Just Go Forward

as i was doing the insanity asylum work out today, i realized something about myself. i don't know why it wasn't blatantly obvious to me before, but knowing myself and how non-observant of myself i can be, i guess it makes sense.

i'm really not that coordinated.

as i pressed to place my feet in the agility ladder, i constantly tripped, stumbled, and lumbered. even when i wasn't already tired it wasn't easy. to be honest, i don't really run well either. i don't run like someone who's been trained. i just move my body in a direction, quickly and with force. i trip over my own feet and they routinely don't go where i'd like them to go. hell, a lot of times i don't even know where they should go.

i reflected on my athletic triumphs. despite my shortcomings, i play tennis pretty well. i've competed in two taekwondo tournaments this year and never placed lower than 3rd in any event i competed in. as any athletic will tell you, footwork is the basis of most sports. so, how do i do it?

that's just it. i just do it.

technique is important. but you can't teach heart. you have to find it. training is EXTREMELY important, but heart is what will get you over the ultimate finish line. the heart to just go forward.

you may not know everything....just go forward.

you may look goofy....just go forward.

you may make a mistake...just go forward.

push yourself forward. once you know what your "forward" is, just go. learn along the way. you'll be surprised how you begin to adjust your steps to reach your destination.

go forward.

Pre-School with Jesus

i was watching a sermon online. as it neared the end, the speaker began to lead a meditation. the sermon topic, "listening to the kids," intrigued me. it was particularly relevant to me during this time in my life. it seemed like there were all sorts of kids screaming at me my mind.

"i want you to imagine that you are sitting at one of those little tables you see in pre-schools."

that was easy enough. my mind recreated the YMCA on main street where i went for daycare. i sat at the table. i was surrounded by all the things that you would normally see in a classroom geared toward little kids. i sat at the table, dressed in an outfit that i probably wore before. i clutched one of those little sippy cups in my hand. i was about 3.

"next, i want you to imagine that jesus is sitting right next to you at this table."

that wasn't hard either. god, jesus, or some form of the almighty never seemed to be too far from me. jesus sat at the table with me. he actually sat in one of the chairs. he looked uncomfortable, but doesn't it seem just like him to position himself close to the one he loves, even if it's uncomfortable for him?

"now, imagine a sack with your name on it. this sack contains all of the stuff that is cluttering your life. when you are ready, go get the bag and pour out the contents on the table. you and jesus will go through it all together."

i went to get the bag and emptied it like the lady said. several blocks came out.

HURT.

FEAR.

ABANDONMENT.

i looked at them on the table. i always knew they were there, but these issues seemed so blatant to me now. i looked at jesus. he stared back at me and gave me a look. then he looked at the bag again. it was a look similar to my mother's. it let me know that there was still more stuff in the bag.

so, i grabbed the bag again and dumped it out.

LUST.

this surely must be it, i thought to myself. now jesus is going to go to work on me because lust is surely going to get his attention.

instead, jesus gave me that look again.

surprised, i reached for the bag one more time.

ACCEPTANCE.

i instantly began to cry. i didn't want to touch that block. i began to sob. all of the pain just came rushing back when i saw that block, sitting on the table.

jesus reached over and picked me up. he placed me on his lap and held me, giving me a kiss on the forehead. "it's okay," he said. "i know, i know. it hurts me too."

i clutched his robe and buried my face in it. i just continued to cry and cry. jesus just continued to hold me and rock me.

"i accept you. i love you. i gave myself for you. you aren't worthless. you're worth everything."

suddenly, i appeared to grow while sitting in jesus' lap. i aged to about 7. memories flooded back. being terrified in school. terrified of my dad. beat up every other day in school. feeling so pointless that i wouldn't hold my head up when i walked down the hall. having my head banged into a metal pipe. that dreaded day with the red stick and the tennis court.

i cried again. but then i felt a sense of peace. i didn't know a lot about god then, but for some reason, i realized that jesus accepted me then as well. why didn't he swoop in and rescue me? i don't know. it didn't seem to matter. or maybe he was there somehow and i couldn't tell. maybe what he's doing is making him be there at this point.

i grew again. this time i was the same age that i am now. with the same clothes that i was wearing.

