Family

in a few hours, i'll be back in the DMV.  after spending the holidays in jersey, i can say that i'm coming back with a new resolve in some areas.  i feel recommitted to Christ in some vital basic areas.

The biggest deal for me during the trip occured towards the end.  my mom planned a holiday party the day after christmas.  my mom's side and my dad's side of the family showed up.  it was a packed house (probably too packed).  i honestly wasn't expecting much.  It would be good to see family in all, but i wasn't expecting fireworks. fortunately, i was pleasantly surprised by an amazing development.

i reconnected with my cousins.

these cousins are on my dad's side.  it was wonderful and jarring at the same time.  wonderful because these are the people that i looked at as brothers since i can remember, but we were never as close as i would have liked. particularly my two older cousins...those were my big brothers in my mind. that was a consistent source of disappointment growing up.  it was jarring because for once i wasn't the one and only.  on my mother's side, i'm the "only" for a lot of things.  i was my grandmother's only grandson, which meant i was usually around a lot of women.  not so on my dad's side.  i'm the third youngest, with two older cousins before me. i was around a bunch of men that looked like me, that had a common connection through blood and experiences. my mom commented and said that you can tell her are all related.

i must admit that it was fun being the "younger" one. i sucked every second of it up.  i waited forever to this to happen.  i wasn't "in charge" or "the leader."  it was fun.  i'm sure it will happen again.

so many emotions were stirred up.  happiness that we reconnected.  saddness that i couldn't have this experience while growing up. bracing myself for disappointment just in case it falls off like it had in the past. Although this time, i think it will stick.

i'm just happy it happened.  when it's all said and done i got something that i asked god for long time ago.  delay is not denial, as the saying goes.

here's to new beginnings...

Shifting Gears

Could stuff be changing...again?

I feel like things just changed not too long ago.  Sure, the only constant thing about life is change, but I just wasn't expecting things to change like that. 

Maybe it's in response to my prayers as of late.  I want to understand more fully who I am, what I am, and what I want to do.  I feel like some things have come info focus, but there is still plenty of room for self-discovery. I'm all for that.  I'm excited for that.  Bring it on!

What concerns me is that my desires have changed.  Things that I would spend a lot of hours and energy now are now on the back burner at best.  At worst, the thought of engaging in them makes me cringe.  That's a little unsettling for me, considering how I drove into those endeavors, situation, etc., with all my might.  I loved every second of it, and I don't regret it.  But the drive is gone.  Usually when that happens, especially in such a drastic way, it means that God is working in and around me to shift some things around for the next scene in my life.

I'm okay with a shift.  God is big on shifts.  The cool thing about it is that God never really shifts; he always has the right perspective on things.  It only looks like change when when you don't know the story, and God clearly does.  I guess that comes with being the Alpha and Omega.  The beauty of it is that God will shift things in your life so that you can see things from different angles and perspectives.  Manual cars have to shift to adjust to different speeds and terrains.  Athletes have to shift their training programs to meet their goals.  In our walks with Christ, God has to change our gears on us so we handle where we're going. 

So what does that mean for me?  I don't totally know yet.  I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of the familiar situations and faces not being as familiar anymore.  But the worse thing would be to sacrifice where God is taking me for the sake of my comfort. Besides, I asked him to take me.  I might as well go. 

There's another cool things about shifts.  On the keyboard, it allows you to make a capital letter, signifying a proper noun, a specific name, and/or the beginning of a new sentence.  Every new piece of revelation comes with a shift.  Just think on that for a second.  You'll get it later...;-)

a new perspective on being alone

so i realized today that i need to prepare myself to do more things alone.  it smacked in me in the face when i prepared to go church searching this morning.  while it was true that my exhaustion from finals left little energy to do anything, it was equally true that i didn't want to go because i would be by myself.  i would be going to these places without anyone else with me. walking through the doors...alone.  being the one person that no one knows. it would be a solo dell adventure.

that was enough to persuade me to get back under the covers.  i just didn't want to face that.  no thanks. 

i thought about it someone and i realized that alone has been par for the course since i moved to the dmv.  there have been people that have been indispensable to me, people that i would not have made without their help.  still, there is a significant part of the growth process that is done alone.  i had to conquer some major demons, and the definitive moments, the moments that represented the beginning of the breakthough, occured with me...alone.  my friends have brought me the sword, but i had to slay the dragon,. if that makes any sense. 

this may sound more depressing than it seems.  it's really just a part of life.  i believe that god allows us those alone times so we become better acquainted with recognizing his presence in our lives. there may not be an abundance of people around that know what you're going through.  it may not be anyone around that understands.  but oddly enough when there is no one else around the extra noise is gone, and all we are left with is truth.  if i can get to the root of some things with some quiet being the price to pay i'm all for it.  show me jesus!

being alone and being lonely are two different things.  i'm not really lonely.  jesus is with me.  however, i'm not like some others that equate the presence of christ with the presence of another tangible human being.  even god saw that it was better to have another person with adam, so i won't try to be more spiritual than god was on the subject.  am i alone? in some ways, yes.  sometimes that alone feeling creeps up on me a little more than i'd like, but it's not lonliness TRUST ME i know what that feels like.  its just the chance for me to get to know me a little better.

i'll take it.  see what comes out of it.  and then we'll go on from there.  alone isn't really that bad.  as long as your alone with jesus :-)