Pre-School with Jesus

i was watching a sermon online. as it neared the end, the speaker began to lead a meditation. the sermon topic, "listening to the kids," intrigued me. it was particularly relevant to me during this time in my life. it seemed like there were all sorts of kids screaming at me my mind.

"i want you to imagine that you are sitting at one of those little tables you see in pre-schools."

that was easy enough. my mind recreated the YMCA on main street where i went for daycare. i sat at the table. i was surrounded by all the things that you would normally see in a classroom geared toward little kids. i sat at the table, dressed in an outfit that i probably wore before. i clutched one of those little sippy cups in my hand. i was about 3.

"next, i want you to imagine that jesus is sitting right next to you at this table."

that wasn't hard either. god, jesus, or some form of the almighty never seemed to be too far from me. jesus sat at the table with me. he actually sat in one of the chairs. he looked uncomfortable, but doesn't it seem just like him to position himself close to the one he loves, even if it's uncomfortable for him?

"now, imagine a sack with your name on it. this sack contains all of the stuff that is cluttering your life. when you are ready, go get the bag and pour out the contents on the table. you and jesus will go through it all together."

i went to get the bag and emptied it like the lady said. several blocks came out.

HURT.

FEAR.

ABANDONMENT.

i looked at them on the table. i always knew they were there, but these issues seemed so blatant to me now. i looked at jesus. he stared back at me and gave me a look. then he looked at the bag again. it was a look similar to my mother's. it let me know that there was still more stuff in the bag.

so, i grabbed the bag again and dumped it out.

LUST.

this surely must be it, i thought to myself. now jesus is going to go to work on me because lust is surely going to get his attention.

instead, jesus gave me that look again.

surprised, i reached for the bag one more time.

ACCEPTANCE.

i instantly began to cry. i didn't want to touch that block. i began to sob. all of the pain just came rushing back when i saw that block, sitting on the table.

jesus reached over and picked me up. he placed me on his lap and held me, giving me a kiss on the forehead. "it's okay," he said. "i know, i know. it hurts me too."

i clutched his robe and buried my face in it. i just continued to cry and cry. jesus just continued to hold me and rock me.

"i accept you. i love you. i gave myself for you. you aren't worthless. you're worth everything."

suddenly, i appeared to grow while sitting in jesus' lap. i aged to about 7. memories flooded back. being terrified in school. terrified of my dad. beat up every other day in school. feeling so pointless that i wouldn't hold my head up when i walked down the hall. having my head banged into a metal pipe. that dreaded day with the red stick and the tennis court.

i cried again. but then i felt a sense of peace. i didn't know a lot about god then, but for some reason, i realized that jesus accepted me then as well. why didn't he swoop in and rescue me? i don't know. it didn't seem to matter. or maybe he was there somehow and i couldn't tell. maybe what he's doing is making him be there at this point.

i grew again. this time i was the same age that i am now. with the same clothes that i was wearing.

"everyone doesn't have to accept you, verdell. i accept you. and the most important person that needs to accept you after me is yourself. you have to accept you."

jesus then began to run down the list of people that actually accept me for me, flaws, quirks, and all. "you should be on this list," he said. "don't focus on where the acceptance isn't. connect yourself to where it is."

i felt peace. comfort. security. all in the arms of jesus. now, to find that security in myself.