"everyone doesn't have to accept you, verdell. i accept you. and the most important person that needs to accept you after me is yourself. you have to accept you."

jesus then began to run down the list of people that actually accept me for me, flaws, quirks, and all. "you should be on this list," he said. "don't focus on where the acceptance isn't. connect yourself to where it is."

i felt peace. comfort. security. all in the arms of jesus. now, to find that security in myself.

MY STUFF MOVES!

i'm convinced that all my belongings have the ability to animate themselves. seriously, i do. i really believe that the majority of my possessions can get up and relocate at their own leisure.

now, if i was still 8 years old i wouldn't mind this. i would just collapse with glee at the thought of my batman, my x-men, my power rangers, and my he-man waging battles on their own. also, i didn't help that one of my favorite shows was this:

i swore that if i wore my great uncle joe's hat, the same thing could happen to me. anyways, while the idea of my stuff being alive was cool when i was a young lad, the prospect is no longer cool to me. here's why. see, i'm a bit...ummm....shall i say CLUTTERED. i tend to leave a pile of things wherever i go. no, not like a dog leaving a pile, but a pile of belongings. it's like a "verdell was here" sign.

i try to hedge this cluttered tendency of mine. i clean things and put them in nice, neat piles. i even think of places to put my stuff (i think they call them drawers and bookshelves). however, my stuff finds some way of getting back into the floor!

i don't know how it happens. i think that when i'm asleep, all of my stuff has a meeting. i think the bibles preside over the meeting because, you know, they are the word of god and all. i can just imagine how the meetings go...

english standard version bible: okay, listen! god is calling us to go to the promised land!

dell's socks: promised land? where is that?

TNIV bible: over there. on the floor. all over the place.

dell's tennis racquets: i don't want to go! i like the closet!

KJV bible: you can stayeth in egypt then!

dell's other books: we'll go!

dell's paper: i'll scatter all over the place!

dell's pens: we'll all hide! and the one that doesn't work will be the only one out in the open!

dell's cell phone bill: yes! dell forgets me all the time anyway!

at some point, i'm sure the bibles convince the rest of my belongings to create a diaspora across the living room floor, and the table, and my bedroom. this renders all my efforts pointless. while i've been able to master the art of washing ALL my clothes (read about that here!), i still have not mastered the art of convincing my stuff to stay in one spot. maybe i need some dr. doolittle type skills or something.

whatever the case is, right now my belongings are #winning because they all get to have massive parties til the wee hours of the morning, and i'm #notwinning because i have to clean up all the time.

maybe i when i get my own place i should get a 2 bedroom. one for myself and one for my stuff. then it wouldn't matter.

or i could just stop being so cluttered and put things away.

My Thoughts of Creflo's Defense of Eddie Long

so folks, i tried. i really, really tried.

but creflo dollar forced my hand and now i have to comment!

watch this video and then we'll have a chat...

okay, here's all of my thoughts. i was writing somewhat quickly so it's not my usual blog, but it'll do.

1.) creflo speaking out on a hot button issue? so that really was a unicorn that i saw on the way to the gas station this morning.

2.) in some aspects i agree with him. whatever eddie long did, jesus paid the price. salvation is through grace. no doubting that at all. HOWEVER, the issue isn't eddie long's eternal state, but his earthly actions and their implications. i don't believe that we can use a future state in heaven to sidestep the issue of justice now. if wrong was done, justice should prevail.

3.) so, is admitting that eddie had "a wreck" an acknowledgement of guilt? does he know something that we don't? i think we need to be specific with the type of "wreck" that's being discussed. several young men accused long of sexual coercion when they were kids and he never flat out said, "i didn't do it." this creates a HUGE problem for folks (not enough folks unfortunately). if i was accused of something, particularly something as heinous as taking advantage of children, i'd go out of my way to prove my innocence. that is, of course, if i was innocent.

5.) again about this whole "wreck" thing. yes we all fall short. however, if i get into a car accident because you are a reckless driver, the chances of me getting in the car with you again are slim. it's not about forgiveness. it's about trust. people need to be able to trust clergy if we are to do the real job of spiritual leadership. trust is earned. it's not mandatory. once it's lost it does NOT have to be restored. trust isn't a debt that we owe, it's a privilege that is offered.

6.) ANOTHER thing about this whole "wreck" business: if the children involved were creflo's daughters, i wonder if the tune would be the same? i sincerely HOPE not. "but the dude just had a wreck and molested my daughter!" umm...

