Me Monday: I'm Competitive

this will be the first "me monday."  what is "me monday," you ask?  it's a time where i share something about myself and give my readers a little insight to who i am.

this "me monday," i'll be talking about something that many people might not know about me:  i'm competitive.  extremely competitive.  i'm competitive in mario bros., uno, tennis, spades, coloring, cooking, breathing, etc. 

now, this competiveness doesn't always show itself.  i have this clark kent mentality (i'll talk about that on the next "me monday") that usually causes me to conceal my full potential for fear of being "found out."  also, i don't necessarly like to crush people.  sometimes i do, if someone beat me the last time. but mostly if i turn it on it's just that i want to play my people. 

i think i always was.  i don't really know where it came from.  i can't even remember when i finally realized it.  i like to win, sure, but more than that i think that i always like to do my very best.  and then exceed my very best.  and then exceed that.  it just so happens that when i do that, i win! yay!

maybe it first happened with martial arts.  i can vividly remember the weekend after i took my first class.  i went outside and practiced for at least two hours.  and i only knew three moves:  a high block, inner forearm block, and a front kick.  consequently, i think those are some of the moves that my technique is the best on.

my competitive nature really came out when i started playing tennis.  i simply MUST win every point. obviously, i don't, but if i could find a way to i would. 

ultimately, i guess that it's just a drive to be the very best that i can be.  more times than not, i'm not competing against the other person.  the other person is only a wall to climb to reach new heights and depths.   in high school, a good friend and i where the top two students.  it was so close that it would flucuate from week to week.  but i wanted the top spot.  so i went to work and snagged it.  it's just what i have the ability to do.

i believe that i have a wealth of untapped potential...and i'm doing my best to get every drop.

the people behind the counter

i was in mcdonalds today, for the millionth time this week (that's another story).  it was lunch time, so it was pretty busy.  this mickey d's in smack dab in the hood, so there are always some interesting characters.  it's just that at this time all the characters come at the same time.

the people working behind the counter where all of latin desent.  the gentleman that i placed my order with was clearly new at his job and speaking english.  it took a while to place my order, and i was ready to leave.  while i'd be lying to say that i wasn't bothered, i usually remember that they probably feel way worse than i do.

my heart goes out to them, those people behind the counter.  they have to work hard, so hard!  i mean, mickey d's isn't exactly first rate employment.  they are doing what they have to do to survive.  what makes it worse is when people start yelling and being rude to them.  i hate to watch it.  makes me sad.  i wonder if they have dreams, and if so, will they ever be fulfilled? 

what i notice is that a lot of the people that are yelling at the people behind the counter are really in the same position.  it's just that english is their first language (but they don't speak it any better).  they all actually have a lot in common.  i wonder if they have dreams, too.  i also wonder if they have the ability to dream.  maybe the power to dream has died, suffocated by the grim circumstances of life and oppression. 

after watching the people behind the counter...stuck...i thought about myself.  i was/am stuck behind the counter, too.  trapped in a position where abuse is the norm because i don't have the wherewithall to do better.  doesn't make me a bad person...but i am an unequipped person.  or should i say, not using the equipment that i have to deal with my situation.

i'm tired of seeing those people get screamed at.  i'm tired of the bondages of my life screaming at me.  time to dream.  i'm coming from behind the counter. 

Get Over It!!!

This week as been a bit of a tailspin.

If you read my last couple of posts, you'll know that I finally came to grips with the "a word": abuse. Even though I fought all these years not to call it that, the reality of it all is abuse it exactly what it was. It was very intense from about 3rd to maybe 8th grade.

I must admit that I acted out a lot. Did and said a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have. I didn't know how else to express the feelings that I had going on. No clue. I was angry that I was hurt constantly in such a way. Sad that so many years had been snatched from me. Confused at how I should move forward. Should I go to counseling? Am I just a messed up person now?

I decided to call my friend Allen. We've been friends since we where 10 and best friends since college. I told him all of it.

"May I say something that might be a little rude?" Allen asked.

"I guess," I replied. "Just don't tell me that I should pray or something." I couldn't care less about something that I didn't see as a remedy at the time.

