"Why hello, limits. I didn't see you sitting there."

today is day 7 of the insanity workout for me.  it's been going well so far.  and yes, it really is insane.

i thought they were being a little extra when folks were saying that they were winded just getting through the warm-up.  how hard could that be, i thought to myself.

very hard, it seems.

i found myself gasping for breath for most of the 9 minute warm-up.  you do about 7 moves for about 45 seconds each.  then you do them all again...but faster.  and if that wasn't enough...you do the the circuit a third time...even faster.

i was dripping sweat in such a way that someone might've thought that i got caught in the rain.  i was pretty spent.  then i looked at the countdown clock on the screen.  20:46 left to go.  it really was just the warm-up.

i pushed on though.  all week.  falling.  screaming.  wondering why i was doing this.  then, something amazing happened.

I got through the warm-up without stopping.  

i was elated.  i climbed a mountain!  i was so proud of myself...until today.

the work-out almost destroyed me.  i got through the warm-up but the rest of the dvd i struggled through.  i had to press pause to collect what little of my self i could gather.  i was thoroughly humbled.  i had a front on collision with my limits...and they didn't give.

how rude!  it's like they just stood there in my way, those blasted limits!  didn't they see me coming?  then i realized that my limits where there all the time.  but, like a novice driver, i just ignored the realities and hit the gas.  but then i thought of how often i don't keep my own limits in view.  often, what i can do keeps me from what god will do in my life.  i have so many options.  so many choices.  the sky is limit.

it's not.  we all have limits...and i think once we realize that they are there, we won't crash into as often.  we'll be able to pump our breaks before we wreck ourselves.  but still approach those limits.  don't be afraid of them.  just allow god to take you pass them...or through them.  the whole limits thing was his idea anyway.

dell+no rest= danger

throughout the self-discovery journey that i've embarked upon these past few months, i've learned some really cool things about myself. i've also learned some interesting (i.e. not so cool) things as well.  i've learned more about what makes me tick, and that's what's really important.

one of the main things that keeps me going is SLEEP!  i need to have a consistent amount of rest.  if i don't, then i really get weak.  physically weak.  emotionally weak.  spiritually weak.  it's like all my defenses go down.  as i reflect back on some bad or impulsive choices that i've made, i realized that a good number of them took place when i was tired. 

i'm also much more suspectible to noise when i'm tired.  keep in mind, i hear most things that are going on around me anyway.  when i'm rested, i can tune a lot of stuff out.  but when i'm not, all the stimuli is too much.  bright sights, loud sounds...it's too much to handle.  that, in turn, causes me to be irritable.  and since i'm tired...the likelihood that i'll say something "colorful" increase exponentially. 

i cussed out my fried rice today (like, literally cussed out) because it fell on my bed (yes, it fell. all by itself).  that's when i realized that i should probably take a nap.

so many thoughts

i have so many thought rattling around in my head.  about seminary.  about god.  about church life.  about tennis.  about the insanity workout that i started.

i need to write a book.

for now, i guess that i'll just blog a little bit more.

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my checkpoints

today's lesson:  the decisions you make in life may not please everyone.  but your job ISN'T to please everyone.  it's to first do what god wants.  then be responsible to your obligations and/or things that need your direct attention.  after that...have a ball!!


this is what i try to remind myself as i move forward.  god is the first person that the filter goes through. are my decisions lined up with the word?  is there something that god wants to add to my thinking?  this step can (and usually does) involve asking folks that know me and can speak into my life.


once we pass that level, i tend to make sure that my actions aren't going to directly impact someone for the worst.  just because i can do something, doesn't mean that it's the best thing to do.  or the best time to do.  or the best place.  even if god said "go to africa," i can't just leave my job w/o two weeks notice, or preach all the time w/o talking to my family.  if my house is in order, great.  if not, how can i arrange myself so that i can make my move with the minimum amount of damage around me.


after that...i'm done.  god has been consulted.  wisdom has been sought and implemented from the correct folks.  responsibilities handled.  time to do what i've decided.  whatever that is.  

two miles in the shoes of a man

"two miles? you'll walk two miles in the snow?" there was a healthy degree of an "are you crazy" tone in my voice.

my friend looked at me and smiled.  "verdell...we're men.  we get things done."

i smiled, but it wasn't from happiness.  me smiling was an attempt to focus my energies elsewhere.  i never liked those masculine concepts of strength and might, the ones that quietly imply that women are not those things.  my friend wasn't being disrespectful or anything, but i'm always keen to notice stuff like that.  sometimes i'm probably too sensitive to it.

i thought to myself, why does that bother me? why do phrases like that tick me off?  i think there are a few reasons.  reason number one:  i was never one of the guys.  growing up i didn't play organized sports.  the time in the locker room before gym was usually hell for me.  i was really different than most of the guys i went to school with in terms of temperament and experience.  the fighting, the cursing, the sex talk...it was foreign to me.  and clearly i was foreign to them as well.  i never was in a position where "hyper masculinity" was encouraged or praised.  i was pretty calm.  happy.  

