i've thought about it, and this is what i think.
i want to be the best ME.
i don't want to become the best thing that someone else thinks i should be, so then i can get their approval.
i don't want to be whack (and i'm not), but i also don't want to beat myself over the head becoming "marriage material" either. because what if i never get married? while i want to get married, it's a chance that it might not happen.
what then? i spent time making a nest for a bird that will never come home.
so, instead, i want to work on me. being the best me i can be. growing in character. growing in wisdom. because the best me is what the one for me would want anyway. and if they never come along, i can say that i've gotten a lot out of myself.
my name is verdell. i like cartoons. i'm a theology nerd. i love tennis. i eat breakfast food all the time. i'm a sucker for serials and other shows with an ongoing story. i'm a bid kid. i like superman.
oh, and i'm doing my best to walk like christ and demonstrate his character every day.
if that's not enough for you...that's too bad. it HAS to be enough for me.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Pass Me Not...
had another one of those pivotal convos with a very close friend today. we were sharing some things that were on our hearts. when i discussed my issues, he said he would think about what i said and then get back to me.
i told him that i feel like i'm consistently passed by as a person. i mean, i know people love me. but i feel like i'm never considered for much...i'm just "verdell." oh, that verdell, he'll have a word from god, and definition for the word you don't know, and even a good joke. but that's it. i told him that i routinely feel passed up by women, and that i feel guys don't respect me at all. "is there something i need to fix? am i doing something wrong?" i asked. "i really want to know...i just need some answers."
after thinking for a while, he called me back with some answers. "let me say this," he said. "i don't think you really need to change yourself. i think you are fine how you are. however, i do think there are some things that work against you."
"work against me?" i asked. "i'm confused."
my friend reassured me. "i'll explain. i don't think these things are bad things, but it will make it more challenging for you out here to attract attention. the first is that you are a black christian male. like, you really want to live for god. however, the stereotype of christian men, especially black christian men, is that they are punks, weak, and gay."
he continued. "Next, you're a nice guy. i know you have some jersey tendencies that pop out, but a person won't see them unless they really spend time with you. you don't fit the stereotypical model of a man in that way, you know, tough, rugged, super masculine all the time. people could perceive that as gay, too. actually, when i met you i thought that was a possibility. you demeanor fits the mold."
that made my heart sink a little. but i continued to listen.
"i know that isn't the case now, as i got to know you. but i feel like that'll make a lot of women in our circles ignore you and a lot of men have a slightly negative opinion about you. they might not esteem you as 'a man.' they'll assume that you're weak, and not really give you your due. i think it's a good thing though, that you don't play 'my penis is bigger than yours' like other guys do. it shows that you're confident."
"lastly, you have unique tastes. you like to read, you play tennis, you play video games, and you read comic books. you don't fit the image of a stereotypical dude that way. and you blog! and you have a very childlike heart. again, not your stereotypical dude."
"Dag," i said. "everything you said about me is true. there's nothing on that list that i can change without becoming a totally different person. i like all that stuff about me."
"i do, too!" my friend responded. "i like the fact that you like tennis, that you get excited about video games, and that you really try to be nice to people. that makes you...you! however, those are things run counter to what society expects a men, especially a black man, to be.
we talked for a while longer. i don't know if it was obvious through the phone conversation, but a tear streamed down my face. i was sad because everything my friend said about me was true: it was authentically me. i didn't want to change; i like myself. however, who i am isn't "normal."it was a tension that i've dealt with for over 20 years. i was feeling the pinch from it very strong the past few months.
there was no option. i was going to continue being me. i hung up the phone with my friend and cried some more. i didn't want to, but i figured if i just cried i would see some clarity afterwards. i was right. i realized that if the the disrespect, the overlooking, and the labels that get thrown my way is a price for being authentic, then i'll suffer. i honestly sat back and said that this is authentically me. for real. no filler. my character can always get better, and it will. but my personally is this.
take me as i am...that's what i'm doing.
i told him that i feel like i'm consistently passed by as a person. i mean, i know people love me. but i feel like i'm never considered for much...i'm just "verdell." oh, that verdell, he'll have a word from god, and definition for the word you don't know, and even a good joke. but that's it. i told him that i routinely feel passed up by women, and that i feel guys don't respect me at all. "is there something i need to fix? am i doing something wrong?" i asked. "i really want to know...i just need some answers."
after thinking for a while, he called me back with some answers. "let me say this," he said. "i don't think you really need to change yourself. i think you are fine how you are. however, i do think there are some things that work against you."
