"Why hello, limits. I didn't see you sitting there."

today is day 7 of the insanity workout for me.  it's been going well so far.  and yes, it really is insane.

i thought they were being a little extra when folks were saying that they were winded just getting through the warm-up.  how hard could that be, i thought to myself.

very hard, it seems.

i found myself gasping for breath for most of the 9 minute warm-up.  you do about 7 moves for about 45 seconds each.  then you do them all again...but faster.  and if that wasn't enough...you do the the circuit a third time...even faster.

i was dripping sweat in such a way that someone might've thought that i got caught in the rain.  i was pretty spent.  then i looked at the countdown clock on the screen.  20:46 left to go.  it really was just the warm-up.

i pushed on though.  all week.  falling.  screaming.  wondering why i was doing this.  then, something amazing happened.

I got through the warm-up without stopping.  

i was elated.  i climbed a mountain!  i was so proud of myself...until today.

the work-out almost destroyed me.  i got through the warm-up but the rest of the dvd i struggled through.  i had to press pause to collect what little of my self i could gather.  i was thoroughly humbled.  i had a front on collision with my limits...and they didn't give.

how rude!  it's like they just stood there in my way, those blasted limits!  didn't they see me coming?  then i realized that my limits where there all the time.  but, like a novice driver, i just ignored the realities and hit the gas.  but then i thought of how often i don't keep my own limits in view.  often, what i can do keeps me from what god will do in my life.  i have so many options.  so many choices.  the sky is limit.

it's not.  we all have limits...and i think once we realize that they are there, we won't crash into as often.  we'll be able to pump our breaks before we wreck ourselves.  but still approach those limits.  don't be afraid of them.  just allow god to take you pass them...or through them.  the whole limits thing was his idea anyway.

dell+no rest= danger

throughout the self-discovery journey that i've embarked upon these past few months, i've learned some really cool things about myself. i've also learned some interesting (i.e. not so cool) things as well.  i've learned more about what makes me tick, and that's what's really important.

one of the main things that keeps me going is SLEEP!  i need to have a consistent amount of rest.  if i don't, then i really get weak.  physically weak.  emotionally weak.  spiritually weak.  it's like all my defenses go down.  as i reflect back on some bad or impulsive choices that i've made, i realized that a good number of them took place when i was tired. 

i'm also much more suspectible to noise when i'm tired.  keep in mind, i hear most things that are going on around me anyway.  when i'm rested, i can tune a lot of stuff out.  but when i'm not, all the stimuli is too much.  bright sights, loud sounds...it's too much to handle.  that, in turn, causes me to be irritable.  and since i'm tired...the likelihood that i'll say something "colorful" increase exponentially. 

i cussed out my fried rice today (like, literally cussed out) because it fell on my bed (yes, it fell. all by itself).  that's when i realized that i should probably take a nap.

so many thoughts

i have so many thought rattling around in my head.  about seminary.  about god.  about church life.  about tennis.  about the insanity workout that i started.

i need to write a book.

for now, i guess that i'll just blog a little bit more.

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my checkpoints

today's lesson:  the decisions you make in life may not please everyone.  but your job ISN'T to please everyone.  it's to first do what god wants.  then be responsible to your obligations and/or things that need your direct attention.  after that...have a ball!!


this is what i try to remind myself as i move forward.  god is the first person that the filter goes through. are my decisions lined up with the word?  is there something that god wants to add to my thinking?  this step can (and usually does) involve asking folks that know me and can speak into my life.


once we pass that level, i tend to make sure that my actions aren't going to directly impact someone for the worst.  just because i can do something, doesn't mean that it's the best thing to do.  or the best time to do.  or the best place.  even if god said "go to africa," i can't just leave my job w/o two weeks notice, or preach all the time w/o talking to my family.  if my house is in order, great.  if not, how can i arrange myself so that i can make my move with the minimum amount of damage around me.


after that...i'm done.  god has been consulted.  wisdom has been sought and implemented from the correct folks.  responsibilities handled.  time to do what i've decided.  whatever that is.  

two miles in the shoes of a man

"two miles? you'll walk two miles in the snow?" there was a healthy degree of an "are you crazy" tone in my voice.

my friend looked at me and smiled.  "verdell...we're men.  we get things done."

i smiled, but it wasn't from happiness.  me smiling was an attempt to focus my energies elsewhere.  i never liked those masculine concepts of strength and might, the ones that quietly imply that women are not those things.  my friend wasn't being disrespectful or anything, but i'm always keen to notice stuff like that.  sometimes i'm probably too sensitive to it.

i thought to myself, why does that bother me? why do phrases like that tick me off?  i think there are a few reasons.  reason number one:  i was never one of the guys.  growing up i didn't play organized sports.  the time in the locker room before gym was usually hell for me.  i was really different than most of the guys i went to school with in terms of temperament and experience.  the fighting, the cursing, the sex talk...it was foreign to me.  and clearly i was foreign to them as well.  i never was in a position where "hyper masculinity" was encouraged or praised.  i was pretty calm.  happy.  

reason number two:  i've been blessed to be around some incredibly strong women.  my mother is still and probably always will be the standard of a woman for me.  she wasn't masculine, but she was strong. mentally and physically.  honestly she is still stronger in character (and probably in strength) then a lot of men i know.  my nanna, another strong woman.  she would look you in the eye and tell you the truth.  that isn't to mention my aunts and cousins.  the idea of the "little woman" just didn't exist in my world.

reason number three:  i never saw that image portrayed from my father.  i can't remember my dad verbally teaching me a whole lot.  but the older i get, the more i understand his example.  my dad always encouraged me to be myself.  he supported me in everything that i did.  he wanted me to be myself.  he offered to play basketball and football...i wanted books and drawing paper instead.  he gave it to me, and encouraged me.  when i wanted to do martial arts, he was my first teacher.  my father isn't a macho type of guy.  sarcastic (that's where i get it from), to the point, yes.  but i don't ever remember him puffing himself up  on the basis that he's "a man."  if anything, there was a dignity that he had about himself.  he respected himself and understood he abilities and obligations.  he always treated my mother with respect and as an equal. those images shaped me.

i ultimately do think that there are some base things that make a man different from a woman.  god himself was distinct in their creation.  however, when i look at jesus, i see a masculinity that we probably would classify as "weak" if the lord's name weren't attached to it.  jesus was in touch with his emotions.  he freely expressed joy, anger, and sadness, with tears! in fact, his greatest miracles happened either after he cried or "was moved with compassion."  he didn't beat his chest, but he got his strength from his heavenly father. but yet "men" shouldn't cry.  i find it remarkable how our how our theology and understanding of christ are easily veiled when it comes to things we hold dear, especially if we've let them define us (that goes for me too).