i do, if someone beat me the last time. but mostly if i turn it on it's just that i want to play my people. 

i think i always was.  i don't really know where it came from.  i can't even remember when i finally realized it.  i like to win, sure, but more than that i think that i always like to do my very best.  and then exceed my very best.  and then exceed that.  it just so happens that when i do that, i win! yay!

maybe it first happened with martial arts.  i can vividly remember the weekend after i took my first class.  i went outside and practiced for at least two hours.  and i only knew three moves:  a high block, inner forearm block, and a front kick.  consequently, i think those are some of the moves that my technique is the best on.

my competitive nature really came out when i started playing tennis.  i simply MUST win every point. obviously, i don't, but if i could find a way to i would. 

ultimately, i guess that it's just a drive to be the very best that i can be.  more times than not, i'm not competing against the other person.  the other person is only a wall to climb to reach new heights and depths.   in high school, a good friend and i where the top two students.  it was so close that it would flucuate from week to week.  but i wanted the top spot.  so i went to work and snagged it.  it's just what i have the ability to do.

i believe that i have a wealth of untapped potential...and i'm doing my best to get every drop.

the people behind the counter

i was in mcdonalds today, for the millionth time this week (that's another story).  it was lunch time, so it was pretty busy.  this mickey d's in smack dab in the hood, so there are always some interesting characters.  it's just that at this time all the characters come at the same time.

the people working behind the counter where all of latin desent.  the gentleman that i placed my order with was clearly new at his job and speaking english.  it took a while to place my order, and i was ready to leave.  while i'd be lying to say that i wasn't bothered, i usually remember that they probably feel way worse than i do.

my heart goes out to them, those people behind the counter.  they have to work hard, so hard!  i mean, mickey d's isn't exactly first rate employment.  they are doing what they have to do to survive.  what makes it worse is when people start yelling and being rude to them.  i hate to watch it.  makes me sad.  i wonder if they have dreams, and if so, will they ever be fulfilled? 

what i notice is that a lot of the people that are yelling at the people behind the counter are really in the same position.  it's just that english is their first language (but they don't speak it any better).  they all actually have a lot in common.  i wonder if they have dreams, too.  i also wonder if they have the ability to dream.  maybe the power to dream has died, suffocated by the grim circumstances of life and oppression. 

after watching the people behind the counter...stuck...i thought about myself.  i was/am stuck behind the counter, too.  trapped in a position where abuse is the norm because i don't have the wherewithall to do better.  doesn't make me a bad person...but i am an unequipped person.  or should i say, not using the equipment that i have to deal with my situation.

i'm tired of seeing those people get screamed at.  i'm tired of the bondages of my life screaming at me.  time to dream.  i'm coming from behind the counter. 

Get Over It!!!

This week as been a bit of a tailspin.

If you read my last couple of posts, you'll know that I finally came to grips with the "a word": abuse. Even though I fought all these years not to call it that, the reality of it all is abuse it exactly what it was. It was very intense from about 3rd to maybe 8th grade.

I must admit that I acted out a lot. Did and said a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have. I didn't know how else to express the feelings that I had going on. No clue. I was angry that I was hurt constantly in such a way. Sad that so many years had been snatched from me. Confused at how I should move forward. Should I go to counseling? Am I just a messed up person now?

I decided to call my friend Allen. We've been friends since we where 10 and best friends since college. I told him all of it.

"May I say something that might be a little rude?" Allen asked.

"I guess," I replied. "Just don't tell me that I should pray or something." I couldn't care less about something that I didn't see as a remedy at the time.

"My question is," Allen said very matter-of-factly, "when are you going to get over it?"

I paused. Get over it? It all finally just came to me!

Allen began to explain. "Dude, the Verdell you are now is not the same person back then. You're bold, confident, strong. All the things that you shouldn't be. It happened to you back then, yes, but Romans 6 says that the old you died."

I was mad. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to be stuck in my strange array of emotions. I wanted to vent, lash out, and do whatever else I wanted. Anything but face the music. Quoting a scripture and standing on a promise is not something that my seminarian mind was grasping at the moment. If anything, it rejected it.

However, it was precisely the thing i needed to hear.

"Vee, you gotta let that stuff go. You aren't that person anymore. Believe God and move on."

So simple, yet so true.