"work against me?" i asked. "i'm confused."
my friend reassured me. "i'll explain. i don't think these things are bad things, but it will make it more challenging for you out here to attract attention. the first is that you are a black christian male. like, you really want to live for god. however, the stereotype of christian men, especially black christian men, is that they are punks, weak, and gay."
he continued. "Next, you're a nice guy. i know you have some jersey tendencies that pop out, but a person won't see them unless they really spend time with you. you don't fit the stereotypical model of a man in that way, you know, tough, rugged, super masculine all the time. people could perceive that as gay, too. actually, when i met you i thought that was a possibility. you demeanor fits the mold."
that made my heart sink a little. but i continued to listen.
"i know that isn't the case now, as i got to know you. but i feel like that'll make a lot of women in our circles ignore you and a lot of men have a slightly negative opinion about you. they might not esteem you as 'a man.' they'll assume that you're weak, and not really give you your due. i think it's a good thing though, that you don't play 'my penis is bigger than yours' like other guys do. it shows that you're confident."
"lastly, you have unique tastes. you like to read, you play tennis, you play video games, and you read comic books. you don't fit the image of a stereotypical dude that way. and you blog! and you have a very childlike heart. again, not your stereotypical dude."
"Dag," i said. "everything you said about me is true. there's nothing on that list that i can change without becoming a totally different person. i like all that stuff about me."
"i do, too!" my friend responded. "i like the fact that you like tennis, that you get excited about video games, and that you really try to be nice to people. that makes you...you! however, those are things run counter to what society expects a men, especially a black man, to be.
we talked for a while longer. i don't know if it was obvious through the phone conversation, but a tear streamed down my face. i was sad because everything my friend said about me was true: it was authentically me. i didn't want to change; i like myself. however, who i am isn't "normal."it was a tension that i've dealt with for over 20 years. i was feeling the pinch from it very strong the past few months.
there was no option. i was going to continue being me. i hung up the phone with my friend and cried some more. i didn't want to, but i figured if i just cried i would see some clarity afterwards. i was right. i realized that if the the disrespect, the overlooking, and the labels that get thrown my way is a price for being authentic, then i'll suffer. i honestly sat back and said that this is authentically me. for real. no filler. my character can always get better, and it will. but my personally is this.
take me as i am...that's what i'm doing.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Christian Masculinity
at times, christian men confuse me.
and yes, i'm christian. and a man. *double checks*
i think we cater to the world's idea of masculinity and try to pass it off as christian. we have this warrior, braveheart mentality about our walk and they way that men should behave and i think it constantly falls short of Christ.
of course, the image of an athlete and a solider is used in the new testament. but we have to remember that 1.) those images were used to prove a point that paul was driving home, and 2.) they are images AMONGST OTHER IMAGES. images are used to point to a bigger reality, but the images themselves are NOT the reality. another examples are jesus' sayings about the kingdom. it would be "the kingdom is like..." because he's using an example to illustrate a point about the kingdom. there are MANY examples of what the kingdom is like, not just one. to ignore the others for the sake of one is a mistake.
just holding to one image isn't a holistic (or fair) approach to scripture. one of the biggest failings of western christianity overall is our lack of understanding where we've traded christ's ideal for the contemporary society that we've lived in (that's how TBN stays on the air). according to our standards, jesus is a wuss for crying when lazarus died and needs to "man up." and that whole business about jesus wanting his homies to hang with him before he was arrested? real men go it alone. oh, and forget that whole lamenting over lost cities with woes and whatnot, and saying that he wanted to gather them up like a hen (luke 13:34). yep, jesus wanted to act like a chicken. a GIRL chicken at that.