reason number two:  i've been blessed to be around some incredibly strong women.  my mother is still and probably always will be the standard of a woman for me.  she wasn't masculine, but she was strong. mentally and physically.  honestly she is still stronger in character (and probably in strength) then a lot of men i know.  my nanna, another strong woman.  she would look you in the eye and tell you the truth.  that isn't to mention my aunts and cousins.  the idea of the "little woman" just didn't exist in my world.

reason number three:  i never saw that image portrayed from my father.  i can't remember my dad verbally teaching me a whole lot.  but the older i get, the more i understand his example.  my dad always encouraged me to be myself.  he supported me in everything that i did.  he wanted me to be myself.  he offered to play basketball and football...i wanted books and drawing paper instead.  he gave it to me, and encouraged me.  when i wanted to do martial arts, he was my first teacher.  my father isn't a macho type of guy.  sarcastic (that's where i get it from), to the point, yes.  but i don't ever remember him puffing himself up  on the basis that he's "a man."  if anything, there was a dignity that he had about himself.  he respected himself and understood he abilities and obligations.  he always treated my mother with respect and as an equal. those images shaped me.

i ultimately do think that there are some base things that make a man different from a woman.  god himself was distinct in their creation.  however, when i look at jesus, i see a masculinity that we probably would classify as "weak" if the lord's name weren't attached to it.  jesus was in touch with his emotions.  he freely expressed joy, anger, and sadness, with tears! in fact, his greatest miracles happened either after he cried or "was moved with compassion."  he didn't beat his chest, but he got his strength from his heavenly father. but yet "men" shouldn't cry.  i find it remarkable how our how our theology and understanding of christ are easily veiled when it comes to things we hold dear, especially if we've let them define us (that goes for me too).  

Personal Theology

today in class my professor said something that got my interest:

"i'm happy that we don't kill each other today over differences in theology, but maybe we've gone too far to the other extreme.  it seems like we don't care about theology at all in our churches.  i hope as educated, trained ministers that you do better."

that rang some bells in me.  for the past few days i've realized how bad theology really gets on my nerves.  bad theology handicaps people in terms of growth.  i hate that too.

i think of theology as an explanation of how the whole god and man thing works.  how does god deal with man?  how does god respond to man? what should we expect from god? these are more are vital questions that we have to understand before we can say that our faith has any sort of coherent rhyme or reason.  now, my understandings and vocabulary are very green....so i'm no expert on this.  i guess this is a newfound interest of mine.  but my heart is really burdened by it, so i guess i'll talk about it for a while.

now of course, one could say "all that matters is that jesus died for you and loves you."  all the other stuff we argue and disagree about doesn't matter.  if you turn to the bible to prove your point, which you probably will, you've already displayed how important methodical theology is to you.  you just demonstrated that your theology places authority in the scripture contained in the 66 documents of the bible...that's how your whole god system works.

so often we place the idea of theology on the shelf.  we "do" theology everyday. we live it.  our actions are constantly detailing to the world around us how we think god works, who we think god is, and how god works in our lives.  these actions are usually what people see before they hear our words.  paul was correct when he said we are "living epistles."

as i reflect on myself and some common thoughts around me...i feel like my epistle needs an Editor!!!  i believe we should all do theology.  if at any point you discuss god with someone else...that is exactly what you are doing!  i'm not saying that we all need to become seminarians (although having more wouldn't hurt), but at what point do we think about what we believe? is our believe pattern actually logical to us?  clearly we can't hit every nail on the head, but are the basics clear?  and after that, do our own viewpoints actually help or harm?  Have you ever thought about what would happen if someone where to live your theology?

maybe i'll do a series or something.  but i'll give some bullet points to clarify.

here's what happens in my head when i think about various statements.

"God is punishing haiti because of their forefather's sins."
"well...if haiti is suffering because of god's judgment, what's the point of sending money?  wouldn't assisting people that have been condemned by god mean i'm going against his will?  plus, jesus didn't seem to care about that.  are thinking with old testament views?  but i thought we lived in the new testament!"  (note: i think mr. 700 club was dead wrong for saying that)

"i don't believe in praying for people to get well."
"well...if you don't believe in at least praying for sick people to be made well, then why go to a doctor?  if i ask god to heal me and nothing happens, god must want me to be sick.  going to the doctor is just getting in the way of his will, right?"  (note:  i'm definitely a believer that god heals today.  he's healed me, i've seen him heal others, and i've been blessed to pray and see others healed as well)

i didn't use those examples to insult anyone's personal beliefs (well, maybe the first one).  i just wanted to give a glimpse at what goes on in my head when i hear statements like that.  what i've realized is that a lot of times our personal theologies are just for us.  they are not lived with the intent of someone else seeing and emulating.   could someone else copy off of you and still get to jesus?  can your life direct someone to the Light?  what does your life point to?  tired, dry, and powerless rituals...or vibrant life in christ?  that's what i'm thinking about for my life, because a big part of my theology is that people need to see that christ means enough and is that dope enough to revolve my life around.