7.) this whole situation only fuels public mistrust of the megachurch culture. the pastor that's accused of a crime can get away with a speech where he never explicitly denies the allegations. then his buddy up the road comes to his defense. all the while the folks that have been damaged are forced to be silent that much more, but the overwhelming power of persona won't allow them to seek healing and justice for themselves.

8.) to whoever edited this video, your captions actually take away from what he's saying. you should let the hearers draw their own conclusions, instead of being blasted by your own interpretations. this situation touches on MANY, MANY issues that we eventually need to sort of with church culture. to diminish it to just a few isn't fair.

those are my thoughts.

A Full-Circle View of Tithing

i'm sure you've heard it at some point. 

"it's offering time in the house of the lord!" 

"who's excited to give!" *cue audience applause*

*cue fred hammond "lord of the harvest"* (you'll have to dig in the dirt to get it, because that song has been RUN INTO THE GROUND)

i'm sure that the famous (or infamous) scripture from malachi has been read or discussed in your hearing as well. you know, malachi 3:8-11 which basically says....

"you steal from me (god) when you don't give your tithes! if you tithe i'll bless you tremendously! if you don't, i'll curse you and all your stuff!" and this is quoted from the IPVV (Intergalactic Planetary Verdell Version).

lots of people believe this. but there are lots of people that don't believe this. i personally don't believe that we can use this verse to discuss the cycle and motivation for giving today. here's why:

-this was an old testament law, which we are no longer under. tithing was a part of a much larger system, most of which we disregard and/or don't even know.

-tithing is only mentioned in matthew, luke, and hebrews. in matthew and luke, the discussion is about how the pharisees ignore the weightier matters of the law, such as love and justice, but are unrelenting in their outward demonstration of smaller issues. in both instances jesus says not to ignore the weightier mattes of the law, while still keeping all of the law (matt 23: 23, luke 11:42) . however, this was during the time when there was no new covenant. jesus had not died yet, there was no new law of the spirit to follow.

-the instance in hebrews 7 is to demonstrate the superiority of jesus' eternal priesthood over the finite priesthood of the levities. using melchizedek as a type of christ, the writer of hebrews says that levi, technically in the loins of his father abraham, tithed to melchizedek BEFORE there was a law. so the priesthood of jesus, which melchizedek represented, was superior to the preisthood of levi. the point wasn't to command people to tithe, but to show superiority of one system over another.

-even though abraham tithed, giving a tenth to show gratitude wasn't a strange thing. that was a common practice in the ancient near east, to give to show thanks for a military victory or a good harvest.

-acts 15 depicts the jerusalem council, where the controversy over gentiles and the faith was discussed. did gentiles have to follow all of jewish regulations in order to be considered christians? after discussion, this is what they came up with: "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: "You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.Farewell." (Acts 15: 28-29). tithing is not mentioned.

so, what am i saying? based on this, it may seem like i'm saying to burn up every offering envelop you see. don't give anything! be free!

actually, that's not what i'm saying at all. at times when people discuss their disagreement with the usage of malachi 3, i believe that they don't go full circle with it.  i believe that we cannot use the old testament standards of giving as a requirement, as in, TITHE OR DIE. no, that doesn't apply. however, giving is discussed all throughout the new testament. giving doesn't have a required percentage anymore, but it does need to be abundant and from your heart. we give because love gives. 

i had to think about it for a while. oh, i don't have to give ten percent. if i don't give 10 percent, god won't blow up my house. but...would i WITHHOLD ten percent from god? again, the numbers don't matter, but it caused me to check my heart to see what the real issue was.

for me, 2 corinthians 9 details how i approach giving now. when i look at my poor self, with my barely there salary, my car note, and my debt from college, i realize that it could be much better. i also realize that 90 percent of the world would kill to be in my position. and that 10 percent usually is exchanged for a honey bun, a comic book, chinese food...in short, something pointless. i can use my resources to make a difference in the lives of those around me. in that light, 10 percent doesn't seem bad. it makes me want to up the percentage actually.

so give. give because it's the godly thing to do. give richly, abundantly, and WISELY. you should be saving your money too, but that's a blog for another day.

give because you can. and give A LOT. give to causes, charities, and yes, your local church (ministry DOES cost money).

give because it's good.

give because you're blessed.

don't give because you think god will blow up your house if you don't.

give because your giving could result in someone else coming into god's house.