according to our culture men aren't supposed to show emotion, besides aggression (i think this is particularly true in the african american community, but that's worth another post all together). men are supposed to be tough, focused, and intense. i don't think those are bad qualities, but being "tough, focused, and intense" usually is an excuse for being hardheaded, narrow minded, and insensitive. jesus was none of those things.
now what i'm saying doesn't negate being good stewards, or providing for families, managing emotions, etc. forget being christ-like, that's just good sense! but i think that we stifle people's growth when we force them to fit a personality archetype. Character and personality are not the same thing. personality is just that...personal! but character determines how dispense our personality to the world. for example, look at a highway. all the cars have different designs, colors, and features (personality) but they are have four wheels and run on gas (character).
i guess it's a hot button issue for me because i know how it feels to be looked down at and talked about because i'm not "manly enough" according to society's standards and/or christian standards (which are remarkably like the world). i've been called all types of names because of it, and some of them still stick with me a bit. but i have to say that my two examples of exemplary men in my life are where i draw my opinion of manhood.
of course, one is christ. i think if we realized how much he was free from the constraints of his society, we wouldn't approach some things the way that we do. the other is my father. my father taught me to be strong, to be diligent. but he taught me to be myself. he didn't make me play sports. he saw that i liked reading better, so he bought me books. he saw that i like drawing so he bought me paper. he didn't try to make into what society thought a "man" should be. trust, verdell wright, sr. didn't raise a punk...but i think more than anyone else i know my father understood the cost of being "mr. rough and tough." he didn't want me, his son, to pay the same price.
thanks dad.
and yes, i'm christian. and a man. *double checks*
i think we cater to the world's idea of masculinity and try to pass it off as christian. we have this warrior, braveheart mentality about our walk and they way that men should behave and i think it constantly falls short of Christ.
of course, the image of an athlete and a solider is used in the new testament. but we have to remember that 1.) those images were used to prove a point that paul was driving home, and 2.) they are images AMONGST OTHER IMAGES. images are used to point to a bigger reality, but the images themselves are NOT the reality. another examples are jesus' sayings about the kingdom. it would be "the kingdom is like..." because he's using an example to illustrate a point about the kingdom. there are MANY examples of what the kingdom is like, not just one. to ignore the others for the sake of one is a mistake.
just holding to one image isn't a holistic (or fair) approach to scripture. one of the biggest failings of western christianity overall is our lack of understanding where we've traded christ's ideal for the contemporary society that we've lived in (that's how TBN stays on the air). according to our standards, jesus is a wuss for crying when lazarus died and needs to "man up." and that whole business about jesus wanting his homies to hang with him before he was arrested? real men go it alone. oh, and forget that whole lamenting over lost cities with woes and whatnot, and saying that he wanted to gather them up like a hen (luke 13:34). yep, jesus wanted to act like a chicken. a GIRL chicken at that.
according to our culture men aren't supposed to show emotion, besides aggression (i think this is particularly true in the african american community, but that's worth another post all together). men are supposed to be tough, focused, and intense. i don't think those are bad qualities, but being "tough, focused, and intense" usually is an excuse for being hardheaded, narrow minded, and insensitive. jesus was none of those things.
now what i'm saying doesn't negate being good stewards, or providing for families, managing emotions, etc. forget being christ-like, that's just good sense! but i think that we stifle people's growth when we force them to fit a personality archetype. Character and personality are not the same thing. personality is just that...personal! but character determines how dispense our personality to the world. for example, look at a highway. all the cars have different designs, colors, and features (personality) but they are have four wheels and run on gas (character).
i guess it's a hot button issue for me because i know how it feels to be looked down at and talked about because i'm not "manly enough" according to society's standards and/or christian standards (which are remarkably like the world). i've been called all types of names because of it, and some of them still stick with me a bit. but i have to say that my two examples of exemplary men in my life are where i draw my opinion of manhood.