"My question is," Allen said very matter-of-factly, "when are you going to get over it?"

I paused. Get over it? It all finally just came to me!

Allen began to explain. "Dude, the Verdell you are now is not the same person back then. You're bold, confident, strong. All the things that you shouldn't be. It happened to you back then, yes, but Romans 6 says that the old you died."

I was mad. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to be stuck in my strange array of emotions. I wanted to vent, lash out, and do whatever else I wanted. Anything but face the music. Quoting a scripture and standing on a promise is not something that my seminarian mind was grasping at the moment. If anything, it rejected it.

However, it was precisely the thing i needed to hear.

"Vee, you gotta let that stuff go. You aren't that person anymore. Believe God and move on."

So simple, yet so true.

no matter what

i will always believe jesus. no matter what.


that's all

thinking about the a word...

still thinking about it. the abuse. the a word. it hurts. the memories of it all. what to do now? i don't want to over dramatize it...but it'll pop up in my head and i'll see it. i'll see that one time in the tennis court with that red stick when he beat me. he beat me bad with that stick. i didn't have any bruises or anything. my parents would've noticed that. the physical pain wasn't even what was in the forefront in my mind. just the terror of it all.

gosh.

the a word

the lunch was a good one. i ordered my shrimp and chicken. he ordered a sandwich of some sort. we had small talk for a second.

then it began.

this was the conversation that would inevitably steer me in a much needed direction. he asked me some serious questions about myself, my past, and how i fit it all together. i gave him some real answers, answers that some people in my life have never heard. and i've known them much longer.

"when i saw you in class, at times i didn't know who i was looking at. at times you would be this confident figure that people would follow. at others you would just seem so unsure."

"well, at times i don't know what to pick. i feel like i have too many options."

"that's actually a good thing."

we got into some other things. there were two things that were discussed. one i was fine with sharing. the other one...when he inquired further about it...opened up something that i wasn't expecting.

"verdell, are you telling me that you were abused?"

i was floored. tears began to stream down my face. all of the events just came streaming through my mind. especially the day on that tennis court with that stick. i just cried. but, as usual, i found my composure.

i subconsciously fought for years not to give it that title. "no," i would say. "it happens to everyone. just a part of growing up." i didn't want to make too much out of it. but no one deserves that happened to me during those days. it was years, honestly. years of fear, pain (emotional and physical), and confusion that have shaped me to be who i am, for better or for worse.

abuse is an ugly thing. it happened to me. definitely going on a journey to find out exactly what this means and how i move forward from here.

Random thoughts @ 12:06

random time!!!!

• if you don't manage the circumstances in your life, the circumstances in your life will manage you. will you react, or respond? if i'm not vigilant i can go into react mode and i just let life happen it me. unfortunately, i can do the same thing during tennis matches. i let things get away from me, and all of a sudden the match is about to be over. funny thing is, i've played some of my best tennis when i'm down. the truth is though, i should've been more focused in the first place. you can't box out of every situation in life, and if you can box yourself out, you can keep yourself out in the first place.
• i want to have a sincere relationship. marriage is work. not willing to settle for anything just so that i can be in a relationship. not willing to give up dreams either. a relationship is suppose to be a welcomed addition. is it work? yes. are they challenging? yes. but love is worth it. i've loved someone like that before. i was young, and made a TON of mistakes, but my love for her was so sincere and true. i know it was true because i wanted to see her succeed. i wanted to do what i could to help her. i know what that type of love feels like...and its worth waiting for. if i never find it, i'll be a lil upset, but i'd rather be alone than settle.
  
• ugh! close encounter of the hood nigga kind tonite! amen for protection and grace, but i need not deal with skeed (asbury park folks know what that word means did i spell it right) bamma threatening me on my porch. no thanks. my two dollar a day program just got bumped up to three. getting the heck outta dodge...in due time. my heart hurts for them though. they have a void of purpose in their lives. and the void is filled will all types of temporal nonsense. i'm going to begin praying for them, and interceding for my whole neighborhood. christ, take the clay and SHAPE...

okay. i'm going to sleep now. definitely have to be to church by 8 for praise team stuff. nite!