of course, one is christ. i think if we realized how much he was free from the constraints of his society, we wouldn't approach some things the way that we do. the other is my father. my father taught me to be strong, to be diligent. but he taught me to be myself. he didn't make me play sports. he saw that i liked reading better, so he bought me books. he saw that i like drawing so he bought me paper. he didn't try to make into what society thought a "man" should be. trust, verdell wright, sr. didn't raise a punk...but i think more than anyone else i know my father understood the cost of being "mr. rough and tough." he didn't want me, his son, to pay the same price.
thanks dad.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Singleness Isn't a Curse...DO SOMETHING!
it seems like the ladies get all the singleness pep talks all the time, but dudes have trouble with being single too. it's true, because i was (and sometimes am) one of them.
we don't realize it, but a lot of times romantic relationships (boy/girlfriend, marriage) get a lot of shine in church circles. it's like the heavenly icing on the jesus cake. i mean, we're all christian...but if you're a REALLY good christian the good Lord will give you...a person! fresh off the presses, too! because clearly all they were doing is waiting to be given to you :-/ okay that perhaps a little much...but i'm usually a little much with topics like this so that's fine.
that makes it even worse when you throw in the whole "soul mate" business. i'm so thankful for keith battle teaching that message about it. i'm not saying that god can't pick someone for you to marry, i'm sure he does for SOME. but if we're a biblically based people...it's just not in there. you can't make that a blanket requirement if the bible is SILENT on it in my opinion.
but anyway, back to the main point. i've learned that singleness becomes a "burden" for me when i feel a lack of direction. when i actually know what the crap i'm doing, it doesn't bother me at all. this is what leads me to believe this: do you. your singleness is not a curse. it's actually a GIFT! sometimes i gag when i hear about my friends and all the stuff they do to cater to their relationships. i realize that those things are necessary to maintain a quality relationship. it's not that i don't want to do those things for the right person, but until i meet the right person the late night phone calls, the appointments (dates), and the MONEY i'll spend would be pointless. i'd rather be by myself until i meet the person i want to chose to be with.
in the meantime...LIVE! you can do so many things that people that are attached at the hip can't do. my days are all MINE!!!! i do what i want, when i want, for how long i want. when i'm ready to roll...i roll. i have the freedom to be focused on myself, my goals...and most importantly GOD'S PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. i don't think my singleness is a holding pattern until i meet someone. i think it's a perfect chance to work on myself, and learn about me.
"mami i'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better."<-----that's what i want to say.
we don't realize it, but a lot of times romantic relationships (boy/girlfriend, marriage) get a lot of shine in church circles. it's like the heavenly icing on the jesus cake. i mean, we're all christian...but if you're a REALLY good christian the good Lord will give you...a person! fresh off the presses, too! because clearly all they were doing is waiting to be given to you :-/ okay that perhaps a little much...but i'm usually a little much with topics like this so that's fine.
that makes it even worse when you throw in the whole "soul mate" business. i'm so thankful for keith battle teaching that message about it. i'm not saying that god can't pick someone for you to marry, i'm sure he does for SOME. but if we're a biblically based people...it's just not in there. you can't make that a blanket requirement if the bible is SILENT on it in my opinion.
but anyway, back to the main point. i've learned that singleness becomes a "burden" for me when i feel a lack of direction. when i actually know what the crap i'm doing, it doesn't bother me at all. this is what leads me to believe this: do you. your singleness is not a curse. it's actually a GIFT! sometimes i gag when i hear about my friends and all the stuff they do to cater to their relationships. i realize that those things are necessary to maintain a quality relationship. it's not that i don't want to do those things for the right person, but until i meet the right person the late night phone calls, the appointments (dates), and the MONEY i'll spend would be pointless. i'd rather be by myself until i meet the person i want to chose to be with.
in the meantime...LIVE! you can do so many things that people that are attached at the hip can't do. my days are all MINE!!!! i do what i want, when i want, for how long i want. when i'm ready to roll...i roll. i have the freedom to be focused on myself, my goals...and most importantly GOD'S PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. i don't think my singleness is a holding pattern until i meet someone. i think it's a perfect chance to work on myself, and learn about me.
"mami i'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better."<-----that's what i want to say.
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